Reasons why I am a loss prevention officer

This world really saddens me sometimes. 

I sit and wonder what the fuck happened to morality? 

What happened to holiday cheer and showing kindness to your neighbor?

Why the fuck do some people feel the need and/or want to touch belongings of others?? 

Today, I woke up bright an early to go and make some money after two weeks of constant set backs but I was still very determined! 

And! I did end up making the amount of money I was aiming at making! I had all I needed at the moment to get my daughter something special for christmas and to put my deposit down on my apartment! I was lucky enough to get a client who needed multiple cosmetology services and tipped well. Such a wonderfully nice old lady in a nursing home that never really receives pampering. I made her day and she made my month! I was on my way to get a money order for the deposit and go drop it off/get my lease. I was seriously walking on sunshine but seriously needed to pee!! 

I stopped at a gas station that I have literally been to about a thousand times! Got out closed my door (thought I locked it) and ran to the rest room. It was only a few minutes but that is all it takes for a piece of shit slime ball to open my door, grab my charger, and grab my wallet (which had all the money in it, along with alyssas medical card, our food stamp card, and a few other important cards). I called the cops, looked around everywhere for signs of my stuff, and that is when my day went from walking on sunshine, to a stroll through hell. 

I am not proud to be on food stamps but I am proud that I am doing all I can to make sure my daughter has food in her belly and a roof over her head. I am a single parent, not because I did anything wrong, not because he necessarily did either (sometimes shit just doesnt work out and its better to realize that early on then to sit and suffer for years thereby only causing further mental anguish, stress induced health problems, and children thinking that constant fighting is a normal and acceptable thing) but I am. I was also a full time student and am now waiting to start my full time job. 

Its most distressing that, that card was in my wallet because that was how I was going to pay for my daughters Christmas dinner. Not only did this jack ass mother fucker take money that was intended for her presents and our home, he/she stole our Christmas dinner. 

I always lock my truck up. I am a loss prevention officer!! I know that people steal, people you never though would steal, steal. And, 90% of the time those who I catch stealing have the money in their wallets to pay for what they have taken!!! I know, I KNOW, that theft increases during the holiday season and why its so important to be vigilant but this is just fucking pathetic!! I forget one time to double click my lock button on my keys because I have to pee like a race horse and that's when the vultures dive in.

However, things could have been far worse. 

I could have come out to broken glass instead of an open door. I could have had my license and my moms debit card in my wallet instead of inside of my pocket. Who ever that piece of shit was could have taken the time to look inside my center counsel and taken my camera, gps, my other charger, my check book, or looked in the back and taken all my cosmetology stuff. I know I am lucky to have only had my wallet taken. I could have such a bigger headache on my hands than having to come up with more money and waiting on my new cards to be mailed to me. I also know that I am blessed to have the friends, family, and wonderful little girl that I do. 

Even though I was gipped, my friends, my sister, my mother, and my other family members wont let my little girl go with out. And, my little girl although she is only two and I know spoiled in many ways, she is very appreciative of anything that is given to her, whether it means its an expensive toy or a cheap dollar store trinket. She loves whatever she is gifted with and she is thankful for it!! Hell her favorite toy is a microphone that I got for her at the dollar store one day on a whim. 

I am very blessed in many ways. I wont forget that because of one jerk. Karma will kick who ever it was in the ass...

But it is instances like this why I am not only a cosmetologist but a loss prevention officer as well. 

I am a loss prevention officer because stealing hurts more than you will ever realize. When you steal from any store, whether its big or small, a corporation or a small family run business, you are causing them great loss. When a store has a loss it causes prices to shift to cover for that loss. When prices shift it means that some people will now no longer be able to afford the item that they either need or have bought several times before. Dont ever catch yourself bitching about the price of something if you have ever stolen anything. Theft grand or small, causes loss and loss causes price rises, price rises cause loss in clientele, loss in clientele can also lead to more price hikes or more sales which lead to more loss for the store which goes in a huge circle and in some cases can seriously cause the store to go under. Now put that towards people and not businesses. A person works hard for that dollar in their pocket, some jerk comes along and pick pockets that hard working person. Now that person either cant afford their medication, food, shelter, or to treat themselves for working so hard. So, they have to work even harder to make up for that dollar, they stress out, their relationships suffer for the stress and time away from family, and that person now has trust issues. Especially with money. I am a loss prevention officer because thieves dont deserve to take from those who work hard for what they have, they dont deserve to spend that dollar they pick pocketed, that food they stole from another babies tummy. Some thieves steal literally for a living. They think and plan all day every day new and trickier ways of getting away with stealing to support their family. Even though they arnt realizing that by stealing they are only hurting their family in the long run and the families of countless others. 

You dont touch shit that isnt yours! 

You dont open a car door that isnt yours! 

You dont fuck with someones Christmas! 

Being a loss prevention officer doesnt make me a snitch. Snitches are security guards. Cop wanna bees that literally have no power or authority. I have been through the academy, if I was a year older than I was when I went through the academy I would be a cop right now and not a loss prevention/cosmetologist. I am trained to do what I do, insured through whatever company I work for to apprehend shoplifters. I dont taddle, I whoop ass and cuff you for doing wrong. I am not a cop wanna bee I could be a cop right now if I wanted to be. I want to be a loss prevention officer. I protect the store, the economy surrounding the store, and am certified to do so. Its days like today that show me why I do what I do. 

Patience is a virtue...but come on..

Its hard to explain this feeling Im having right now, but Im going to try anyway because I need to know if I am wrong for feeling like this. 

Back before Thanksgiving, I was offered a wonderful job that I am seriously excited about. It means Alyssa and I will have financial stability while my cosmetology business gets off the ground, benefits, and working for a really great company but I have yet to work a full day yet because they keep changing around my schedule for this reason or that. They are all legit reasons why they have to change my schedule (HR, issues with another store, drug screening changes so everyone has to redo their drug screen like company wide, etc) but I am running thin on patience because I am running thin on finances. I was suppose to already have 2 full 40 hr checks by now but I dont/havent because of all of the schedule changes...and now Christmas is going to be very tight, very small, and it just makes me feel inadequate. 

