Faded

In reflection of my past, 

I have realized quite a few things. 

1. Even though I am a very strong person mentally, emotionally, and physically...some how I was twisted  and changed, faded into a person that I didnt like and didnt want to be. I became a faded representation of myself two better someone else. Someone who didnt even want my help, come to find out. I became trapped into a world of bullshit and I was almost like a 2nd class citizen in my own house. And it was all because I allowed it to happen...why?

2. I am one resilient and determined individual! When I realized that I had faded into this shadow of a person, I got back on my feet. I got up and worked my ass off to get back to reality and to be better than I once was. I am not claiming that I am perfect now, there is always room more improvement, but I am MUCH better than I was. Even in the face of death, losing myself entirely, a life of regret and devistation, I pushed through and tried. 

Most people cannot say that. 

Most people never even live. They one exist. 

I want to live. I want to grow. I want to experience all that life has to offer and leave this world a better place than when I finally woke the hell up and most of all, I want my daughter to never have to struggle on whether to live or not. I never want to see that she is only existing. 

So, I dont care what I have to do, I am going to make sure she gets to go to Disney world, we travel together out of the country, she goes to schools for the gifted and talented (because she is and I was never able to take that opportunity), and my wall of pictures spans the whole house. Memories arnt meant to be locked into a book or box. Let them out and let others see the light that is residing inside of you! Some will try to put it out but always remember the only reason they do that is because their light was taken away, they are jealous of the spark you have inside of you and the only way to stop the haters is to let that spark catch a flame, a passion, that spreads like a wild fire! 

Make a conscious effort to say that the cup is half full, and eventually you will be happy. Eventually, you will see the light again. Eventually, you will be free! 

That is my thought for the day! Hope you enjoyed. 

Quitting time!

Just at that point in my day where I am ready to go home and hang out with my munchkin. I love my job and I love what I do but riding my bike in this morning and the mountain of paperwork and training ecourses I had to do just have me ready to go! I want to get out of these boots, into some shorts, and enjoy the sun while its still in the sky. 

Thankfully tomorrow is my catch up day/day I get to clock out at an early ish time so I can pay my bills and still have some sunlight to soak in. 

On other notes, my life is going great and only a few things could make me happier than I am right now but all in all I cannot complain. My kilt wearing rock star is being such an amazing friends and keeps my spirits up no matter what...I swear he is my rock. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. 

My soldier is....well I guess he's doing alright. Some days I can tell when he is just worn out from all the shit he has to put up with over there and others I feel like I am the reason he is stressed. I know I get too passionate at times and can over do it but I generally dont mean to. He just received the care package I sent over and it seriously warmed my heart to know that he liked everything in there. 

He was being a smart ass and told me to send him a motorcycle and baby knee caps...well it wasnt halloween so I couldnt find the baby knee caps but I did send him a motorcycle...infact I sent him I think 4. One that had spiderman, 2 that were just bad ass, and 2 hot wheels varieties. He told me that he left them on his bed and when he came back his sargent and another guy were laying on the floor, playing with them, making vroom vroom noises....The little things I swear..

We take so much for granted. 

Anyway..my munchkin is growing so fast and surprises me every single day with what she knows, what she has learned, and how much of a little diva she it. I swear that girl is destined for greatness. Screw being an actress, she is going to be a congresswoman, senator, or president one day. The sky is not the top for her. And its not for me either. 

I have made a few goals and I will achieve them! 

More later...

Just some thoughts

So apparently this damn thing doesnt want to work correctly, so my set up is going to be all fucked up.

Isn't that just lovely. Ugh......

Anyway, I wanted to just take a moment for myself and jot down a few things that are running through my brain right now and slightly interfering with my work. I truly hate it when I cant drop a thought and pick it back up later, especially when I have something far more pressing to deal with.  

I have been very, I guess, aggitated the last few weeks because I throw myself back into some friendships and they just proved over and over again that I meant absolutely nothing to them and can be forgotten about so easily. Not even just friendships. What suppose to be a best friends, a sister at heart, and then a totally different subject all together. Its so....heart breaking and straight up pisses me off. 

Do NOT expect me to make you a priority or feel bad when I don't after you prove over and over again that I am meaningless to you or that other far less honorable people can take up all your' time and devotion. Its just wrong. 

Also, when you fuck up, dont try to make me feel like the guilty party. I am not the one that continues to flake on you, and I am not the one trying to give you bad advice on purpose because of alterior motives....what the fuck is wrong with people these days. 

I think it is time for me to make all new friends and move on. There are a few that I will keep, like my kilt wearing rock star, but others I will have to walk away from.... All I want to do is shout from the roof tops its not me its you...yes and get that petty with it but instead I guess I will just have to allow things to keep going as they are and keep getting ignored and flaked on/stop trying to communicate when clearly they dont want to communicate with me. 

