Black Friday.....

When in the hell did black Friday start on fucking Thursday!!????!!! For all of my over seas readers, thanksgiving is kind of a big deal over here in America. It's not our independence day but it's a very special holiday that is suppose to be spent with family or friends celebrating the years and everything that you are thankful for. Over the years it has been morphed into just getting together with friends and/or family and stuffing your face with massive amounts of turkey or ham and many other foods and then in alot of homes watching some football. When I was younger it was spent at a native American powwow and I was either tending to the meal being prepared over a fire or I was a featured dancer in the arena.

Now, these stupid corporate ass hats are opening stores at 6 pm on fucking thanksgiving!  Screw spending time with family or helping clean up after everyone has gorged themselves on turkey, nope let's go shop at target or Walmart and buy a bunch of shit we don't need but it's on sale and it's shopping for another mass corporate driven bullshit holiday that again is suppose to be about family and togetherness but fuck that. It's about who has the best presents?!?! I am beyond aggravated about this. Not only do all of the clowns who are shopping on Thanksgiving miss the point but now all these people that wanted to spend their holiday with their families but work in retail now also have to work on the holiday. It's even more aggravating because it just makes it all okay. Think about all the soldiers that can't be home for any holiday and these stupid retailers are just taking advantage of greedy mother fuckers who don't see the point in family togetherness.

I am NOT going to shop on Thanksgiving. I WILL NOT shop on black Friday I do not give a fuck about the sales! I will NOT add to this bullshit and refuse to support it in any way. I beg any of my American readers to remember the reason to these holidays and celebrate your family/friends/what you are thankful for. Don't support these retailers that are just fattening their wallets with your money while your still struggling. If you do invest your money in a sale, do it at a local store that way the money stays into your local economy. These corporations do not care about your family, they obviously do not care about their employees who have to go in on Thanksgiving NOT black friday. Come on common sense people!

Instagram-y for me lol

I broke down and made a damn instagram account. All these years I have stuck to specific social media sites in the delusional idea that I was doing something good for myself. The truth is it doesn't matter what site you go on, the Web is the web. And, you can get addicted to social media just as easily as you can get addicted to anything else. How do I know? Because my pathetic ass cannot stay off my damn facebook for more than two days EVEN if I don't post anything. I am so fucking pathetic. Whatever. Follow me on instagram at ms.elkins_yall

Not much to report for the last few days. procrastination at its finest today. I blame the cold weather and my warm blankets/robe. I managed to get up and take a nice warm shower but then it took me a whole damn hour almost to choose something to wear....what do I choose? Leggings and a long sleeve black shirt..basic bitch is my outfit for the day. Now I should be cleaning my house and preparing for my week but I have this kitten on my foot and if I move she wakes up and if she wakes up the dogs get up and my feet stop being so warm. Ugh!!!!

So sleepy but can't clos see my eyes

I am so exhausted. It has been a very hectic day, month, several months....I want to close my eyes and rest but for some reason it's just not happening. I feel restless and with everything that has happened, I feel just broken hearted but empty. I'm not sad. I'm not even pissed anymore. I'm just laying here. And, at the same time I'm not just laying here because I refuse to stay still. If everyone else can move on why can't I?

I cleaned and scrubbed my house today. Not like a thorough spring type cleaning but the bleach was out. I even made Cleo my semi foster kitty a little jungle gym of sorts just because I was bored. Not bored enough to work ahead in my course but bored enough to take some boxes and make a little kitty maze out of them. Do you know how that is? You have all these other things to do on your to do list but it just seems so much more responsible to make a completely new thing to do......yeah, mind of a woman I guess...or just the mind of a lost heart.

Random thought for the night and to end this rambling nonsense of mine for the night, " If blue birds can fly way above the rainbows, why can't I"?

Suppose to be studying but......

So, I am suppose to be studying for this business test that I am about to take but pretty much everything is common sense. Instead, I am going to write a quick blog on common sense. I am actually someone that prides them self in the fact that I am not a blooming damn idiot when it comes to most things that are common sense. I am not so niave and sheltered from this world as ALOT of these people in my class are. I feel for them. I really do. Never having a job before, never being able to land a job, no knowing what to say or how to dress, and being so dumb to EVERYTHING that is normal for someone who should be prepared for society should know. I am, however, dumb when if comes to personal interacts with people apparently. I can be and am great at being professional and I am very out going but keeping regular friends, being able to keep a relationship like romantically- nope. 