I already feel horrid because I need to move out (like two months ago), I am suppose to be moving out directly after Christmas but now that doesnt seem to be a possibility and if I do then I might screw myself over, and this month just seems to be kicking my ass. No matter how optimistic I try to stay, I keep getting reminded that whatever I do just isnt enough, isnt good enough, and isnt getting the job done. I cannot afford to think like that right now. I hate thinking like that because I know I am not useless, I know I am good enough, and I know that I am doing at least a good job with working on my business and everything. 

Its all just so aggravating....and heart breaking. 

Mainly because now my boss called me and told me that I may not get to go back to finish my training until the 31st because everyone that could be considered to be my mentor is on vacation until then, which for them is a perk of being at such a high title but that sucks for me and my family because that means no 40 hr paycheck till the beginning of the year and although I get a few clients every few days its not like working in a salon where I could draw in walk ins and tips. No, owning your own mobile business is a bit different. 

Heres my link below so you can get a gist of what my business does

http://www.facebook.com/PrideStylists2Go

I think I am mainly in a funk though because I miss Kevin so much and I missed his phone call the other night. It was about 2 in the morning and I was busy dreaming about him, when I could have talked to him. I heard my phone go off in my dream but it wasnt an important ringtone so, let it go to voicemail and just kept dreaming. I shouldnt have. (yes, when I dream I am that lucid to what is going on around my sleeping self. I control the noise I allow in my dreams, i.e alarms, ringtones, peoples voices, dogs barking, etc. If it isnt suppose to be in my dream, I know it and choose whether or not to keep it there...its strange I know..but I learned to control my dreams or at least change them in some way a long time ago, when I use to have nightmares almost every night and would wake up in tears.) He just barely left and I already miss him so much. And, while he is working his ass off over there, I am here being told I cant work just yet. I am delayed, keep getting delayed, and keep getting excuses/making excuses as to why I cant do something I really want and need to do. 

Thanks for reading my rant..pitty party about done. Going to work out while my munchkin is sleeping and sweat my frustration out. 

Supersize vs superskinny

SUPERSIZE VS SUPERSKINNY

What is that? Another documentary about fast food? Nope, its a british (I guess) reality show. Like we have the Hoarders and Intervention, they have a version of their own eye opening reality show. I have been consumed by this show. 

We need this show over here, we need  Dr. Christian over here opening our freaking eyes. 

What catches me so much about this show is that I have been on both spectrum's and have had issues with food and my weight my entire life. I have starved myself, I have tried fad diets, I have said fuck it and ate anything I wanted, I have been mindless, and then consumed by shame which then use to lead me to starve myself again. 

And then my gull bladder failed and I couldnt do that shit anymore. I literally almost died. 

Here are a few pictures of my battle with my weight...

 In these two pictures were taken last summer (June 2011) after my gullbladder had failed (January 2011) and my metabolism was just shit, it didnt help that I was seriously unhappy, depressed, and stressed to the keys. The picture directly below is such a beautiful one of my daughter but its such a horrible one of me. I hate myself so much in this picture I refused to post it to facebook and I literally have thousands of pictures on there...its sad. 

 This picture below was taken in December of 2011 so a few months after the one above. I had worked on my weight a bit but as you can see my ass was still quite an ass.

 I just look so swollen and round in the pic below but that was honestly when I really started working on myself and was the heaviest I have ever been...It was heart breaking and I was fed up

 Why was I so fed up? Because this picture below was what I use to look like before my gullbladder failed, my metabolism was fucked, and I was still working my ass off. This picture was taken in 2010 just a few months after I had Alyssa and was back to work 

 I really didnt gain much weight with Alyssa and the proof of that was this picture below that I took just one week after I had my munchkin. Yes my face was swollen from the fluids but I had no stomach and my legs were still in shape. 

And Now I will show you some pictures of my hard work and weightloss from April 2012 to Now December 2012

 Picture above was taken at my mothers 50th in April 2012. a month after I  truly started my battle with my body. I was 20 lbs down in this picture than the picture far above of me in the BP shirt on the bridge with Alyssa. Which was taken in Marchish..

 Picture above was taken at my schools salon fair where I was a pin up..but as you can see I was still fighting the weight..I started to feel like I was loosing weight and I was just not much...=(  

 This picture above was taken in June right before I transferred and yes the weight was really starting to come off there. In this picture I was down a total of 40 lbs since April and I was working my ass off. Literally...

 Above is from the very next month after I finally got down to Florida and was really starting to see the weight change not just on paper and on the scale but on my body..=) 

Below is a picture taken at my graduation in September. From April to September I had lost a total of 87 lbs and that dress is a size 12 which is literally 10 dress sizes down from where I was at.

 These last two pictures are of me now! Above was taken in October below was about two weeks ago. Down a total of 103 lbs and 11 dress sizes, 5 pant sizes, and 15 inches from around my bum alone. 

I have shared all of these pictures because I have been sucked into this show, Supersize vs superskinny since I discovered the show back in February of last year and I really started rethinking  how I viewed dieting and the fact that I needed to stop viewing it as dieting and see it as living healthy. 

This shy is seriously eye opening and you can learn a lot. 

We, as Americans are OBSESSED with food, with dieting, with fad diets, and with being thin. However, we really should be more concerned with being healthy, with being at a healthy weight, and with eating the right foods and portions. 

In high school, they had this life management class and the teacher didnt even care about it. Things like this should be taught in school, especially because American teens are almost all over weight and naive as to why, how, or what is truly healthy. 

I have always had a very poor self image, I never let anyone know that and I will never admit it again but to be totally honest right now, I hated myself and my weight from age eight on. I had a perfectly skinny sister and brother and I was chubby and for the longest time short. I was picked on and I would punish myself starting at about ten, for wanting to eat and for being so big. Then I started working out every night in my room while everyone was asleep and I was still big..I was depressed and hated myself even more. Between 6th and 8th grade though I shot up 2 feet and maintained a constant weight just shifting in where the weight was at I guess. 

I went through a bit of a starvation period which only made me weak, depressed, and pathetic. I looked sickly not healthy and definitely not thin. 

