It just doesnt work....

And, what I mean when I say that "it doesnt work" I mean everything. Here I am again, its almost midnight, I have class in about seven hours and I cannot shut my brain off to rest. Even though Im blogging again, even though my journal has about ten new pages of writing, even though Ive done yoga and tried to meditate...my brain wont shut off. Every little thing that has gone wrong keeps playimg back in my head. Every single stressor right now is blairing on full blast inside my cranium and I cant make it stop. I feel as though I am alome in a room of old memories that have nothing.better to do than haunt me like pissed off ghosts.  What is fueling the flame tonight? My munchkins father has been messaging me all night that he finally has a job and its going well and as much as I want to be happy for him and be proud of him, him having a job doenst meam he is goimg to step up. It doesnt mean my daughter will receive any financial aid from him or even that this job will last longer than a couple months...if that. I want to believe in him so badly...but everything to this point makes me doubt it all. I use to have this amazing trust in people. I use to see the good in almost everyone...now its like I see a glimmer but immediately begin to tear it apart or question it. I feel this light inside of me starting to fade and that scares me the most. I dont want my light to fade or dim. I dont want to go back to being a shell of a person because everyone else out there are. Then again its like this is all a mirage, and maybe my light is already gone. Like Im looking at a star in the sky thats already dead  but the light is just now reaching me.
I read an article today about a little boy about the age of Alyssa who clearly remembered his past life and how he was murderd by who and where his body was even buried. It gave me chills. When I was younger I use to think things and know things that a little kid shouldnt. Its always made me feel like I was different then those around me. I know I have an old soul. So, how this ties into what I was talking about above is that have Iet my limit of heart breals and trusting people. Have my past lives and the current bullshit that is my life finally defeated my flame of positivity and grave? Have I ruined my soul? Have I clouded it too mich because I surrounded myself with people who only seem to want to hurt me, use me, brwak me, ans destroy that light that other just domt have? Have I domt this to myself? How do I fix it? How do I fix my heart?

truth is....

So, here I am again. Two in the morning and I cant sleep. Every single choice Ive made up the this point keeps replaying in my brain makimg me question every single one of those choices.

By the way, I am in Texas now. About a year and a half ago this was exactly where I wanted to be and now that I am actually here after a whole road of hick ups, heart breaks, amd some serious tests of my owm humanity and faith in humanity; the same question arises.....did I or have I made any of the write choices?

In some cases, I fully believe I have....in others I fully regret them. Colorado was nice but everything went to shit very quickly. Moving back to Florida when everything went to shit in Arkansas was right but going back to Arkansas when I did (just for a visit mind you) screwed up everything. I was so heart broken still I shouldnt have gone. I should have stayed my ass at home sent some flowers and stayed at work. Everything got all messaed up because I tried again. Everything got all messed up in colorado cause yes I was trying but I was also scared out of gord, freakimg our something serious internally, and my passionate ways and unwillingness to start back at the bottom fucked everything up.

Here in texas I believe things are startig.to finally get settled again. Im back in school, have my owm place again, finally finally got a job however, Im still not receiving any kind of child support and before I could handle it...now the stress is starting to take a toll. I dont really know many people here and womt trust my daughter to kust any banysitter and I will never appologizefor that. It just makes things more difficult because good trust worthy people who arnt going to do drugs in the presence of your child, who arnt going to harm them or neglect them, yeah those kinds of people are hard to find and expensive.

Things dont get any easier, they only get tougher and the only way to survive it, to thrive in it, is to get tougher.

Also, this quote keeps playing in my head reminding me of some verybery true things,

"Men go hard for the things they want, hunters by nature they will go after what they want. If he isnt going hard for you, truth is, he doesnt really want you."