Its hard to explain this feeling Im having right now, but Im going to try anyway because I need to know if I am wrong for feeling like this.
Back before Thanksgiving, I was offered a wonderful job that I am seriously excited about. It means Alyssa and I will have financial stability while my cosmetology business gets off the ground, benefits, and working for a really great company but I have yet to work a full day yet because they keep changing around my schedule for this reason or that. They are all legit reasons why they have to change my schedule (HR, issues with another store, drug screening changes so everyone has to redo their drug screen like company wide, etc) but I am running thin on patience because I am running thin on finances. I was suppose to already have 2 full 40 hr checks by now but I dont/havent because of all of the schedule changes...and now Christmas is going to be very tight, very small, and it just makes me feel inadequate.
I already feel horrid because I need to move out (like two months ago), I am suppose to be moving out directly after Christmas but now that doesnt seem to be a possibility and if I do then I might screw myself over, and this month just seems to be kicking my ass. No matter how optimistic I try to stay, I keep getting reminded that whatever I do just isnt enough, isnt good enough, and isnt getting the job done. I cannot afford to think like that right now. I hate thinking like that because I know I am not useless, I know I am good enough, and I know that I am doing at least a good job with working on my business and everything.
Its all just so aggravating....and heart breaking.
Mainly because now my boss called me and told me that I may not get to go back to finish my training until the 31st because everyone that could be considered to be my mentor is on vacation until then, which for them is a perk of being at such a high title but that sucks for me and my family because that means no 40 hr paycheck till the beginning of the year and although I get a few clients every few days its not like working in a salon where I could draw in walk ins and tips. No, owning your own mobile business is a bit different.
Heres my link below so you can get a gist of what my business does
http://www.facebook.com/PrideStylists2Go
I think I am mainly in a funk though because I miss Kevin so much and I missed his phone call the other night. It was about 2 in the morning and I was busy dreaming about him, when I could have talked to him. I heard my phone go off in my dream but it wasnt an important ringtone so, let it go to voicemail and just kept dreaming. I shouldnt have. (yes, when I dream I am that lucid to what is going on around my sleeping self. I control the noise I allow in my dreams, i.e alarms, ringtones, peoples voices, dogs barking, etc. If it isnt suppose to be in my dream, I know it and choose whether or not to keep it there...its strange I know..but I learned to control my dreams or at least change them in some way a long time ago, when I use to have nightmares almost every night and would wake up in tears.) He just barely left and I already miss him so much. And, while he is working his ass off over there, I am here being told I cant work just yet. I am delayed, keep getting delayed, and keep getting excuses/making excuses as to why I cant do something I really want and need to do.
Thanks for reading my rant..pitty party about done. Going to work out while my munchkin is sleeping and sweat my frustration out.
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