Tangled

I just watched the movie "tangled" for the first time. Yes, I know I am behind the curve on watching movies but dang, I am a busy woman. 

However, 

I have to say that was one of the best depictions of that story I have ever seen. I was honestly moved, is that sad? 

By the way, if you are wondering what I am doing up so late, its because I literally couldnt sleep. Earlier I took a nap with my munchkin after a very long day at the mechanics shop. I apparently slept way longer than I should have. Long story short, I tried to sleep and woke up not but like thirty mins later. I took a shower thinking it would relax me so I could sleep but that didnt work. I just ended up cleaning the bathroom and am awake. 

While I was in the shower, listening to music on my phone, I found a problem with Beyonce's song Irreplaceable. Love Beyonce, and generally I love her lyrics. This wasnt the first time that I have heard that song or really focused on the lyrics but I guess it just clicked tonight. During the chorus verses when she is going on about, "Standing in the front yard telling me how Im such a fool, talking about how Ill never ever find a man like you! You got me to stand! You must not know about me! You must not know about me! I could have another you in a minute!" 

She goes on in the song explaining that she is kicking this guy out because he was cheating on her so I have one huge bone to pick with this song, 

If she is the strong independent woman that she is why would she want another man like him? If she has such a strong fix on monogamy and he is such an ass, why in the hell would you want to find just a replacement and not an upgrade? No, he isnt irreplaceable. There are literally millions of guys out there ready and waiting to latch onto a strong woman and ride her coat tails to the top, all the while cheating on her with another woman (or man, I dont judge). And, then again there are woman that do that same senerio to men.  

I do not want another man like him. I am open to more than monogamy because it seems to be the human condition but I also know that monogamy can work. It all depends on the people in the relationship and how hard they work on it. And, just so everyone knows there is a HUGE difference between polyamory and poligamy. Dont believe me, look that shit up. I dont have time right now to really explain it all, hell you are on a computer google it. 

Moving on.....

As I was saying earlier, I had a very long day at the mechanics shop. I went because my truck overheated the other day and I have been worried ever since then. Now I did have two other mechanics look at it, my uncle and a friend, both basically said the same thing. It appeared to be the thermostat. Before I spent all that money on replacing a thermostat, I wanted just one more opinion and got a full coolant diagnostic done. Thank God I did! Not only do I need to replace the thermostat and do a full flush of the whole block but I have to get a new radiator and have the duel fan replaced because it isnt coming on when the air conditioning is on. 

The lead mechanic at this shop said that what most likely happened was that the fan went out before I drove down here and that caused the engine to start to overheat. When that happened, it burnt up the coolant that was in there and created a blockage, which of course stopped the thermostat from opening, the truck over heated, and then the whole that was already in the radiator got just a tad bit bigger or a weak spot produced a whole. All in all leaving me in the predicament I am currently in. I can either fork out 500 dollars and have my uncle fix everything, which may take some time, fork out almost two grand and get it all done at the shop, or take the chance of going upside down and trading it in for hopefully a more reliable and better condition vehical. 

I love my dodge and it got me here safe and sound, so in one aspect I would like to try and fix it but then again, we have already had to replace the tires, the radiator hose (the first week), the radio, the air in the middle section, and my windows have stopped working. We just bought the truck!! We have only made about five payments on it! I can see doing all of this maybe a year  into it at the earliest but this is pathetic. 

Rant time

Let me start out by saying that my heart goes out to all the vicitms, their families, and friends of the Colorado shooting. That shit was crazy! Not to mention the fact that after it was all said and done the families of the victims had to go to a staging area or drive around to a whole bunch of hospitals with photos to find their loved ones because a majority of them didnt have their i.d.'s on them. That has to be the hardest part, its worst then just waiting. Knowing your family member or dear friend has been injured but you cannot figure out the extent until you find them, only to find out they werent injured...they were killed or they died not to soon before you found them. 

Stuff like this just doesnt happen in America. To be perfectly honest, we are spoiled to safety. In other countries its like a daily event. Every step out of your door potentially could be your last, heck you dont even have to walk out. Sometimes, the violence and hate comes to them, like in Africa. The people are pulled out of their houses, young boys are taken to become fighters and more children soldiers, women are raped repeatedly until the rampage is over and then they may or may not be killed. 

We are very blessed to be spoiled, to assume that if we send our kids or even go ourselves to a midnight showing of a movie that we are just going to a movie. That everything will be okay and at the end of the night, home is out destination. Not a hospital or morgue. 

On a different note, that lonely feeling I was talking about in my last entry has finally arrived. Although, every one has been really nice to me, I am starting to see where I am not welcome or wanted. I am in a very small class and at first I thought that was a good thing but really its harder than being in a big class. Especially, coming into a small class long after roles have been established and you dont know who has beef with who because being "fake"/professional and always wearing a smile is a basic thing. I hate the feeling out phase..your getting to know them, they are getting to know you and in the end neither of you really know each other at all. Just bullshit assumptions and guesses. 

