SUPERSIZE VS SUPERSKINNY
What is that? Another documentary about fast food? Nope, its a british (I guess) reality show. Like we have the Hoarders and Intervention, they have a version of their own eye opening reality show. I have been consumed by this show.
We need this show over here, we need Dr. Christian over here opening our freaking eyes.
What catches me so much about this show is that I have been on both spectrum's and have had issues with food and my weight my entire life. I have starved myself, I have tried fad diets, I have said fuck it and ate anything I wanted, I have been mindless, and then consumed by shame which then use to lead me to starve myself again.
And then my gull bladder failed and I couldnt do that shit anymore. I literally almost died.
Here are a few pictures of my battle with my weight...
In these two pictures were taken last summer (June 2011) after my gullbladder had failed (January 2011) and my metabolism was just shit, it didnt help that I was seriously unhappy, depressed, and stressed to the keys. The picture directly below is such a beautiful one of my daughter but its such a horrible one of me. I hate myself so much in this picture I refused to post it to facebook and I literally have thousands of pictures on there...its sad.
This picture below was taken in December of 2011 so a few months after the one above. I had worked on my weight a bit but as you can see my ass was still quite an ass.
I just look so swollen and round in the pic below but that was honestly when I really started working on myself and was the heaviest I have ever been...It was heart breaking and I was fed up
Why was I so fed up? Because this picture below was what I use to look like before my gullbladder failed, my metabolism was fucked, and I was still working my ass off. This picture was taken in 2010 just a few months after I had Alyssa and was back to work
I really didnt gain much weight with Alyssa and the proof of that was this picture below that I took just one week after I had my munchkin. Yes my face was swollen from the fluids but I had no stomach and my legs were still in shape.
And Now I will show you some pictures of my hard work and weightloss from April 2012 to Now December 2012
Picture above was taken at my mothers 50th in April 2012. a month after I truly started my battle with my body. I was 20 lbs down in this picture than the picture far above of me in the BP shirt on the bridge with Alyssa. Which was taken in Marchish..
Picture above was taken at my schools salon fair where I was a pin up..but as you can see I was still fighting the weight..I started to feel like I was loosing weight and I was just not much...=(
This picture above was taken in June right before I transferred and yes the weight was really starting to come off there. In this picture I was down a total of 40 lbs since April and I was working my ass off. Literally...
Above is from the very next month after I finally got down to Florida and was really starting to see the weight change not just on paper and on the scale but on my body..=)
Below is a picture taken at my graduation in September. From April to September I had lost a total of 87 lbs and that dress is a size 12 which is literally 10 dress sizes down from where I was at.
These last two pictures are of me now! Above was taken in October below was about two weeks ago. Down a total of 103 lbs and 11 dress sizes, 5 pant sizes, and 15 inches from around my bum alone.
I have shared all of these pictures because I have been sucked into this show, Supersize vs superskinny since I discovered the show back in February of last year and I really started rethinking how I viewed dieting and the fact that I needed to stop viewing it as dieting and see it as living healthy.
This shy is seriously eye opening and you can learn a lot.
We, as Americans are OBSESSED with food, with dieting, with fad diets, and with being thin. However, we really should be more concerned with being healthy, with being at a healthy weight, and with eating the right foods and portions.
In high school, they had this life management class and the teacher didnt even care about it. Things like this should be taught in school, especially because American teens are almost all over weight and naive as to why, how, or what is truly healthy.
I have always had a very poor self image, I never let anyone know that and I will never admit it again but to be totally honest right now, I hated myself and my weight from age eight on. I had a perfectly skinny sister and brother and I was chubby and for the longest time short. I was picked on and I would punish myself starting at about ten, for wanting to eat and for being so big. Then I started working out every night in my room while everyone was asleep and I was still big..I was depressed and hated myself even more. Between 6th and 8th grade though I shot up 2 feet and maintained a constant weight just shifting in where the weight was at I guess.
I went through a bit of a starvation period which only made me weak, depressed, and pathetic. I looked sickly not healthy and definitely not thin.