Then I started weight lifting and really started investigating diets, healthy foods, calorie counts, and what I needed to be healthy and at a good weight. Which I was at until I was in my Junior year and started living all by myself and my family completely fell apart. Then I moved into my own apartment and started having migrains all the fucking time! It was horrible. Apparently, the apartment I moved into had black mold in the walls which I am very allergic to and because of that I was not myself. I would sleep all the time, I wouldnt eat some days because I literally slept the whole day away or spent it in the hospital, and when I would eat I would eat what two people would eat because I was literally starving! My weight roller coaster-ed that year, I was down to 140 at one point and then up to 230 and then back down to 200 and stayed at just around there for the next two years when I moved four times. From another apartment of my own ,to being on the road with my mom, to being at my sisters, to my friends house, to another friends house, to my sisters again, then my own, and then I was trying to get into the army and was down to 167lbs but was still turned away because of my arm. So, then being broken and alone and lost I went searching for love since Kevin and I hadnt spoken in months and was done with me at that point or so I thought. I found it and then lost it because of how dumb I am at times and how I see the best in people when there is nothing to be seen. 

So, I convinced myself I was in love with a man that clearly didnt love me but I was having his child and he was apparently what I deserved. I am a twisted chick. I stayed healthy while I was pregnant and worked out regularly even though I hated the situation I was in and hated where I had allowed my life to end up at but I didnt hate the baby growing inside of me and I was ready to be a mother. From the first time I saw her little heart beat. So, my body became a temple that I had to keep perfect for her. 

After I had her I loved my body, I was back in shape. Actually, I was in the best shape in my entire life because I was healthy. I ate food full of vitamins and made sure I was hydrated. Mainly because I was breast feeding but then again it was also because I was healthy. 

Then I started feeling depressed again, had a pregnancy scare, and decided to start taking birth control because I did not want to have another child with him. He never took care of Alyssa, proved every single day that he didnt want me around but I was trapped. Well, that was the worst choice I had ever made because I am the one in ten woman that cannot take birth control. My gull bladder started to fail and I didnt know what was going wrong with me. I gained almost 75 lbs in what seemed to be over night and I was in agonizing pain almost every day. I felt as though I couldnt breath almost every night to the point some nights I was in the floor trying to bawl my eyes out but couldnt because I couldnt breath. 

It was new years and I was rushed to the hospital by my mom because he thought I was faking the pain I was in and then got pissed because I was going to the hospital. I ended up having to have surgery immediately and one surgery turned into four that lasted all day. I had my liver cut into, my gull bladder cut out, a portion of my intestine cut out. 

After that, nothing was the same. 

I was trying to be me again but had 100 extra pounds weighing down on me, living in a home with someone that hated me being home, went back to work before I was suppose to just to get away, and no amount of working out or dieting mattered because I was in on new grounds. I cant eat many things that I use to, I was petrafied to work my abs, and my personal issues were also really weighing on me. He hated me being home but I was the only one cleaning, cooking, and taking care of everything including our daughter. 

We werent together anymore, we were just room mates that had a daughter together and he was in such denial it just pissed me off but again I was just trapped. 

And I kept myself trapped because I would convince myself that I had to be there, that I deserved how I was living, but Alyssa didnt. And my body was the truest victim of the bullshit I was putting it through. 

After I tore all of the ligaments in my foot, enough was enough. Alyssa didnt deserve how we were living or how we were being treated and neither did I. I was too heavy, I was too fed up, and I was done with punishing myself for making one mistake and trying to find the good in someone that thrived in not thriving at anything. I made myself suffer for four years for one wrong choice, and something finally made me snap. 

I am a powerful woman, I am a strong woman, and no one has ever known the inner workings of my personal struggles with weight or anything and I will never let that side of me make the rest of me so broken again. 

I finally started to lose the weight again, moved, reconnected with people that are truly good, and found my love again. 

I am only 20 lbs away from my goal weight and I will reach it before February. 

Damn I shared alot...thanks for reading 

CT Massacre

This world can be very cruel and cold. And when everyone asks how God could allow something like this to happen, it aggravates me to no end. God didn't cause this to happen, he didn't bring his wrath down upon that school because CT allows gay marriage (as the Westburo Baptist church is trying to claim), No higher power had anything to do with this horrible event. No. This was the work of man, of one man, and of a troubled mind. We all get so caught up with the politics of it but that is truly the bottom line. 

We are given free will and we choose as human beings to do right or wrong and our choices lead to our actions and our actions to consequences. 

My heart morns greatly for all of the families that were devastated by this horrid act. I cannot even begin to put myself into the shoes of those mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. The pain, the anger, the sadness  its all just so much. 

I cannot imagine my world without my daughter. And, to lose her that way? I would have to be locked up. The anger that would fill me would be catastrophic. I posted on facebook before I knew all the details that if the police had the shooter in custody, the death penalty or life in prison would never do justice to what he did. I said that he would have to endure 15 mins a piece with the parents of everyone that he killed, including the adults. They would deal with him however they saw fit, only rule being that he couldnt be killed because he didnt deserve the easy way out. 

I know its a spite filled comment but what he did was (in my opinion) well worth that form of punishment. 

However, then I found out that he killed himself just before the police got to him. Its just not fair. 

But-

That is this world. Things happen, good and bad. They are not always fair, Justice is sometimes never found, and people have to find closure other ways (if they find it at all). 

What is most disturbing to me is that after this happened, people immediately started questioning our rights as Americans to own guns. The guns this man used were not registered to him, they were registered to his mother (whom he also killed). Guns dont kill people, people kill people and guns are not the only weapons of choice. There is a picture that one of my friends posted on facebook that is more accurate of what I believe should happen, especially because budgets for police officers, fire fighters, and other safety individuals are being cut to save the rich so much money. 

Personally, I think the sign on the right would be more effective. 

One of the stories of true heroism is of one of the brave teachers that lost her life that day. She made all of her students hide in cabinets and completely out of site and when the gunman walked into her class she told him that she sent them all to the gym, he shot her, and left. She died protecting her kids and she saved all of their lives. 

The principle was also murdered, she apparently lunged herself at the gunman trying to take his weapon away to save those in the office and thats when she was hit. 

A janitor went running down the halls warning the other classrooms about the gunman and in all of the camotion some one turned on the intercom letting every class hear what was going on in the office, which then saved so many. 

