I hate to admit that maybe things are about to start getting better because that is exactly when they dont. However, today I am happy and that is something to be even happier about. I have a "glow" apparently and I am working my ass off to try and get a different job and apply to these scholarships so that it isnt quite as difficult on me while I am in school. I know how harmful stress can be on the body and I am so scared of getting high blood pressure and problems because I cant ever be unstressed. I couldnt sleep again last night and ended up working out till almost two am. I feel amazing today but last night it was just like come on, wined down already. I did my 100 workout, really worked on my arms because they are starting to look like bingo wings to me. I have been told I am an idiot for thinking that but I know how my body feels when it is in shape and when it isnt. Right now I am not in shape and I hate that. I want to be able to wear a pair of shorts without being self conscious of my legs. I use to love my legs, but these last few months have taken a huge tole on me. I am finally getting back to where I can cook my food again and I dont have to rely on fast food or premade shit. I love homecooking. I control what goes in, and how fattening it is. I control the veggies and the lack of processed shit. I feel so much better when I can make from scratch.
By the way if you cant tell, I am literally just writing everything that is coming to my mind. I am getting finished up applying for some scholarships and feel as though I need to just kind of mind dump everything. Or at least, everything that is on my mind right now.
For example, when I was a kid, I remember all these talk shows and everything that would actively seek out people who needed their lives changed for the better. Like Oprah and Maury and Montell Williams. They would bring people on that needed something, like oh your a single mom going back to college, here is 10,000 dollars to make shit easier on you so you can complete your goal. Oh, your mom hasnt had a makeover in how many years because she works all the damn time and has a rare medical condition so technically she shouldnt even be working, he is 5000 dollars worth of new clothes and a makeover with cosmetic surgery on her smile to make her feel rejuvenated! Yeah, that shit doesnt happen anymore. Now, people search out just the bad to televise and publicize. I remember writing a million and a half letters begging for some talk show to help my mom. Not a single one ever even wrote back. I know they received millions of letter probly, but that is what personal assistance is for. I am just talking out of my ass right now, I know. Ok I am done for now, back to work!!!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Why Dental School? Why go back to College?
Why on earth did you go back to College and why in the world was it dental school?
Why, because I can. I was sitting in my empty aparment looking at a million and a half ads for loss prevention and management positions, all the while none of them were responding to me and there was no way I could spend another two grand to get my cosmetology license switched to Texas. I was also on the phone with my mother who has been battling for years and years to get a very necessary surgery on her teeth. She cannot get it done though because her blood disorder requires her to be hospitalized when its done and no dentist will do that without not only charging her insurance an arm and a leg but her a torso and some other apendages. It is absolutely ridiculous! She has dental insurance and cannot even get a NECESSARY LIFE SAVING surgery.
When you have an infection in the mouth, the damage that it does to the rest of your' body is normally unseen or unfelt for years, however, in someone that already has a blood disorder that causes them to be on blood thinners 24/7, the infection can spread rapidly to the brain, eyes, mucus passages of the ears, nose, and throat, or directly to the heart, liver, and lungs. Keeping your mouth healthy is just as if not more important then keeping the rest of your' body healthy.
You add the fact that blood thinners literally rot away the teeth, allowing the infection to run rampid, for about 12 years, yeah my mom needs that surgery. And if I cannot pay for it personally, or get the standards changed through her insurance, why not go into the field myself and find someone who will do it and I can assist on it.
Change the world by being the one person to stand up and say NO! I will not stand for this! I will change it from the inside and I will rule this shit! That is what I do. I walk into something, anything, and I rule. I learn all that I need to learn, find my opportunities of growth, and dominate. I have done this since I was a kid and I will always do this. I get bored because I must feel challenged and I know that I have a rather high IQ. It was stunted for a while because I am dyslexic but I never let that stop me. I never let that define what kind of student or leader I would be. My mom needs this surgery, I needed something that was challenging and constructive to do with my time, so I killed one bird with two stones of determination and drive. I am ambitious, I wont appologize for that or back off. Ambition is what drives the world, it is what makes things possible, and dreams and goals. My dream is to not have to worry that my mom is going to call me from some hospital somewhere and tell me that the infection has spread to something untreatable because no one was willing to listen. No one was willing to do their job without being paid triple the cost. No one was willing to be like, ya know what the insurance company is already paying me 20,000 to do this surgery on her, I dont need to take an additional 10,000 from her. She doesnt have it.
So, why on earth would I do something like go to back to college for something so "boring" as dental? Well, you judgemental prick, because I care about my mom, my family, and my future and when you need your shit taken care of because you dont know how to brush and floss fucker, I will be there with a high speed handpiece in my hand and some antiseptic for your' loser ass.
Sorry, that really made me frustrated.
Why, because I can. I was sitting in my empty aparment looking at a million and a half ads for loss prevention and management positions, all the while none of them were responding to me and there was no way I could spend another two grand to get my cosmetology license switched to Texas. I was also on the phone with my mother who has been battling for years and years to get a very necessary surgery on her teeth. She cannot get it done though because her blood disorder requires her to be hospitalized when its done and no dentist will do that without not only charging her insurance an arm and a leg but her a torso and some other apendages. It is absolutely ridiculous! She has dental insurance and cannot even get a NECESSARY LIFE SAVING surgery.