Then I started weight lifting and really started investigating diets, healthy foods, calorie counts, and what I needed to be healthy and at a good weight. Which I was at until I was in my Junior year and started living all by myself and my family completely fell apart. Then I moved into my own apartment and started having migrains all the fucking time! It was horrible. Apparently, the apartment I moved into had black mold in the walls which I am very allergic to and because of that I was not myself. I would sleep all the time, I wouldnt eat some days because I literally slept the whole day away or spent it in the hospital, and when I would eat I would eat what two people would eat because I was literally starving! My weight roller coaster-ed that year, I was down to 140 at one point and then up to 230 and then back down to 200 and stayed at just around there for the next two years when I moved four times. From another apartment of my own ,to being on the road with my mom, to being at my sisters, to my friends house, to another friends house, to my sisters again, then my own, and then I was trying to get into the army and was down to 167lbs but was still turned away because of my arm. So, then being broken and alone and lost I went searching for love since Kevin and I hadnt spoken in months and was done with me at that point or so I thought. I found it and then lost it because of how dumb I am at times and how I see the best in people when there is nothing to be seen.
So, I convinced myself I was in love with a man that clearly didnt love me but I was having his child and he was apparently what I deserved. I am a twisted chick. I stayed healthy while I was pregnant and worked out regularly even though I hated the situation I was in and hated where I had allowed my life to end up at but I didnt hate the baby growing inside of me and I was ready to be a mother. From the first time I saw her little heart beat. So, my body became a temple that I had to keep perfect for her.
After I had her I loved my body, I was back in shape. Actually, I was in the best shape in my entire life because I was healthy. I ate food full of vitamins and made sure I was hydrated. Mainly because I was breast feeding but then again it was also because I was healthy.
Then I started feeling depressed again, had a pregnancy scare, and decided to start taking birth control because I did not want to have another child with him. He never took care of Alyssa, proved every single day that he didnt want me around but I was trapped. Well, that was the worst choice I had ever made because I am the one in ten woman that cannot take birth control. My gull bladder started to fail and I didnt know what was going wrong with me. I gained almost 75 lbs in what seemed to be over night and I was in agonizing pain almost every day. I felt as though I couldnt breath almost every night to the point some nights I was in the floor trying to bawl my eyes out but couldnt because I couldnt breath.
It was new years and I was rushed to the hospital by my mom because he thought I was faking the pain I was in and then got pissed because I was going to the hospital. I ended up having to have surgery immediately and one surgery turned into four that lasted all day. I had my liver cut into, my gull bladder cut out, a portion of my intestine cut out.
After that, nothing was the same.
I was trying to be me again but had 100 extra pounds weighing down on me, living in a home with someone that hated me being home, went back to work before I was suppose to just to get away, and no amount of working out or dieting mattered because I was in on new grounds. I cant eat many things that I use to, I was petrafied to work my abs, and my personal issues were also really weighing on me. He hated me being home but I was the only one cleaning, cooking, and taking care of everything including our daughter.
We werent together anymore, we were just room mates that had a daughter together and he was in such denial it just pissed me off but again I was just trapped.
And I kept myself trapped because I would convince myself that I had to be there, that I deserved how I was living, but Alyssa didnt. And my body was the truest victim of the bullshit I was putting it through.
After I tore all of the ligaments in my foot, enough was enough. Alyssa didnt deserve how we were living or how we were being treated and neither did I. I was too heavy, I was too fed up, and I was done with punishing myself for making one mistake and trying to find the good in someone that thrived in not thriving at anything. I made myself suffer for four years for one wrong choice, and something finally made me snap.
I am a powerful woman, I am a strong woman, and no one has ever known the inner workings of my personal struggles with weight or anything and I will never let that side of me make the rest of me so broken again.
I finally started to lose the weight again, moved, reconnected with people that are truly good, and found my love again.
I am only 20 lbs away from my goal weight and I will reach it before February.
Damn I shared alot...thanks for reading
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