Taking a moment to reflect on somethings.
I am a real piece of work. I have become everything that I dislike and at the same time I feel so liberated. I am finally getting back to happy and at the same time I really dont even know if I even know what happy means. Everything is so complicated and full of conditions. I can love someone but have to settle for the next best thing. I finally get my opportunity and blow it. I am not perfect and I dont want to be but I try so hard to be the "perfect" that is expected and each persons "perfect" is different.
I want to be me, just me. But, I dont even know who I am. I play all these different people for the benefit of different people in the end just wishing one person can look at me and know the difference. I hate being pushed away, put into a corner, concealed into a stigma, and settling for the path of least resistance. Knowing that, that path isnt easy for very long and my heart will just be broken in the end. I am finally free of a two year constant heartbreak...and although I am not on rock bottom anymore, cloud nine is still pretty fucking far away.
Personally, I think cloud nine is just a cop-out anyway. When i was there I did fee fantastic but the feeling falls away so quickly. Its not a constant and again comes with conditions.
"If I would have known then what I know now, I wouldnt dive in, I wouldnt bow down. Gravity hurt but the feeling is such bliss, falling from cloud."
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