Isn't that just lovely. Ugh......
Anyway, I wanted to just take a moment for myself and jot down a few things that are running through my brain right now and slightly interfering with my work. I truly hate it when I cant drop a thought and pick it back up later, especially when I have something far more pressing to deal with.
I have been very, I guess, aggitated the last few weeks because I throw myself back into some friendships and they just proved over and over again that I meant absolutely nothing to them and can be forgotten about so easily. Not even just friendships. What suppose to be a best friends, a sister at heart, and then a totally different subject all together. Its so....heart breaking and straight up pisses me off.
Do NOT expect me to make you a priority or feel bad when I don't after you prove over and over again that I am meaningless to you or that other far less honorable people can take up all your' time and devotion. Its just wrong.
Also, when you fuck up, dont try to make me feel like the guilty party. I am not the one that continues to flake on you, and I am not the one trying to give you bad advice on purpose because of alterior motives....what the fuck is wrong with people these days.
I think it is time for me to make all new friends and move on. There are a few that I will keep, like my kilt wearing rock star, but others I will have to walk away from.... All I want to do is shout from the roof tops its not me its you...yes and get that petty with it but instead I guess I will just have to allow things to keep going as they are and keep getting ignored and flaked on/stop trying to communicate when clearly they dont want to communicate with me.
I am moving forward with my life in so many ways and for once I am truly happy about it. My job is amazing. I actually feel proud of what I do and am striving to do the best. I want to move up in this company. I want to be the best in the biz. I want to grow and thrive. And, for once in my entire life I feel like I can. Dont get me wrong I still want to do the cosmetology things but at the same time I can thrive here and make such a good living, make such a good home for Alyssa, and give her the things that I never had. Every parent on the planet has said that. They want to give their children what they never had. Its because that mind set is drilled into our skulls from the time we can talk but I am gladly going with the flow on this one. Alyssa will have a good childhood. I am going to allow her to have a true childhood. I am going to make sure she still learns the value of a dollar and the pride that goes into an honest days work and getting your' chores done but she will also know what it means to really have fun as a child. She will always know that she is beautiful. And she will learn the importance and appreciation that comes from being in sports and staying active and healthy.
Also, I'm going to stop the whole bullshit about the importance of having both the parents there. I would much rather her be in a stable, happy, healthy environment than be in one that is built on lies and constant fighting or bullshit because someone either forgets to take their meds or just refuses to take them. I swear to God, that is beyond the dumbest thing that I have ever had to endure. You know that you are on the meds for a reason, its a obvious change in a positive way when you are on them, why in the hell would you try to take yourself off of them or think its okay not to take them. Some people just have hormone imbalances in their brain and the only choice is medication....take it and stay a productive member of society or dont and have a horrible shell of a life...your' choice. I just will not allow my daughter to be a part of it. Simple as that.
It is really a sad thing to find out that four years of your life was literally wasted on a person that never wanted you there to begin with but the funny thing is, I not only dont love him anymore. I dont hate him anymore either.
With everything the way its been going, the house, the job, my munchkin, the opportunities presenting themselves to me and me gladly reaching out and grabbing them, and the amazing man I do have in my life, the wonderful kilt wearing rockstar that is and always will be like my rock and vice versa, I have absolutely no reason to hold onto regret, remorse, or any what if situation. Time is showing that everything has happened for a reason and I had to go through everything I have to get to this point right here and this point right here is pretty bad ass!!
I am down to 5 lbs below my goal weight and continuing to tone up, the conference last week was THE BOMB!, my man sent me Russian chocolates from over seas for Valentines day, and even though its freezing right now I am going to happily ride this bike home tonight because it adds to my toning work out. I think if I say that enough times I will actually make myself believe it.
Well, break time over...back to work and then home. YIPPY!
Hope you enjoyed my thoughts for the moment, now I can focus!!
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