I am moving forward with my life in so many ways and for once I am truly happy about it. My job is amazing. I actually feel proud of what I do and am striving to do the best. I want to move up in this company. I want to be the best in the biz. I want to grow and thrive. And, for once in my entire life I feel like I can. Dont get me wrong I still want to do the cosmetology things but at the same time I can thrive here and make such a good living, make such a good home for Alyssa, and give her the things that I never had. Every parent on the planet has said that. They want to give their children what they never had. Its because that mind set is drilled into our skulls from the time we can talk but I am gladly going with the flow on this one. Alyssa will have a good childhood. I am going to allow her to have a true childhood. I am going to make sure she still learns the value of a dollar and the pride that goes into an honest days work and getting your' chores done but she will also know what it means to really have fun as a child. She will always know that she is beautiful. And she will learn the importance and appreciation that comes from being in sports and staying active and healthy. 

Also, I'm going to stop the whole bullshit about the importance of having both the parents there. I would much rather her be in a stable, happy, healthy environment than be in one that is built on lies and constant fighting or bullshit because someone either forgets to take their meds or just refuses to take them. I swear to God, that is beyond the dumbest thing that I have ever had to endure. You know that you are on the meds for a reason, its a obvious change in a positive way when you are on them, why in the hell would you try to take yourself off of them or think its okay not to take them. Some people just have hormone imbalances in their brain and the only choice is medication....take it and stay a productive member of society or dont and have a horrible shell of a life...your' choice. I just will not allow my daughter to be a part of it. Simple as that. 

It is really a sad thing to find out that four years of your life was literally wasted on a person that never wanted  you there to begin with but the funny thing is, I not only dont love him anymore. I dont hate him anymore either.

With everything the way its been going, the house, the job, my munchkin, the opportunities presenting themselves to me and me gladly reaching out and grabbing them, and the amazing man I do have in my life, the wonderful kilt wearing rockstar that is and always will be like my rock and vice versa, I have absolutely no reason to hold onto regret, remorse, or any what if situation. Time is showing that everything has happened for a reason and I had to go through everything I have to get to this point right here and this point right here is pretty bad ass!! 

I am down to 5 lbs below my goal weight and continuing to tone up, the conference last week was THE BOMB!, my man sent me Russian chocolates from over seas for Valentines day, and even though its freezing right now I am going to happily ride this bike home tonight because it adds to my toning work out. I think if I say that enough times I will actually make myself believe it. 

Well, break time over...back to work and then home. YIPPY! 

Hope you enjoyed my thoughts for the moment, now I can focus!! 

Tampa !!!!! LOwes!!!!! Amazing!!!!!!!

Its been SO long since I have been able to write and boy do I have alot to update about. 

First and foremost, I am finally into my own place!!! And, some how I was very blessed that I literally just get to walk right down the street to my work. Which, is perfect because my dodge threw a rod the day I was moving into my new place. I am not going to get into the whole reason about how or why my truck is fucked up but its fucked up.

I am working on getting it fixed but shit, they want me to ship it up to Arkansas to get it fixed which would be about $2300 just to ship it not including whatever my warranty wont cover. 

In the mean time that would then still leave me without a vehical and then without all of my savings. So, instead I am going to buy a second car within the next few weeks. I was already approved to get a really nice brand new car, just waiting to replenish some of my savings so, I dont kill myself trying to work out both. 

I dont have much I can bitch about and I really am not even going to try. Im still doing wonderfully keeping the weight off and losing the last ten pounds I want to lose...well I see it happening by my birthday and toning up is going great too. What is helping me in this endeavor is my awesome new bike I got on sale. I use to bike all the time when I was younger and no it didnt help me much then but I wasnt really pushing myself back then, I was just riding for fun and I was being weak. Now I can bike to work every day if I want to, carrying a heavy book bag on purpose, and yoga/running the stairs every single day. My legs are getting into great shape! 

Right now I am sitting in this kick ass room, literally bad ass! It has its own livingroom, spare bedroom, patio, and full kitchen. My amazing company put me up in the master suite for this conference. I looked at the price list and this room is $500 a night!!! Holy shit!! I would never pay that much for a hotel room. Unless I had a big group or won the lotto or something but shit just or me....Im spoiled =) 

In all actuality all it makes me want to do is work harder because I want to be worth this. I want to show I am worth this. I want to earn this. I am not like alot of people out there with their hands out expecting shit like this to always be handed to them. I dont. You earn the things you are given. You earn your keep. And, I intend on earning my keep. 

I will write more tomorrow. 

So exhausted from the meetings today.