People use to joke about metal detectors in schools but when its necessary its necessary. Schools of any kind, elementary all the way to college, are suppose to be safe places of learning and growing. 

Here in America, we generally dont have issues like this, they are far and few in between which is why it is so shocking. However, in other countries this is a normal occurance, women get attacked for wanting to learn in some places, bombs are dropped on schools on purpose in others, and then there are schools that are raided to kidnap children and turn them into soldiers for wars of men and greed. I morn for all them. I am thankful for the fact I am blessed to not have to endure things like that, and ashamed because there is nothing I can do to help them. 

Its twisted and it sucks but again its part of this world and in order to keep order, you have to not only focus on all of the ugly and the bad but try to see the good and the beautiful. 

Its hard at times like this but you have to in order to stay sane, to maintain hope, to stay driven and motivated. 

You can either focus on all the bad and the things you cannot change or you can live. Enjoy your life, be thankful for every moment, be thankful for what you are blessed with, for the people who bless you by being in your life, and remember that after every hurricane, after every thunderstorm there is a rainbow, there is always hope. Stay strong, stay driven, stay beautiful. 

Funeral Reality Show?? Really...

Ok...lets try this again.
I wrote earlier and for some reason it didnt take... =( 

Just read about a reality show that is going to be about "the best funerals"....gotta say it made me a bit sick. TLC, the network that brought us "Honey Boo Boo", "extreme couponers", and other reality crap is now going to launch a reality show based on out of the norm funerals, including parties that go on after the funerals. Now I am all for celebrating the dead but there is a line between honoring someone and losing all respect for the dead. Plastering the most personal and private moments, like a funeral on TV happens to be, in my book, crossing that line.
I, for one, will not be counted as one of its viewers. I will gladly admit to curving my morbid hunger sometimes indulging in some extreme couponing, horders, intervention, and yes teen mom, but I will not ever watch a reality show about a funeral. Its just disrespectful. I mean really, what kind of bad ju ju are you inviting into your home by indulging in that?
Plus, they will never be able to top the epyptians with their kick ass and over the top funerals (complete with pyramids and curses), so it really is just a waste of my time, brain power, and possibly having to smudge my house because of the disrespectful bullshit that might be occurring on that television. 

Another thing that really bothered me tonight...Meggings. Thats right, male leggings. WTF!! If you didnt not have that immediate response, please for the love of God, punch yourself in your own throat for the rest of us. Its hard enough seeing girls, any girl big, small, tall, or short..walk around in nothing but leggings and a semi long shirt that some how always rides up just enough to be flashing her camel toe to the rest of the world...I dont really want to walk into the mall, down the street, and heaven forbid walmart (where everything is amplified) and see some mans squished up package..or hanging package for that matter. Its not attractive. No a real man, like my man, wear jeans and slacks that fit properly and can hang a suit quite nicely. Hell, I have another man, who can even rock a kilt! But if I ever saw either one of them wearing Meggings, I would 1. Punch them immediately in the throat. 2. Ball check them, half to because they are in meggings..gotta make sure they are still there. 3. rip those bitches off of them, burn them right then and there, and force them to walk him either half naked or in their boxers because that is just not acceptable. Seriously guys, dont do it. I wont even wear leggings unless its cause I want to wear a skirt but its too cold outside and even then I usually end up changing my mind and wearing pants. Leggings are not acceptable for anyone. Seriously, they hide nothing, flatter nothing, and even manage to make tiny skinny women look flabby. 
I have no problem with guys wearing womens clothing, some of my closest friends are the most rocking drag queens you will ever meet, but for some reason this just urks me to my core..literally makes me sick. Like I will vomit on you if I see you wearing them and I will refuse to appologize too...Nope I will be like well you wore those out of your house what did you expect? To not get thrown up on by a complete stranger...should have planned a bit better....Then I would walk away. 

And now to what really matters to me =) My <3, my munchkin, and my pups. 

I am over joyed right now because I got to skype with my soldier tonight!! I know that wont happen much, infact I was preparing myself to not get to talk to him for months but this is a pleasant surprise! Seeing his face made me just light up and I could tell it brought a bit of happiness his way too. He barely just arrived but I can see the worry already wearing on his face and hopefully, by me keeping the good news coming from this side and the occasional skype calls itll make the next nine months a bit easier for him. Besides freezing his ass off I think hes doing okay though. I hope he is anyway. 

So, on a different note, my munchkin is having really bad leg cramps/growing pains and I know she gets enough potassium she takes vitamins every day and eats a shit ton of bananas (besides green beans and cereal thats her favorite food). What worries me is how much its hurting her. She is a rough and tumbly girl, she falls down, she gets right back up. She bumps her head, she just keeps playing, but theses leg cramps/growing pains...its so heart breaking to see her in such pain. I dont know what to do. Should I take her to the doctor? Will her doctor laugh in my face? Have you had to deal with these before? Has your children had really bad growing pains? Please comment below if you have any words of wisdom, home remedies, or know of a muscle cream or something that works.

Cant get to what I wanted to write about my pups, gotta go rub her legs some more, please comment below. Thanks 

realizing i have TOO much shit!!

I moved down here in July and had a minimal amount of things because I had so little space to move everything down with, just my dodge and a small trailer. I left a lot back in Arkansas, things mainly I knew I could live without and other things that I was really sad to let go of but at the same time you gotta do what you gotta do. Now I look around and feel like I still have too much shit! 

My bed is covered in cloths, half of which I can no longer fit in because they are all too big, and I have nick nacks and shit that I really dont need. We all have way more than we need, we live in excess and most people are so proud of it. I dont feel proud at all, infact I feel its a bit shameful. There are people out there that literally have nothing and need what most people take for granted. 

Im going to make sure before I move into my new house after christmas that I have gone through everything and gotten rid of everything I do not need. Less clutter, less bullshit, less to clean. 

In other news I got to speak with my <3 today!! 

I havent really spoken about him on here so let me give yall a brief bit of background. 

My <3 is a soldier and he is my high school sweetheart. We dated on and off all through high school and its been a grand total of eight years now that we have been friends, bf/gf on and off, and now we are finally together no more on and off stuff. We both had to grow up, learn from our own mistakes and realize what is really important to us and in our lives. Some how him and I always stayed in each others lives and Im very thankful for that. 