That being said, I am now never going to write about the love of my life again because he isnt. I am also going to refrain from writing about my kilt wearing rock star because rock star status has been diminished a bit. That is all I am going to say about that. I do not want to be a complete bitch. I know that I have been. I know the mistakes I have made and I cannot change that. All I can do is move on and never be such an idiot ever again. 

Welp, testing time!! 

Takes the cake

This week I have learned many things and reflected much on myself and my choices. The truth is I have made so many mistakes and chose the wrong people so many times. I have also been more forgiving than I should have and I've trusted the wrong ones with my heart. I know I hold some double standards because I am a woman and guess what some times we are a tad bit irrational. However, no I won't go into that tirade because there is no excuse. I fucked up. I trusted someone I thought I could and turns out I couldnt. I should have said things I didn't and I lost what I thought was my future. No one is my future besides my daughter, myself, and the goals I have for my little family. If there are people that don't want to be in my life they can leave. Regardless of how many times I allowed them back in mine, forgave, accepted, and tried. I cannot change what I've done, who I love, who I cannot love, who I feel trapped by, and why I feel so alone in a crowded room. It's probably because of those same people that I trusted and found out I couldnt. I know my mistakes. I know my flaws. I'm upfront about them. Ugh I feel like I'm just going in circles of how shitty I am. Enough!

why am I awake???

This will be a relatively short blog or at least I am starting it out as a short blog, don't reallyknow but we will see. I'm laying here wondering why in tthe world I am awake right now. It's literally 2 am in the morning and I have been up since 11pm. My dumb self fell asleep super early (about 7 pm) when my little munchkin with the sniffles needed to go to bed but come on I need more than 4 hours of sleep right? That Is debate able, appatently it is actually healthier to sleep in two 3-4 hours time spans with about an hour separation in between the two. Cool, great, that's awesome. My problem is I cannot get back to sleep! Even with a tiny little Kitten purring in my ear, which is quite soothing, I am wide awake!!! 
In my alertness I have done as most Americans do and watched entirely too much YouTube. The best show being #goodmythicalmorning , they had a video where they took the predictive text that now literally tries to guess the next word of your sentence and tried to get to a key word only using the words provided in the predictive text on your phone. I am going to attempt tthat now at least once. 

OK here I go LOL, 
The word I need to get to is Sleep. 

I have to be able to get to the right place to be able to make it to the right now and then you can get it.  

Hahaha haha well I tried. Good morning or good night where ever you may be.  

Your' lot in life

To each their own, right?

 It is very upsetting sitting here thinking about how insignificant certain things can be, how insignificant we can be, how we can all get lost in that train of thought and miss out on the impact we are making. Each and every person is significant in their own right. Each and every person has a role to play, a decision to make, a world to shape with in this much greater world we all live in. No, I may not be a president or rule a country but I would like to believe that my actions still play a big part of the bigger picture. My choices still impact the future, even though I may be only one tiny insignificant person, I am NOT insignificant. My actions affect the actions of others. My choices mold not only my future but others, and so do yours.

Even if you feel like you are nothing in this big hectic world, or just an ant running around the city, you play a huge part. 

I was thinking about all of this, this morning as I was cursing the bus driver who was not only late but SUPER LATE. I waited at that bus stop for over an hour and was almost late to school. It was humiliating, depressing, and honestly cold. I HATE not having my car right now. My daughter shouldnt have to walk or ride her bike to school (it doesnt hurt her, we live super close to her school, and she loves to ride her bike but at the same time I grew up being an American, so it has been embedded into my brain that I should have a car and shouldnt have to walk.) Do not get me wrong. I am no less of a person because I have to ride the bus, I am not boushy or too proud to walk. Fuck that, I will and I will rock that shit. I just have that mentality that I can do better and my child will always deserve better because I am a mother ALWAYS willing to work my ass off to make sure she has better. I was just pissed cause it was cold and I want my damn car back already. 

However, that bus driver affected my life. What if for some reason I was suppose to be exactly on time today instead of early? What if sometimes we are suppose to be late so that we dont get in an accident, we dont see something we shouldnt, we dont hear something that will hurt us, we meet someone that does play a huge role in our future but we just dont know it yet? There have been many instances where I was thankful to be late to something because if I would have been on time or early as I wanted to be, I wouldnt be here today. Once, a few years ago, my bff Megan was driving me from Arkansas back to Florida for the first time. We stopped at a gas station somewhere in Atlanta Georgia and there was this Tiny Kitten that just stopped us. It walked its little paws right up to my pitbull I had at the time with no fear and we were so taken by this little Kitten, she rescued it, and we were about thirty minutes later back on the road than we wanted to be. However, if that tiny Kitten wouldnt have stopped us for that time, we would have been involved in a huge eight car pile up that literally closed 6 of the 8 lanes going through Atlanta. It was scary. 

