truth is....

So, here I am again. Two in the morning and I cant sleep. Every single choice Ive made up the this point keeps replaying in my brain makimg me question every single one of those choices.

By the way, I am in Texas now. About a year and a half ago this was exactly where I wanted to be and now that I am actually here after a whole road of hick ups, heart breaks, amd some serious tests of my owm humanity and faith in humanity; the same question arises.....did I or have I made any of the write choices?

In some cases, I fully believe I have....in others I fully regret them. Colorado was nice but everything went to shit very quickly. Moving back to Florida when everything went to shit in Arkansas was right but going back to Arkansas when I did (just for a visit mind you) screwed up everything. I was so heart broken still I shouldnt have gone. I should have stayed my ass at home sent some flowers and stayed at work. Everything got all messaed up because I tried again. Everything got all messed up in colorado cause yes I was trying but I was also scared out of gord, freakimg our something serious internally, and my passionate ways and unwillingness to start back at the bottom fucked everything up.

Here in texas I believe things are startig.to finally get settled again. Im back in school, have my owm place again, finally finally got a job however, Im still not receiving any kind of child support and before I could handle it...now the stress is starting to take a toll. I dont really know many people here and womt trust my daughter to kust any banysitter and I will never appologizefor that. It just makes things more difficult because good trust worthy people who arnt going to do drugs in the presence of your child, who arnt going to harm them or neglect them, yeah those kinds of people are hard to find and expensive.

Things dont get any easier, they only get tougher and the only way to survive it, to thrive in it, is to get tougher.

Also, this quote keeps playing in my head reminding me of some verybery true things,

"Men go hard for the things they want, hunters by nature they will go after what they want. If he isnt going hard for you, truth is, he doesnt really want you."