Picture of us below

Yes, hes black and yes Im white, who the fuck cares! 

In all honesty, I was very unaware of the fact I was white until I moved to hell otherwise known as Arkansas, where I was reminded of it every single day. 

I wasnt raised to look at someones color of skin as a signifier to their character. A persons character is built on their morals, ethics, and actions. Not their skin color. 

And a Nigger is someone who is ignorant, rude, uncouth, and has no real morals. It has nothing to do with ones skin tone. 

Him and I havent really had many problems with people being racist against us or our relationship but the problems we have had were very eye opening and kind of saddening. It is 2012! There is no person on this planet that isnt mixed in some way. No one is 100% this or that, and skin color really doesnt show ones heritage anymore. In some cases it does but in others it doesnt. 

Anyway, back to my brief introduction to my <3. 

He is a soldier and deployed the day before yesterday for nine months. =( 

That seriously blows. 

However, I am a very strong willed individual and have mass amounts of love for this amazing man so the time is nothing in comparison to the moments Ill get to spend with him when he gets back. That and I have wonderful memories, pictures, and random moments where Ill get to skype or IM him and that will tide me over till he gets back. 

I am very very proud of him for serving his country, I tried to but when I was four I broke my arm and the doctors placed the bone incorrectly so they said it was a liability to let me go to boot camp.  Bummer...

On to even more good news! I got a job!!! And my new business cards for my cosmetologist business are in the mail!! Heres to kicking ass and taking names while my <3 is away and giving him a reason to be proud of me =) 

Is this what I wasnt to do

I am very proud of all that I have accomplished but I am human and I also have things that I regret. My career choice has never really been something that I regret. I love what I do, from journalism to weightlifting to loss prevention to cosmetology. I love doing it all but is it truly what I want to do. If money played no part in the matter and there was nothing really holding me back but myself; what would I be doing? 

In my heart I know it would be writing. But now a days you cant just be a writer. You cant sit down like Herman Melvile and just chank out book after book. You cant be Stephan King with a demented mind and a quick witted tounge. Besides J.K. Rowling I dont know of a writer that has seriously hit it big by just sitting down to write without some kind of masters degree or some other bullshit in. Its all about who you know, what your status symbol is, and if you have the most fucked up story. I am not so vein that I would think that I am even remotely as fucked up as some other people out there who have actually had hard and fucked up lives. I know that I have been privileged and I am thankful for that.

Never the less I have decided to challenge myself to write a book. I havent decided yet if it will be fully about my life yet or if I will make it nonfiction but I will have my book written with in 2013 and somehow published by 2015. 

Falling asleep with her microphone =)

So my muchkin is all curled up next to me, watching Sherly Temples' Heidi, and is falling asleep with her toy microphone. I swear to goodness that was the best dollar I ever spent. People these days are so strung up on buying all of these expensive ass toys that just end up in being broken or barely played with because they are too expensive or to complicated to actually be played with and I spend one dollar on a dollar store microphone and my daughter hasnt put it down in two days. 

It really is the little things in life that smack you back into reality. I was so concerned about making sure that my daughter has a great Christmas this year and she just rocked my entire world. I dont have to buy her a tone of presents for her to be happy or spend a load of cash I dont have. I already knew that and have known that practically all my life but you just get caught up in everyone and everything else around you, its easy to lose sight of whats really important and what really matters. She is happiest when she is with me. I am happiest when I am with her. She is so content and so happy with a one dollar toy and my rich and picky nephews are even in envy over it when they have two rooms and an attic full of toys they care nothing about. 

Its like when you buy something really big and it comes in a big box. Sure sometimes you can be so preoccupied with whats inside the box and other times your brain immediately goes to how much freaking fun it would be or is to play in the box (screw whatever actually came in it). Its the little things in life we all must be thankful for. Especially during this time of year when everyone gets so crazy with the presents, the black friday shopping, and out doing the neighbors, family, friends, or the year before. I know I will out do last years christmas because I am happier this year. I feel more blessed and fortunate this year and I know that my daughter is a very very happy little girl. Hopefully we will be in our own place for Christmas but either way we will be two very happy, very blessed ladies. 

#SoInLove! 

Count your Blessings not your short comings

I feel so stupid sometimes. I haven't been on here to blog in a while because I thought my laptop was broken and refuse to log onto this from other computers because the last time that I did it didnt log me out and some jack ass decided to take the opportunity to blog for me. I quickly deleted it and thankfully no one saw it. Some people can be so damn rude. However, I am back and my laptop is somewhat functional so I needed to write. 

I am so happy to report that I finally received a job offer today! YAY!!! Three months and about a hundred applications and I actually have an offer of a full time job!!! Its not what I went to school for the last two years but thankfully I do have two free lance jobs in cosmetology also. One for a modeling company and one for a movie that is going to the Toronto film festival next year, so regardless of how it does I have some epic shit to put into my ever growing portfolio. Speaking of which if you are in the Florida area and would like me to be your cosmetologist, makeup artist, or over all stylist for your next big event, wedding, movie, or photo shoot my prices are fare. Please feel free to message me!! 

Anywho, I also am so happy on many other fronts right now. The only one I am seriously aggravated with is my current living situation. For some reason my sister and her husband can never stay happy for too long and I just dont put up with shit so we are getting into it just a bit. Its so aggravating!! Having to watch my back in my own sisters house. Having to make sure that my dogs and child dont step a single step out of line in anyway is exhausting. I have to make sure not so say the wrong thing or even put a dish in the wrong place. Even though I am the only one that cleans, cooks most nights, and makes sure the house is swept every day, I am still being yelled at and attacked at all angles and its so hard to speak my case to them who never do anything wrong. I get this is there house, trust me. I am not rude or insensitive to that fact. Its just if you are going to allow people to live with you and they do pay their portion and they do make sure the house is clean and that food is cooked, why bitch at them about every single one of your own short comings or plot to get them thrown out or their dogs sent to the pound or worse, killed? Its pathetic! I would never do that to someone I opened up my home to, especially when they are doing their part and they try their hardest to help you out with your stress level. Blaming everyone else never solved anyone's issues. 

