When I fully throw myself into something or commit to something (like a job or a goal) I become very passionate about whatever it is I am doing. I take ownership of that goal or job and all that ends up getting me, is pain. My passion and enthusiasm is misinterpreted and my heart gets broken in the end because either someone finds my spirit intimidating or overwhelming. No matter how hard I try to pull back or let out my enthusiasm and passion at a slow pace, it always ends up getting thrown right back into my face.
It has been this way my entire life.
I work my ass off and put forth all my effort into something (journalism, Operation Smile, Photography, Weightlifting, Work, etc) and the end result is always the same. I get squeezed out.
I think the only reason I did so well in Cosmetology school was because when I felt like I was starting to get passionate about my work, I turned introvert and lost a bunch of friends. I stopped caring and did the bare minimum to pass. I still ended up graduating ahead of my class but that is what is the most upsetting about the situation. I passed by doing my bare minimum and still was truly ahead. If I would have continued to allow my passion to grow and flourish, where would I be now? Most likely answer, I would have been squeezed out and my heart would have broken again. In a perfect world I would be working for a great salon or Ild be a platform artist right now but instead, I havent done shit with my degree. And the saddest part is that I probably never will.
I worked my ass off at Lowe's. I tried my hardest and let my passion and enthusiasm get the best of me. I didnt take no for an answer and told my heart that the sky was never the limit because just look at those stars. Well, we see where that left me. They were never happy or congratulatory of anything. It was never enough and I was beginning to loose myself in the midst of it. Maybe I should have conformed. Maybe I should have let it all go and been exactly what Lowe's wanted me to be. Maybe then I wouldnt be stressed the fuck out cause I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent this month but then again I would lose Alyssa and myself in that scenario. I never saw my own child. In truth, I would probably end up dieing of a heart attack from the stress at my desk reviewing the same fucking transaction four times, on four different reports, to keep up with 3 different binders and one clip board, preventing actually no loss, and thoroughly missing the chance at an apprehension which is actually fully pointless because there is a $25 minimum to apprehensions, still have to call my boss to call the cops, and you have to hope to god there is a Manager in the store that can be a witness. It is all a bunch of chasing your' own tail while playing babysitter to a store bull of babysitters.
Last night was by far the most upsetting though. I have been working at a night club for the past few months as my second job but its currently my only job. I have busted my ass for them, I have been passionate about their goals, and put my all into trying to make that place a success. Mainly because the manager is the best manager I have ever had. He is a truly great person, I love his family, and he has allowed me to put my passion and enthusiasm into the place. Now its a different story though. The owners, who have never sat down with me and had a conversation, and look at me like Im intruding whenever I walk into a room, have made my manager fully define my role. Since the beginning, I have been the go to girl for everything. I have been Johnny's right hand man. Need the liquor room inventoried and bottles brought to all the bars in the place; No problem. Need the female bathrooms cleaned cause someone puked everywhere; no problem. Need a lead security, vip concierge, administrative assistant, band/entertainment announcer/concierge, bar manager, cashier, or a combination of all; no problem. I have covered them all without complaint and have actually enjoyed it all. Last night however, I get told I am "just security" and that is what the owners want. I get told that maybe in the future I will be able to move up into these other positions that I have been doing but as of now...UGH!!! I couldnt fight the tears last night and I feel just completely defeated. Yes, I am great at security but I am not "just" security and when the owners asked me last week if that was my main title, I knew it was going down hill. It doesnt matter what Johnny has to say or what I have done or anything for that matter. I am "just" security.
I hate being "just" anything. I am so much more. I have so much more to offer.
I wish more than anything I had enough money to open my own club and prove them all wrong.
Actually, I wish more than anything that I could be "just" something, be happy an content with that, and be able to smooth my enthusiasm down so that my heart doesnt get broken every time I set my mind to something.
Will I ever find my place in this world? Will I ever be needed?
The only person in this world that needs my is my daughter and in a few years that wont even be so.
I literally have no friends that need me anymore (I worked my ass off to much and lost my social life), I have no family that needs me, I have no job or career that truly needs me, I have no love that needs me (they all left, ran, or just turned their backs on me), I have nothing and no one and am starting to lose the one thing that has always kept me going. Hope.
