Its been a while

For the longest time this was a site in which I could come and unload all of my stress and what was boggling my brain. It was my escape from reality and my embrace of it all wrapped up into one. I was content in thinking that my words were making a difference in someones life and that maybe I wasnt alone in how I was thinking or feeling. I cant even begin to thank all those whom have written me and commented and shared their stories with me. All the way to Romania, Greece, Thailand, China, Germany, and even a wonderful young woman from Iceland wrote me. It humbles me to know that I have inspired or reached people so far away from me. 

That is why it is with a heavy heart that I write how this maybe my last entry on this blog. In so many ways it has helped release my inner most thoughts but now I feel blocked in a way. Certain people have now began to read my blog and then there are others whom have stalked me through it. 

I want to write about all of the wonderful changes in my life but I cant because it would just give cause for them to continue to follow me without need or want. I feel trapped in a world in which I should feel free. So, yeah its been a while since I have written but that is the main cause. I trusted those I shouldnt have. I relied on people who only wished me harm. I wont make the same mistake again. 

I pray that if I have helped you and you are one of my loyal followers, please message me and Ill inform you of my new site. To the others seeking to do me further harm or stalk me, fuck off! Peace-

WHY catfish people???

Good evening everyone reading my blog! So, the first thing that I have to say tonight is why catfish someone??? If you don't understand what the word catfish means; you need to go online and you pretend to be somebody else while like online dating someone and then come to find out you are this other person in tirely so you've catfish them.
I don't see the point in people catfishing anyone. If you're going to go online and try to find love then just be yourself, be 100, that's the whole point about it is that you're online you can literally just be you and there's millions upon millions of people out there who would probably find you attractive like you can't be unattractive to everybody in the entire world, like that's not even possible someone out there is going to find you attractive hopefully you find them attractive as well but its just like be you, do you. If you don't rock that s***, who will? You are who you are for a reason!  I haven't always been completely confident, I mean I have always been outgoing but truly comfortable in my own skin that takes time for everyone. But I am who I am, I won't sugar coat it or put my personality to the picture of someone I don't even know. That's just bullshit and an injustice to yourself. There is only one you on this whole planet and you might be missing out on your one and only by pretending to be someone else. People who catfish confuse and interest me. This show has my psychology studying brain turned on tonight. Is it weird I love studying people psychologically?