Again however, I am so thankful for the blessings that keep coming my way. Awesome job hopefully, new place soon, cant wait for September, and looking forward to missing something on the 20th.....Ill explain later. 

Amanda Todd (RIP)

No, I didnt know the girl personally but I wish I had. 

She was so bullied and tormented for doing something that I know for a fact millions of girls have and its pathetic. 

Not but an hour ago did I read and find out about her suicide. 

She was so beautiful, she had so much light in her eyes, and no one--> NO ONE! Gave her a chance, dried her tears, or let her know she had the strength inside of her to stop all of this. 

Below is the link to her youtube video, clearly showing that was trying to reach out to the world. 

http://youtu.be/80RqEf56Ix4

Its stuff like this that really makes me fear for my daughter. To grow up in a world like this is such a scary thing. When I was younger I did stupid stuff like this, I posted pictures I shouldnt have, I talked to people I shouldnt have, I made mistakes. But, I was able to get past them without this amount of ridicule and I feel so sorry for her and in a weird way ashamed because I couldnt help her. I know she isnt the only girl out there that had done this and I know there are many young girls out there contemplating suicide because they face so much bullying. 

I was so lucky when I was younger. I was bullied but never to this degree. I was bullied but I some how found strength in myself to move past it and to shut up all the people talking shit. I wish I could have done that for her. 

I cannot believe that people would post that they hope she died, that they hoped she drank more bleach, that she needed to try a different brand! Thats fucked up!!! All she did was hook up with a guy that made her believe that he liked her, he knew what she had already gone through, and he still didnt stand up for her when his girlfriend pulled that shit. And the teachers just let her go and lay in the ditch? She shouldnt have had to press charges, the school should have. Amanda was ganged up on, on school property! That would have been a felony down here and Amanda could have received the counseling and love she was so desperate for. 

No girl should be put through this because she was niave and posted some pictures of her breasts. 

If I would have known her or her so called friends that just threw her to the side when the pics were then sent out to everyone, I would have stuck by her and told everyone the fuck off. They are boobs!! Get over it! I would have told her all those people were just jealous. Thats all hate is really. Jealousy. She was such a beautiful girl. 

There are now about a hundred RIP Amanda Todd pages now on facebook but I couldnt find hers. There are hundreds of videos posted on youtube now spreading support and kind words, using this poor girl as a statistic for campaignes against bullying. I found news reports and reaction videos but where was all of this when she was alive, when she first made that video, when she needed someone? 

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide please message me, Ive been through it. Ive cut before, Ive bled and cried. Ive been so low I couldnt see any kind of silver lining or glimer of hope. Ive been that girl all alone, Ive been the girl crying all alone in the bathroom because everyone hates you and you really dont deserve it. Ive been neglected, Ive been abused, Ive been torn down, made to feel like I didnt deserve better, Ive been the one with a bottle of pills and only one thought in my head "take the whole bottle, it will be all over." 

THERE IS A LIGHT, THERE IS A SILVER LINING, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY! 

I cut my wrists to dot my eyes before and I survived. I didnt know it yet but I had a much bigger purpose and all these people that do nothing but try and bring you down, are really the ones that are already down themselves. Misery loves company and if your beautiful, if your happy, if your loving, if you care, if you have peace in your heart, or light in your eyes these devils, these bitches, these haters are drawn to you like flies to a corpse. Because they want you to be their corpse. They want you to feel like that but the biggest weapon against them is for you to be happy, for you to live above them, follow your dreams, use your voice, guard yourself against hatred, live in love! Love life! Love the trees and the air, love the animals that bring you so much love  into your life, love every blessing that you have because if could always be worse, you could always have it worse. There are billions of other people on this planet, trust me someone has your story beat, someone has had it worse, someone has gone through what you have and you are NOT alone! 

I was so depressed when I was younger because I was alone, I was over weight, I was bullied, I was abused, but now I see all my blessings. I see all that I almost missed out on. I see the beauty that was granted into my life. And, now I see all of the people that use to bully me so harshly for my weight, for my bubbly personality, and what are they? They are lost, they are SERIOUSLY over weight, they are alone, and they were floored that I am who I am now. They didnt even recognize me, a bunch still dont. People that hated me in school, were so cruel to me in school, are now sending me friend requests and going on and on about how wonderful I look and I dont take a single word seriously. These are the same people that were so spiteful and cruel. So, Ill smile and Ill go on with my life and know that I made it through while they are still stuck in the shells of who they use to be. 

My point is you are not alone, you have a bigger purpose in life even though you dont know it right now. 

When I became a mom, I looked back at all my old writings, I looked back at all the stupid shit I once made myself believe, I looked into my daughters eyes and say myself sitting in the bathroom stitching myself up because I was too afraid to call 911 and let my mother, my sister, or my step dad know what I had just done. I could have died, but I woke up. In my blood I saw my future floating away. I dont know why everything clicked with me just then, maybe just my fight or flight response but I lived. I made a vow and I never looked back. I was stronger than that end and I was going to make something of myself. I have. 

And I was blessed with an amazing baby girl that has been a blessing every single moment since. She was my light, she was my silver lining, she was my purpose that I couldnt have seen back then. 

I couldnt have seen myself back then in the career I have now, I didnt know I would be where I am now, I didnt know all the places that I have gotten to go to, I just knew I was alone and bullied and then I just knew that I needed to let it all go. 

I know know that I am blessed, I know now that I had no right to be so depressed when so many have had it so much worse, like Amanda. 

When I see my awesome little one walking around in her play shoes and growing so much every day, I have to stop myself from crying. So much beauty has been bestowed upon me and I have so much peace in my heart now. You can too. Just hold on. Just take a deeper breath. Just let it go. Let the pain and the anger go. Let the fear and the frustration go. Your live is so precious, your life is but one, dont throw it away or think that it is done. You have more than you know, more strength, more love, more light. You can make it through this, you can stand your ground, you can be a voice worth being heard. After all you can be the change you want to see in this world. Never think that your less than, that your not good enough, that you deserve to be talked to like that, to be struck, to be beaten, to be broken, to be bullied. YouDONT! You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve peace. 

Blessed be the ones most broken. Blessed be the ones most lost. Blessed me the ones most noble, just, and kind. Blessed be the ones who read this. And Blessed be the ones who care. 