Yesterday, was a really busy day in the salon but it went by really smoothly. However, its getting kind of annoying how nice these people are and then they just stop talking to you and start or continue another conversation with someone else, that is clearly about you or has something to do with you. Even if they arnt really talking crap about you, hello! You were just talking to me, ya think instead of making the topic me or something about me, I could maybe join in and give you my perspective or thankyou for the weird ass compliment. 

Although, thats how its going to be coming into a salon as the new cosmetologist so...I should just get use to it then, huh?

Being the new girl again

Let me just say that being the new girl again has its advantages and its disadvantages. I am not quite sure if they are equaling out yet or if they are going to but at least I don't feel like an outcast just yet. 

When I was younger and had to start at a new school or in a new class, it was always very awkward for me. I wasnt the shy kid but to me, I always felt like I was walking in just a second to late to be considered.....for any group or status...if that makes any sense. So, I would just find my own way and befriend like minded people. I wasnt particularly an outcast because everyone knew who I was and I fit into several different groups (jocks, skaters, singers, poets, goths, etc) but I was never a bonified member of any group in particular. I was that one jig saw piece that always gets put to the side cause it just doesnt fit anywhere yet. 

Just when I think I am starting to, shit gets changed up, I miss the inside joke, I space out cause I am bored, and then I am lost again. Its kind of aggravating and for a while a tad bit depressing. But, as always I found my own way and got by. 

I dont want to just get by. 

I dont want to just get by in any aspect of my life. I dont want to just get by paying the bills, just get by pretending to be happy, just get by or get through a relationship. 

Which, is why I am thankful to report that my first two days at my new campus have been anything but awkward. I havent been getting by, I feel like I have been flourishing. Tomorrow is my second day on the salon floor and if its as busy as my first day, Ill be floored! 

There are several new rules I have to get use to but all in all it has been great, everyone has been helpful and kind, and I feel very confident. 

Ill write more later, my muchkin is going nuts 

Declaration of Me

Last night I was up late and wrote something pretty freaking awesome and I called it the declaration of me. 

Here is an elaboration and exclusion of that because some of the things I had to change, elaborate on, and exclude because this is a far different site. 

I have recently moved back to my home state and although I am breathing a huge sigh of relief, I still feel the weight of my three year entrapment. But not for any longer. I forgot who I was and denied my dominant nature for such a long time. Sort of...

I was blessed with someone that kept me sane through it all, opened up my heart, and made me break through the chains of the vanilla existence I was faking my way through. He never gave up on me and never let go. Although he has a very dominant personality himself he still let my domme nature run wild from time to time. Never questioning me, always empowering me..I have made mistakes, fucked up quite a bit, and am finally getting to the good parts. To thank him is pointless cause he already knows. . . like everything else.

I kept trying to explain what I am going through as, "getting back to happy," or "becoming the free spirit I use to be" but this is not the happy I knew or the girl I knew. This woman is much better. This woman is truly free and almost at peace level. I am not getting back to happy cause I didnt know what the hell that was until now. And, I pray that I can say that a year from now. That this happy is nothing in comparison to that happy. I was free spirited before but now I am liberated! Now I am confident in the power I possess. I am finally being true to myself and true to the woman I envision myself to be.

I have always been a confident person, no matter what my situation was or what kind of bullshit I was going through, you wouldnt be able to see any doubt on my face or hear any shake in my voice. But now I have strength behind that confidence. You will hear me and you will do as I command. You will see me shine! You will see me dominate every obstacle and bullshit placed before me! I am not a little girl that can be pushed around or told how to live. I am ALIVE! I am LIVING! I am POWERFUL!

 I am a mother and the father of my child is a pathetic excuse of a man. He proudly boasted that he was trying to trap me in a state that I hated, in a life style that made me pathetic, and in a frame of mind that was useless. I am not that kind of woman. I will not be held down or held back, no stereo type can contain me, no genre, no weak man of weak morals and a non existent lifestyle is going to work for me. He told me I couldnt, so I did. He tried to change me, to weaken me but I broke free. And, I am never going back. I am well educated, I work hard, I play hard, I do everything...and this goddess, this Mistress will not be taken advantage of. I dont know how I was so lost for so long but when my world was truly shaken, this power, this pent up beast inside of me just broke free and took over. I woke up. I am awake now. When I fell to my slumber, I do not know, but I am awake now. And he should fear me.