So, even though I wanted to continue cursing this bus driver in my head that then stopped and took a smoke break at one of the stops even though we were already running late, I calmed myself down and began thinking on all of this. 

She may have been doing a shitty job and she shouldnt have stopped for a damn cigarette break but I still made it to school on time and as I said before, maybe that is precisely the time that I needed to arrive here.

I found out when I got to school today some of my girlfriends were talking about me and my situtation at the moment and how the "friend" who was helping me out with rides in the morning while I get everything figured out with my car was being very bitchy about why she stopped driving me. I thought it was because she got another job but from that it makes me really wonder, is this girl even my friend? Did she think I was just using her? I honestly wasnt, I thought we were becoming fast friends and I even helped her out because she told me how her and her mother had no food in the house but none of that matters apparently. 

I am really, really tired of fair weather friends and people who are only one way to your face and another when you are not around. I am the same no matter what. I am outspoken, I am modest, I am outgoing, I am ambitious, and I am a very fierce friend to have.  

People keep giving me reasons to not be but I am who I am. It is hard as hell to try and change that. I try and open myself up and I keep getting smacked in the face with proof after proof of why I shouldnt. Why I shouldnt let anyone in. Why I shouldnt believe in certain things. But to not is against my very fiber of being. 

Well, off to catch the bus. 

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It is what it is

It is what it is. I am not perfect, I do not claim to be. Actually, I claim the opposite. It still sucks knowing that I am the cause of someones pain and sadness. My trying wasnt enough, infact it just made me look like an ass. 

Here lately, that is the only thing that I am good at. Being an ass, looking like an ass, and making a fool of myself. I am so good at hurting the ones I love that it is astounding. Even when I think I am doing well, I am not. 

Well.....here is to not caring because I only fuck it up when I do care. It is what it is. 

Well I need to go get some studying done for class tomorrow and cleaning done today.....yay me...... =/

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!! ( A day late but so what)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! (Samhain for all my Pagan friends, and Day of the Dead for all my Latino Friends) 

I had a pretty awesome Holiday. I spent most of the day studying and cleaning, which people would be like "why is that such a good day?" Well, Ive felt pretty crappy lately and cleaning made me feel wonderful! After that, my little munchkin had a "carnival" at her school that I helped with being one of the parents that was asked to do so, and I GOT TO SEE MY BROTHER!! 

It was great!! It has been about 6-7 years since I have seen him last and he has never met my little munchkin, so it was not only heart warming to see them meet but I really wanted to cry most of the day. He picked me up and we picked my little diva up together. I cant believe how much of a northerner he is! It was so funny talking to him now! I sound like a seriously southern bell and he sounds like a major northerner/almost canadian. It was great! 

I would post a pic of him and my little Diva but I need to be just a bit careful. 

Anyway, our Halloween consisted of getting caught up with each other, very slight trick or treating because apparently these Texans/Mexicans do not participate in that tradition, and then watching the nightmare before Christmas, and passing smooth the heck out reading my little Diva her bedtime story. 

I love Halloween, I love celebrating Samhain. Most dont get the fact that yes, you are suppose to think about your ancestors past and it is a day of celebrating the dead but that is just the thing, it is to celebrate them not to be somber or sad. I refuse to be sad on Halloween. Even when nothing happens on Halloween and I have had some crummy Halloweens, I cannot be sad. I celebrate and am festive. 

Today, on the other hand has been quite blah. I had to resign the job I was working because my babysitter completely no called no showed me again. So much for friends right....ugh 

I have to say that the main suck-ish part about living here is having no one I can fully count on to watch my little diva or come through for me in any way. Friends are very fair weathered here and its slightly depressing. I would glady stand up and help out "friends" if asked but oh well. 

There are so many instances that are making me feel as though I should just stop caring. Just shut it off and stop. So many people who keep just giving me cause to no care at all or regret the fact that I did. 

I just keep telling myself only two classes left and an externship and then bam I am on my way and outa here. 

Hope you all have a great weekend! 

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