Michael Vick, 99 years isnt enough, and a bit about me

I haven't blogged in a bit. Needless to say, things have been a bit hectic. I was so excited when I wrote my last entry because that was suppose to be my graduation day but turns out, it was the next morning but at the same time it wasnt. I had my ceremony, mainly because my campus manager is awesome but I clocked my last 22 minutes this morning and can finally get my license possibly next week. In the mean time I have been job hunting like crazy and spending some quality time with my munchkin. I guess that counts as my mini vacation. 

I am still very proud of myself though, regardless of everything that happened, I can proudly say I am a graduate! I put forth the time, the effort, and the funds. I did more than the average student, graduated with honors, and wont stop. I went through school never questioning if what I was doing was what I was suppose to be doing and that is literally the first time in my life, that I haven't second guessed myself. 

Okay, to the first thing that I want to discuss that doesnt have shit to do with me but regardless, I am an American and I can have an opinion on anything and everything I want to, therefore, I will. And I am thankful to be able to do this. 

I cannot stand him to no end. He is a disgrace for his past actions and if I ever met anyone that hurt, tortured, and killed dogs like he did....I would probably taze them in the balls and then put him through a bit of his own torture methods. 

That being said however, he is human and humans always make mistakes but they have this magnificent gift or free will and learning from their past mistakes. No history doesn't always have to repeat itself and no animal should ever go through what he did to those dogs. But, he has served his time, he is trying to break the cycle with his kids by giving them a loving and happy relationship with animals, and I cant think of the word at the moment but telling him that even though he has done his time, paid his fines, got counselling, and is trying to better the future actions of his children that he still isnt allowed to have a dog seems wrong. 

I completely hate his past actions, Ild spit on him if I could, but he's trying to make amends for it and break the cycle. Below is the link,  http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/michael-vick-confirms-dog-now-part-family-145809006--nfl.html

Next, I want to discuss this case that at first from just reading the headline, I wanted to disagree with but after reading the facts, fuck that bitch. She deserves worse than 99 years in prison. Honestly, in prison she will have three hot meals a day, cable tv, free health care, the opportunity to get counselling, and get an education without having to get fucking loans! Its fucking pathetic that you can go to prison and have all of that open and available to you! She should have to sleep on a hard stone rock for the rest of her life so her back and ribs and be as fucked up as her daughters are from the beating that poor baby took, she should have to super glue her hands to the wall every day and then have them ripped off every night, just so she feels the way that, that baby felt. And at the end of it she should have her head bashed on a bit, just to feel the pain and suffering that her daughter endored and almost died from. 

If you are sent to prison you should be punished not babied. You didnt baby your victims, your didn't take care of their human rights, and if you wouldnt have been caught you never would have felt any bit of remorse. 

I wonder how badly the rest of her kids were beaten but she was never caught doing the shit until she almost killed this one. She has five, and even had another one born after all of this took place. http://news.yahoo.com/mom-gets-99-years-prison-gluing-tots-hands-160458042.html 

Because I just kept swimming

To look back and see

All of the things-

I once saw as obstacles 

scattered across my path,

To look back and realize,

they were just stepping stones 

Grains of sand-

in my shoe,

To look back, 

and see fully,

I am stronger than all of that!

To look back, 

all I see are bubbles!

-Because I just kept swimming!  

Today I reach my finish line,

to the beginning of the rest of my life,

Today I reach the start line,

to my over all goals and ambition,

Today I stroll down the red carpet,

with my head held high,

Today I commit

 the best of the seven deadly sins. 

Today I graduate! 

Completely full of PRIDE! 

Pride in myself,

Thanks for judging me.

Pride in my achievement, 

Why cant I boast,

Pride in my journey,

Because I just kept swimming,

Pride in my strength,

Still so much I cant comprehend,

Pride in my ability,

to which I had no clue,

Pride in you,

for helping me through,

Pride in my heart,

Because it always knew. 

Thankyou-

to all my haters,

for doing what you do best,

for showing me-

Im worth so much more,

than what you chose to see.

Thankyou-

to all my nay sayers,

to those asinine and pompous pricks,

to those lazy and depressed wastes of human flesh,

for telling me I cant, 

for trying to push your pessimistic bullshit on me,

for trying to weigh me down,

you gave me reason 

to prove you wrong!

You gave me chase,

to get the fuck away from you!

You gave me reason

to find my inner strength!

  

Truly thankyou,

to those blessed ones,

who never doubted,

never faltered,

never pushed a pessimistic thought,

thankyou -

to those who cared.

Thankyou-

 to my friends,

 my beyond true friends,

Thankyou-

my family to which they are-

my loves,

my lights,

leading me,

guiding me,

encouraging me,

inspiring me.

Thankyou to my munchkin,

my strongest and brightest

little light. 

You warmed my heart,

when it was cold,

you gave me chase

to run towards my dreams,

you blessed me,

you bless me, 

with every smile,

with ever laugh,

and even-

with every tear. 

You are my love,

my laughter,

my heart,

my soul, 

my dreams,

my inspiration,

my everything! 

Today I cross the finish line,

And today I cross the start line,

today I hold my head up full of pride 

and yet Im humbled by the thought. 

Today I graduate! 

Yes, 

Today I GRADUATE!!!!

All because I kept on swimming!  

Graduating!

Yesterday was my last day working in the salon as a student. I seriously cried, once I got into my car and was all by myself. It was a huge milestone. I have actually almost completed something all on my own and just for me. I am graduating on 9/25, thats only eight days away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three days in the salon, two days in the classroom, and one weekend and thats it. All I have to do is take my actual state board exam and my hiv/aids course(which is two hours online LOL) and I am freaking done!!!!!!!!!!

I have thought about going back for massage therapy, continuing my education and adding more licenses onto my already rocking cosmetology license. I am aiming for the moon and reaching the stars. Its fucking awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just have to find another school that I want to go to. I truly wish that Regency offered more than just cosmetology, I would never leave. LOL! 

On a different note I am fucking livid right now over something else entirely.