Fat and back, 600 lb life

I have to honestly say that some shows really really piss me off and some blogs that I read are just absolutely ridiculous. I have been big all my life but I've always prided myself on being athletic and when I see people who are so just horribly out of shape, over weight, ready to give up on themselves, and they cry because they can't even walk around the grocery store because they're 600 pounds and they can't figure out all they just need to stop eating this food; it pisses me off. When did we become so lazy and so dead set on surgery is the only way to stop ourselves from being so f****** fat? When I gained all my weight and it was from honestly my body shutting down I didn't just resort to I need to just have surgery, I started kicking myself in the ass and I worked out really hard. I stopped eating the s*** that everybody eats all the time. I stopped eating all of this processed food and pre-made food and started making my own food again and even though my daughter is also a bigger girl she's also very healthy and every doctor she's ever been to has also said that. Some people do honestly just have a bigger frame body and they're just taller and I'm one of those people and so is my munchkin but then there are other people who try to hide behind that and say oh I'm just big boned or I'm just a big person when in all actuality no honey big bones don't jiggle.
I just watched a show called fat and back and it's about this reporter from England who gained all of this weight because she ate about 6000 calories per day of food. She did gain quite a bit of weight from it and then went back to being slim and although she did keep on a little weight because she was technically underweight when she started; I mean she did prove her point. I don't find it fat shaming some of the things that she said) and I do think that we kind of glorify being big now because so many people are I still feel it's very important that I need to be healthy and I need to be fit. Yes, I'm a bigger girl and I've got a big butt and I have been overweight like seriously overweight before but I'm not anymore like I'm still a big girl and I know I can still lose about 20 pounds and but I'm in that healthy range and she got back down to that healthy range and all she did was just eat what you supposed to eat (correct portion sizes) and she was walking 10000 to twenty thousand steps per day which is honestly not that much we could all do that and we just don't because we're lazy asses. You can easily add those 10,000 steps in per day say you're busy mom like I am you go to school instead of parking in the front of the parking lot park in the back of the parking lot walk to the building, when you're going to the grocery store instead of parking in the very front park in the back where your car won't get hit for one and you get to add those steps in, and you can also add those steps in say if you have a munchkin are you have fuebabies like I do just take them around your apartment complex or around your neighborhood at least 2 times a night and not only are you going to get in your exercise but so are your dogs and your munchkins.
The other show I've been watching is my 600 pound life. And I honestly have to say that some of the people on here really really really pissed me off. They are so selfish, lazy, and inconsistent. "I want to lose weight I want to lose weight" but at the same time they don't do what they need to do to lose the weight and they're just harming themselves and their families. Some of the people on here, yes they do end up losing the weight, but the other people, all I see is their laziness and all I see is there different excuses as to why they cannot lose the weight; when the doctor is giving them everything they need to to lose it. Here's a meal plan,  here is the surgery that cuts your stomach in half, and here are some simple exercises that you need to do in order to just boost that weight loss they should already be having because their stomach now the size of the freaking banana. I have no sympathy for people who get this surgery, they didn't have to pay for it, and then they completely squander the advantage that is given to them because they cheat the diet. Why cheat yourself so much on such a precious gift that is given to you? These people are getting a second chance at a life that they wasted so far, and some of them just throw that second chance away by giving excuse after excuse.
I know that there are some people out there that are going to try and call me.on my shit. "Well bitch you are sitting there watching those shows, who are you to talk?" Well haters I hit the gym, while I've been watching the shows I'm either lifting my weights in my living room, or I'm playing with my dogs at the same time. I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. It's called multitasking and moving my ass while I'm watching these shows.
This girl that's on here now just had surgery and her excuse 2 months after surgery is that she's too sore to exercise. Her legs hurt too much. ....Maybe it's because you just had massive surgery and instead of getting up like your suppose to, you just laid on the bed? Doctors don't tell you to do something to just be mean. This doctor specifically has done hundred if not thousands of weight loss surgeries and I really doubt he is telling her to do something like get up off your ass and at least walk to be mean. No its so she doesn't end up paralyzed. 
Well just needed to get that rant out. Thanks for reading ^-^

Medically necessary???

The past few days Ive seen or heard quite a few commercials for these medications whose side affects, sorry but completely sound worse than what they are treating. For example (not using a real name cause I dont want to get sued) Do you have depression take this pill which may make you have a blood clot on the brain, enhance suicidal thoughts, cause extreme insomnia, and frequent urination and/or diarrhea. Seriously???? How about just get some therapy? Go exercise? Get rid of the shit in your life that is making you depressed or something besides taking a pill that could kill you???? I am not saying that depression isnt a serious issue but I would much rather be depressed than have to deal with all of that shit, no pun intended. 

The other one that I heard was for women that have gone through menopause but are having pain when trying to have sex. Ok ok ok...I actually understand this having gone through quite a few anatomy classes. When anyone goes through extreme hormonal changes it could cause major issues in the rest of your body, such as not being able to get wet when trying to have sex. The vaginal tissues are dry and sex can be extremely painful. Have you ever tried to have sex without any foreplay?? Ouch..Imagine that pain all the time. So, I understand why they tried to develop a drug to help women with this issue. However, the side effects of taking or applying the drug (to me) far outweigh the small benefit. I literally spit out my cranberry juice and screamed "WTF, just use some lube!" Thank god my munchkin wasnt around to hear me, that is the last thing I need her repeating to her teacher. But, it is an honest question. Why not just use some lube? If the drug causes sleep paralysis, bleeding, dramatically increases the possibility of uterine cancer, ulcers, and/or blood clots; why in the hell would you ever allow it anywhere near your body, let alone inside of it??????? I DONT UNDERSTAND!!! To me, it is just not medically necessary to take that shit or let it near you. If anything it is worse! I would much rather just experiment with a few different kinds of lube or try some herbal moisturizers. Fuck all that other noise. Not happening. 