When you have an infection in the mouth, the damage that it does to the rest of your' body is normally unseen or unfelt for years, however, in someone that already has a blood disorder that causes them to be on blood thinners 24/7, the infection can spread rapidly to the brain, eyes, mucus passages of the ears, nose, and throat, or directly to the heart, liver, and lungs. Keeping your mouth healthy is just as if not more important then keeping the rest of your' body healthy.
You add the fact that blood thinners literally rot away the teeth, allowing the infection to run rampid, for about 12 years, yeah my mom needs that surgery. And if I cannot pay for it personally, or get the standards changed through her insurance, why not go into the field myself and find someone who will do it and I can assist on it.
Change the world by being the one person to stand up and say NO! I will not stand for this! I will change it from the inside and I will rule this shit! That is what I do. I walk into something, anything, and I rule. I learn all that I need to learn, find my opportunities of growth, and dominate. I have done this since I was a kid and I will always do this. I get bored because I must feel challenged and I know that I have a rather high IQ. It was stunted for a while because I am dyslexic but I never let that stop me. I never let that define what kind of student or leader I would be. My mom needs this surgery, I needed something that was challenging and constructive to do with my time, so I killed one bird with two stones of determination and drive. I am ambitious, I wont appologize for that or back off. Ambition is what drives the world, it is what makes things possible, and dreams and goals. My dream is to not have to worry that my mom is going to call me from some hospital somewhere and tell me that the infection has spread to something untreatable because no one was willing to listen. No one was willing to do their job without being paid triple the cost. No one was willing to be like, ya know what the insurance company is already paying me 20,000 to do this surgery on her, I dont need to take an additional 10,000 from her. She doesnt have it.
So, why on earth would I do something like go to back to college for something so "boring" as dental? Well, you judgemental prick, because I care about my mom, my family, and my future and when you need your shit taken care of because you dont know how to brush and floss fucker, I will be there with a high speed handpiece in my hand and some antiseptic for your' loser ass.
Sorry, that really made me frustrated.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
whatever
"Whatever"...
Let me being by stating that I absolutely hate it when that is someones response especially when we are in a semi stupid argument. I just want to throw my phone right now. When someones says whatever to me after being a total ass for a couple days, I am no idiot. I know the next step. It always happens. Either I am about to lose a friend or about to face a break up or Im just going to have to deal with more bullshit because of my passive aggressive tone. Fuvk!! I just want to scream. Im so tored of this shit. I pour my heart out. I try my hardest. I am nice when I shouldnt ne. I am understanding when there is no fuvking reason I should be understanding of that constant bullshit. I give up being nice, I give up being passive aggressive to try and save someone elses feelings, and Im so fucking done with being the last thought bottom or back orlf the line option! I am not the last option! I am a first option. I will never appologice for being a good mom and putting her first! And I will never appoligize for expecting the same amout of effort as I put into a relationship!
Let me being by stating that I absolutely hate it when that is someones response especially when we are in a semi stupid argument. I just want to throw my phone right now. When someones says whatever to me after being a total ass for a couple days, I am no idiot. I know the next step. It always happens. Either I am about to lose a friend or about to face a break up or Im just going to have to deal with more bullshit because of my passive aggressive tone. Fuvk!! I just want to scream. Im so tored of this shit. I pour my heart out. I try my hardest. I am nice when I shouldnt ne. I am understanding when there is no fuvking reason I should be understanding of that constant bullshit. I give up being nice, I give up being passive aggressive to try and save someone elses feelings, and Im so fucking done with being the last thought bottom or back orlf the line option! I am not the last option! I am a first option. I will never appologice for being a good mom and putting her first! And I will never appoligize for expecting the same amout of effort as I put into a relationship!
Friday, June 6, 2014
Right now
Sitting so alone
In this very empty house
Breathing kind of heavy
Tears flowing like waterfall
Yet no sound coming from my lips.
Sound is the enemy.
If I cry to loud
My little one will hear
She needs not to know my fear.
Class all day,
Work most of the night,
Her all the time inbetween,
And still cant catch up.
Those who are meant to help dont
Their needs surpass their childs.
Those who offer to help
Always end up resenting it
Judging the need
Or running for the hills.
A woman can only do so much
I pretend to be a super hero
But my mortality quickly reminds me
How low on the totum I rank.
So I sit here
In this very empty house
Crying
Clipping coupons
Juggling bills
Fighting sleep
Gripped with fear....
Never making a sound.
In this very empty house
Breathing kind of heavy
Tears flowing like waterfall
Yet no sound coming from my lips.
Sound is the enemy.
If I cry to loud
My little one will hear
She needs not to know my fear.
Class all day,
Work most of the night,
Her all the time inbetween,
And still cant catch up.
Those who are meant to help dont
Their needs surpass their childs.
Those who offer to help
Always end up resenting it
Judging the need
Or running for the hills.
A woman can only do so much
I pretend to be a super hero
But my mortality quickly reminds me
How low on the totum I rank.
So I sit here
In this very empty house
Crying
Clipping coupons
Juggling bills
Fighting sleep
Gripped with fear....
Never making a sound.
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