Not fear in the sense of actual physical harm. I am above that, I have a child to look after and stand up for. Violence will not be tolerated in that sense. There is a huge line between play, exercise, and true physical harm. No, he should fear me in the sense that I will never again bow down, I will never again back down, I will never again allow myself to fall. He should fear the fact I am awake. That, I am not the same as I once was. Petty fights, pent up words, and defeat are not options. I tried. I laid down my heart for the sake of society, expectations, and his own lazy pride. Never again. 

No one will receive my heart that does not deserve the privileged. No one will boast such deceptions in my name again. I was given the greatest blessing out of a horrid situation and I will not falter on it. She is my blessing, she is my responsibility. He is not. 

I am powerful. I am blessed. I am captivating. I am free. 

I am a mother. I am a story teller. I am soldier and a nurse. I am a writer and a critic. I am happy and I am sad. I am an adult with an old soul and the spirit of a child. I am finding out who I am and I am finally being true to myself. I am a cosmetologist and I am beautiful. But I am so much more and will never cease to find the things that define and captivate who I am. 

This is the declaration of me. 

Just some stuff on my mind

Taking a moment to reflect on somethings.

I am a real piece of work. I have become everything that I dislike and at the same time I feel so liberated. I am finally getting back to happy and at the same time I really dont even know if I even know what happy means. Everything is so complicated and full of conditions. I can love someone but have to settle for the next best thing. I finally get my opportunity and blow it. I am not perfect and I dont want to be but I try so hard to be the "perfect" that is expected and each persons "perfect" is different. 

I want to be me, just me. But, I dont even know who I am. I play all these different people for the benefit of different people in the end just wishing one person can look at me and know the difference. I hate being pushed away, put into a corner, concealed into a stigma, and settling for the path of least resistance. Knowing that, that path isnt easy for very long and my heart will just be broken in the end. I am finally free of a two year constant heartbreak...and although I am not on rock bottom anymore, cloud nine is still pretty fucking far away. 

Personally, I think cloud nine is just a cop-out anyway. When i was there I did fee fantastic but the feeling falls away so quickly. Its not a constant and again comes with conditions. 

"If I would have known then what I know now, I wouldnt dive in, I wouldnt bow down. Gravity hurt but the feeling is such bliss, falling from cloud." 

IM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM HOME!! WE MADE IT! 

So, I ended up packing up my trailer and truck all day, then took a shower, and then drove straight for about 15 hours. It was all worth the hard work. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. Saying that finally being here is a huge sigh of relief is a huge understatement. 

I was welcomed into Florida with some sunshine rain, which is like one of my favorite things about the weather down here. Its so weird and so cool all at the same time. Not a cloud in the sky, bright and sunny, and yet its pouring down rain. Its like God was like, "well, lets throw in this curve ball and see how they react to it." 

In all truth though I am seriously thankful for that rain though. It woke me right up and I was really starting to feel the fatigue of the drive and still had about a hundred miles to go. It literally came out of no where and guided me almost all the way home. It was like a figurative five hour energy shot from God. 

Alyssa, ended up sleeping the majority of the way and was actually really good the rest of the way. Only had one temper tantrum at one gas station but that was because Alabama was fucking hot. It was ridiculous! It was only 94 degrees but it felt like it was about 115! 

My dog Zuko and my turtle did really well too. Zuko was so excited to just ride in comfort after having to be stuck outside for months in Arkansas. He is such a good dog. He has stuck by me, guarded the truck, he snuggled with me last night till I fell asleep,  and hes just been such a good dog. All he ever wanted was just some love and attention. Maybe some air conditioning too. My turtle faired really well too. He rode in my lap the majority of the ride because he was trying to escape from the box I had him in. I swear my turtle thinks he is a ferret or a dog. I have always been able to handle him like he was some other animal. He crawls all over me. Rides in my lap or on my shoulder and he has never bit me. 

Zuko, turtle, Alyssa, and I all ended up having to stop at a rest stop to cool off once we finally got into Florida and out of hot ass Alabama. There were huge signs everywhere saying no pets allowed in rest area but I guess I am a rebel. I put my turtle in my purse grabbed my munchkin and put Zuko on his line and walked right inside. It was a funny sight to see. I had turtle in one sink cooling off. Alyssa (naky baby LOL) cooling off in another sink. And, in the next sink was Zuko and I taking turns. Yeah, the woman that walked in just kinda looked at us like....wow. It was great. I really wish I would have been playing redneck woman on my phone or something. I am not really a redneck. I just dont care. My babies were hot and I was going to make sure they were cooled off. Ill post a pic in a few. 

Anywho, I got here, got a shower, spent some time with the family, and then zonked smooth out! Now aparently its the 4th of July so we are going to the beach. I had my days mixed up and didnt know it was the 4th today...oh well. Happy independence AMERICA!!!!!!! Hope yall all have a wonderful and safe holiday!