Theses are just two examples of the ludicrous garbage that I have seen or heard and I know that there are hundreds of others. Please feel free to comment below the ones that you have heard. 

Next on the rant is about people who do not vaccinate their children but want to bitch and moan because I want to send my daughter to school with her favorite sandwich for lunch; a peanut butter and jelly. I get that an allergy can be life threatening. I have quite a few that have almost killed me and understand the fear but dont these people understand the fear of all of these horrible diseases that almost wiped out all of humanity at one point???? Really? I have to send my child to school with yours and yours has not been vaccinated against these horrible life threatening diseases like polio, measles, mumps, etc and yet I have to be mindful of your childs bullshit allergy because you refused to properly introduce these foods to them at the right time? Bullshit. BULLSHIT!  The only vaccine that I dont agree with is the flu vaccine because it has to be redeveloped every few months and has been proven to only be effective in about 12% of the population. The other vaccines that everyone should get have been proven for year and years and years. I am one of the first momma bears to stand up and say fuck you, fuck your non vaccinated ass, and fuck your bullshit fear of autism. Autism isnt caused by vaccinations. If it was, we would all be dealing with the shit. To be fair, there are far more people that have been diagnosed with at least a small version of it but can you see all of the other possible causes? Poor prenatal care, being too healthy during pregnancy, a genetic  predisposition to it, living in a highly polluted area, using that damn cell phone too much, eating all that bullshit and chemical additives in your processed food-yes even tofu is processed, etc. There are so many reason why we have higher numbers of autism, cancer,  and genetic abnormalities. But, defending yourself and your next generations against past epidemic diseases isnt a fucking reason for it. Get the damn shots and stop subjecting my child to the possibility of catching it from your germ ridden hipster kid. 

When your world becomes a 360....

The title is a bit of an oxymoron but hopefully there will be some people out there that understand what I mean. Just when you think that a chapter of your life has been closed forever, something happens and it all comes 360 right back into your day to day. A person, a career, a memory turned day to day life, etc. 

I am currently in my last week of clinicals and take my final exam tomorrow. It was suppose to be today but our 'sister' class didn't do the review last week so we had to push it back a day. I am so ready to be out there and over with this. I know that I do not know everything but I also know that I wont know everything until I am actually out there learning it. I have decided that I will be returning to regular college in about a year to start on my doctorate because I do not want to just assist in oral surgery. I want to be the surgeon. I want to be the doctor. I know that I have the strength now to do it and the skills to achieve it. First I have to take care of some of this debt, get in the field and get some experience under my belt, and most importantly get my mom her surgery. 

Next week I start my externship and I am so so so excited for it. At the end of this week I will have to choose where I will be going because I have several options at the moment from the places that I have interviewed with already. I am really hoping for the hospital but some of the offices were really nice. There are so many things to consider.

In other news I am a mommy without a munchkin this week. My munchkin is on the truck with my mom for a mini vacation and to go see family back in Florida. I really wanted to go along but with class and clinicals it wasnt going to happen. I literally cried yesterday though because I have never been without my munchkin for longer than a day! What am I going to do with my life for a week without her? Thank god I start clinicals doing long days (most likely at the hospital) or I would be a complete wreck. 

Well that and my 360. I know I know I know I have to be a fool and gluten for punishment but the heart wants what it wants..................... And that is all I am going to say about that right now.......

