I know I'm not the only one out there that has these sinking, depressing, and ridiculous feeling of being completely and utterly alone; even when you are in a crowded room or with at least one other person, you still feel so alone. Maybe it's because you aren't with the one person you want to be or maybe it's because you feel as though there is no one out there who can make you feel like you aren't alone in this ever growing world. I know I'm not actually alone. I have all my fur babies around me, my little munchkin constantly with me, and well that's about it. I know a few people are just a call or text away but even of they were right here they wouldn't be. They would be in their own world and consumed with their own things. Even when I am surrounded by family I sometimes feel as though I was just dropped there and although I understand these people around me, I will always be the stranger in the room. I get noticed on a regular basis, I get flirted with on a regular basis, and people turn to me for advice or help constantly but not one person has ever made it there mission to know me and to stay. They get what they want or need and disappear like a ghost. Or, once they do get to know me they still blow away like a leaf that just got picked up by the strong fall wind. I know I guard myself and push people away at times but it's because I know they will be out of my life before the next season comes and I can't take it. Sometimes I pretend that for this one time they are the one that is going to prove me wrong and before my internal lie can even really take hold, I'm staring at myself in the mirror alone again and questioning where I went wrong as a friend, maybe I wasn't that great of a love, or who would/could ever be that interested in me? I'm a joke, a passing fasination, a forget able person. I try to fight these feelings ever single day and most days I win. Today, I am fighting a losing battle.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Neon lights and new beginnings
My first week of clinical went very very well ^-^ I am so very proud of myself and more determined than ever! It started out with the immediate listing of being the "office" head/lead (which is basically the teachers assistant but still awesome)! Personally, I do not care in the least if anyone wants to call me a suck up or teachers pet or anything. I know I'm not. I just do what is asked of me, I don't bitch, and I am reliable. Which is something barely anyone else can claim. We already had 2 exams and I passed the first one and then rocked the 2nd one. I would have rocked the first one too but it was timed and I didn't get to answer the last 4 questions. My next exam on Tuesday will go much better because I know it's timed now and I know I am going to walk away with a perfect A. My studying like crazy will not be for nothing damn it! Lol!
I am in such a good mood because I know the stars the the limit. I still have all the stresses as before but I know I can do it. I have let go of everything that has been weighing me down in the past. Literally. I am so proud of myself for doing so. You would never guess who messaged me the past few days (saying sorry and he missed me and he still lives me...) yup you guessed it...my ex love of my life/high school sweet heart. I will always love him because he is my first love and he did have my heart for the longest time but I can honestly say that I Dont feel bound to him anymore. I don't feel like I have to jump when he realizes he still wants me. I can't just forget all of the extremely hurtful things he's said and done and how he didn't back me up or defend me in the least when everything blew up. Not to mention how hateful he was toward me knowing I had been so forgiving and accepting of him for so long. It didn't matter and a heart never breaks evenly. There is always an unfair aspect of it and a selfish reason behind everything. I for one, am thoroughly done with it.
I see all these other options available to me. I see how I am so much more wanted than how I was treated before by anyone. I know the power that rested with in me for so long and is now awakened. I know I deserve more, am worth more, and will have better. I will never be a second option or fall back again. I don't have to be. I don't have to settle for 2nd best or a love that was unfaithful, hypocritical, and judgemental. I will never be controlled or told how I should be in a relationship.
I am also not stopping with this degree. I have found a true love of dentistry, specifically oral surgery. I want to become an oral surgeon and that is going to be another few years of college and specialized training but it's well worth it. I want that doctorate and I will get it. Wish me luck!! That of course comes after I get my mom her surgery and some more experience under my belt which is fine by me because that then gives me a chance to save up the money to pay for the degrees.
As always thankyou for reading and please feel free to comment below or shoot me a direct message as a few of you have ^-^ I love interacting directly with my lovely readers. Feel free to follow my blog or my instagram @ms.elkins_yall
And Have a WONDERFUL DAY/NIGHT where ever in the world you maybe :-)
Monday, January 5, 2015
Grrrrr!!!!! Insomnia why?!?!?!
FUCK!!!!! Why must my insomnia strike with a fucking vengeance the night before I start my clinicals?????? I have to be up in 3 hours to start my day and go to class and not a bit of sleep. I haven't even had an easy day. I even went running earlier and nope, not a wink. Anyone else out there dealing with a bit of sleeplessness?
Ugh....
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Thanks for reading, comment, share, etc :-/
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Clinicals!!!!!!
So, Monday I start my clinicals!!!!!!
I am not nervous. I guess everything to this point has kicked me to the point where I'm just like, "Bring it!" I am ready for this shit and can't wait till its over. Currently I am preparing my binder for class on Monday. I know that everyone said I don't need notes because everything is hands on but I know I will or someone will and Ild rather be prepared than to just go with the flow. I haven't gotten to where I am by listening to those that, I'm sorry but, barely passed. I refuse to barely pass. I'm going to kick ass, take names, and rock this shit.
My winter break has gone remarkably well. My munchkin and I did catch a small winter cold but besides that things have been great. I was seriously spoiled by we will call him Army Love. Army love is new and very sweet. He is remarkable, kind, romantic, hilarious, and driven. I didn't think I was going to have any kind of a love life for a while because let's face it K. and really, the former kilt wearing whatever really made me question everything. I know what the mistakes I made in each relationship and I know what I needed to work on. But I also found out the people I thought I knew weren't people I even knew in the least. They both hurt me so many levels. They both lied about so many things. They both pushed me a point of no return and honestly it was foolish of me to keep trying for as long as I did. You can't make someone love you. You can't make someone try if they really don't want to. You can't see how controlling and manipulative someone is until you step back from them. Both of them tried and succeeded in manipulating me to accept things I never should have. I won't make that mistake again and I won't ever allow anyone to make me feel how both of them made me feel at one point or another.
So, now that I am onto someone fresh and new and amazing- who sought me out and is chasing me and not the other way around, I'm going to take the experiences I learned and suffered through and put them to good use. It truly is a new year. :-)