And, what I mean when I say that "it doesnt work" I mean everything. Here I am again, its almost midnight, I have class in about seven hours and I cannot shut my brain off to rest. Even though Im blogging again, even though my journal has about ten new pages of writing, even though Ive done yoga and tried to meditate...my brain wont shut off. Every little thing that has gone wrong keeps playimg back in my head. Every single stressor right now is blairing on full blast inside my cranium and I cant make it stop. I feel as though I am alome in a room of old memories that have nothing.better to do than haunt me like pissed off ghosts. What is fueling the flame tonight? My munchkins father has been messaging me all night that he finally has a job and its going well and as much as I want to be happy for him and be proud of him, him having a job doenst meam he is goimg to step up. It doesnt mean my daughter will receive any financial aid from him or even that this job will last longer than a couple months...if that. I want to believe in him so badly...but everything to this point makes me doubt it all. I use to have this amazing trust in people. I use to see the good in almost everyone...now its like I see a glimmer but immediately begin to tear it apart or question it. I feel this light inside of me starting to fade and that scares me the most. I dont want my light to fade or dim. I dont want to go back to being a shell of a person because everyone else out there are. Then again its like this is all a mirage, and maybe my light is already gone. Like Im looking at a star in the sky thats already dead but the light is just now reaching me.
I read an article today about a little boy about the age of Alyssa who clearly remembered his past life and how he was murderd by who and where his body was even buried. It gave me chills. When I was younger I use to think things and know things that a little kid shouldnt. Its always made me feel like I was different then those around me. I know I have an old soul. So, how this ties into what I was talking about above is that have Iet my limit of heart breals and trusting people. Have my past lives and the current bullshit that is my life finally defeated my flame of positivity and grave? Have I ruined my soul? Have I clouded it too mich because I surrounded myself with people who only seem to want to hurt me, use me, brwak me, ans destroy that light that other just domt have? Have I domt this to myself? How do I fix it? How do I fix my heart?
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