Well off to the gym 

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Fuck these feelings

I know I'm not the only one out there that has these sinking, depressing, and ridiculous feeling of being completely and utterly alone; even when you are in a crowded room or with at least one other person, you still feel so alone. Maybe it's because you aren't with the one person you want to be or maybe it's because you feel as though there is no one out there who can make you feel like you aren't alone in this ever growing world. I know I'm not actually alone. I have all my fur babies around me, my little munchkin constantly with me, and well that's about it. I know a few people are just a call or text away but even of they were right here they wouldn't be. They would be in their own world and consumed with their own things. Even when I am surrounded by family I sometimes feel as though I was just dropped there and although I understand these people around me, I will always be the stranger in the room. I get noticed on a regular basis, I get flirted with on a regular basis, and people turn to me for advice or help constantly but not one person has ever made it there mission to know me and to stay. They get what they want or need and disappear like a ghost. Or, once they do get to know me they still blow away like a leaf that just got picked up by the strong fall wind. I know I guard myself and push people away at times but it's because I know they will be out of my life before the next season comes and I can't take it. Sometimes I pretend that for this one time they are the one that is going to prove me wrong and before my internal lie can even really take hold, I'm staring at myself in the mirror alone again and questioning where I went wrong as a friend, maybe I wasn't that great of a love, or who would/could ever be that interested in me? I'm a joke, a passing fasination, a forget able person. I try to fight these feelings ever single day and most days I win. Today, I am fighting a losing battle.

Neon lights and new beginnings

My first week of clinical went very very well ^-^ I am so very proud of myself and more determined than ever! It started out with the immediate listing of being the "office" head/lead (which is basically the teachers assistant but still awesome)! Personally, I do not care in the least if anyone wants to call me a suck up or teachers pet or anything. I know I'm not. I just do what is asked of me, I don't bitch, and I am reliable. Which is something barely anyone else can claim. We already had 2 exams and I passed the first one and then rocked the 2nd one. I would have rocked the first one too but it was timed and I didn't get to answer the last 4 questions. My next exam on Tuesday will go much better because I know it's timed now and I know I am going to walk away with a perfect A. My studying like crazy will not be for nothing damn it! Lol! 

I am in such a good mood because I know the stars the the limit. I still have all the stresses as before but I know I can do it. I have let go of everything that has been weighing me down in the past. Literally. I am so proud of myself for doing so. You would never guess who messaged me the past few days (saying sorry and he missed me and he still lives me...) yup you guessed it...my ex love of my life/high school sweet heart. I will always love him because he is my first love and he did have my heart for the longest time but I can honestly say that I Dont feel bound to him anymore. I don't feel like I have to jump when he realizes he still wants me. I can't just forget all of the extremely hurtful things he's said and done and how he didn't back me up or defend me in the least when everything blew up. Not to mention how hateful he was toward me knowing I had been so forgiving and accepting of him for so long. It didn't matter and a heart never breaks evenly. There is always an unfair aspect of it and a selfish reason behind everything. I for one, am thoroughly done with it.

I see all these other options available to me. I see how I am so much more wanted than how I was treated before by anyone. I know the power that rested with in me for so long and is now awakened. I know I deserve more, am worth more, and will have better. I will never be a second option or fall back again. I don't have to be. I don't have to settle for 2nd best or a love that was unfaithful, hypocritical, and judgemental. I will never be controlled or told how I should be in a relationship. 

I am also not stopping with this degree. I have found a true love of dentistry, specifically oral surgery. I want to become an oral surgeon and that is going to be another few years of college and specialized training but it's well worth it. I want that doctorate and I will get it. Wish me luck!! That of course comes after I get my mom her surgery and some more  experience under my belt which is fine by me because that then gives me a chance to save up the money to pay for the degrees.

As always thankyou for reading and please feel free to comment below or shoot me a direct message as a few of you have ^-^ I love interacting directly with my lovely readers. Feel free to follow my blog or my instagram @ms.elkins_yall

And Have a WONDERFUL DAY/NIGHT where ever in the world you maybe :-)