I will write more later when I have a cooler head. 

ants and my munchkin = (

Red ants are foul creatures for sure, and I have found an entirely new reason to dislike them. 
Monday, after around 3pm I received a call from my daughters school because her foot was severly swollen and she refused to walk, play, or do anything besides ask for me. It was heart breaking. That morning I noticed one little ant bite on her foot but it wasnt that bad. I just bandaged her up and dropped her off at school but apparently before the rain started pouring her class went outside to play where she was bitten four more times. 

Yup, these pics are the result of four freaking ant bites. 
And three days of bed rest. No school. No playing outside. No fun. 
It sucks not being able to really do anything to help her besides just be a good mom and give her her medicine (which tastes horrible). I bought her some awesome markers and a new coloring book which has basically kept her busy all day. I swear my beautiful baby is going to be an artist one day. If coloring was an Olympic sport she would be like Phelps for sure. 

If her foot isnt healed up by tomorrow I have to take her back to the hospital again and they will have to give her an IV of antibiotics and basically benedril on steroids.

So, my graduation has been pushed back to the 25th instead of the 21st but on a good note I passed my skills certification with a 98% and my final with a 92%! 

The effects of Racism

I am very proud to say that I grew up color blind. I didnt discriminate or judge any one based on the color of their skin, I was never even aware of how "white" I was until I moved to Arkansas. However, today was I think the most racism I have ever had to deal with. 

And just to clarify, racism isnt just "white people" hating on "black people", it comes in many forms but is always the result of flat out ignorance and stupidity. 

Friday, I booked a few appointments for a woman who wanted her and her daughters to get corn rows and sew-in extensions. Okay, no problem! In fact, I love doing corn rows and fought and fought to learn how to do them correctly and do design corn rows.  My first week in school I was begging my fellow classmates and educators to teach me that early and show me how they did it. I love to braid, its fun, creative, and there are so many different ways to braid that just when you think you know it all there is a new trend or style to learn and try out. And, extensions are pretty cool too. Being able to have that kind of freedom to change/alter your hair/style/texture/color/length without permenetly changing it, is pretty bad ass. 

Anyway, back to this load of bullshit. 

She called, scheduled the appointment, was great over the phone, and was excited about me doing her hair and then one of her daughters. Fast forward to today, I got into the salon early so I could set up and get everything ready. I was suppose to have three sets of corn rows and extensions to do! I was so excited and so ready to get started! No, they werent even close to being my first corn rows or my first extension applications but they were my first clients in the state of Florida and that is exciting for me.

So, I waited.....And waited....and waited.....

She was almost an hour late when she finally returned my phone call just to say that she was running late and that she would be cancelling all three of her appointments for her daughters. Which meant I would only be getting to do her hair and one other lady (whom flat out no showed me after making such a fuss about getting an ethnic student to do her hair). 

Again, on the phone she was nice, professional, and sounded still excited to get her hair done. That all changed however, when she walked into the salon and I was the one that checked her in. She started looking me up and down, her facial expressions were purely ones of distrust and discontent. I just tried to kill her with kindness and do my job with in the best professional manner that I possibly could. Asked her how her day was going and continued her client consultation. She said she wanted her hair braided going back down her head cause it would be easier on her hair (since it was already damaged from previous sew-ins that were clearly too tight/produced bald spots and broken hair.) Normally, for a sew-in, like the one she wanted, you would braid in a circular motion but whatever gotta please the customer. I did the corn rows how she asked and redid and redid them because she was trying to say that my corn rows were too loose but honestly if I would have braided her hair any tighter I would have been pulling her damn hair out of her head. So, what would normally take me about twenty-thirty minutes took me about an hour and a half. 

Then I started creating her thread barrier at the bottom where she had long spots I had to take up and sew closer to the head/inbetween the other braids. 1. So that all the tension wouldnt souly be on her hair, it would be on the thread as well, and 2. because its the best method to preventing breakage, slipage, and loosening braids. I was barely started when she starts questioning me what I am doing and telling me that her other stylist never does that and that I am just waisting time. Okay, thats evident because your the one with bald spots and broken hair right at your nape.....

After that I just started on her sew-in. She didnt like the way it was laying, how I was knotting the thread, she didnt want me to cut the tracks, and she stopped me after only three levels to tell me to go ahead an take the extension back out, unbraid her hair, and just flat iron it. That she would just get it done later. After all that work I did, tried and tried to please her, and did everything she asked me to do, she just wanted me to take it all out, not pay for anything that I had already done, and then just get a $9 service so that she said, "I could at least get credit for a service". I just went and got my salon floor manager. 

It wasnt that I did a poor job, pissed her off in anyway, or that I could have made her happy if I finished the service. She was discriminating towards me from the moment she actually saw my face. She even had the nerve to ask me before she even sat down at my station, "Now, are you sure you can work with ethnic hair?" 

Yes, I am highly trained at one of the best cosmetology schools in the nation and have strived to be able to do this exact service since I started school. So, nope cant work your ethnic hair apparently. My skin is just so bright that during that one lesson the only students in the classroom that were able to pay attention where the black "ethnic" students. 

Not only is it an insult to me when clients say things like that but its an insult to the school, its educators, and every single "ethnic" student in the school and in the Regency family as a whole. By saying that you believe only ethnic students can work on ethnic hair, you are also saying that those same ethnic students cant work on "white hair". Your saying that due to our skin color certain lessons in class we are ill-equip to understand, comprehend, and do. That when certain subjects come up the teacher is then only talking to the certain students that match the racist stereotype affiliated with that kind of hair design, service, or chemical service. 

This lady kept trying to tell my salon floor manager that she doesnt mind her head being used to teach or learn after my salon floor manager reminded her that she came to a school and even if she had went to a regular salon you cannot expect perfection, especially when you put such strict limitations and previsions to the service that you want rendered. 

I can honestly say that I was so pissed and offended, I refused to walk back out there. 

This was the third experience I have had in a week for racism towards me. The first was a woman, that again started out by calling the school and requesting an ethnic student but got me also started out very bitchy and judgmental but I rocked out with my marcel and gave her some curls that she was so shocked came out beautiful that again I was slightly offended because she was so shocked. The second was another lady that although she liked what I did to her hair she still refused to even take my card. It was a huge slap in the face. Her hair came out so beautiful, silky, soft, and exactly how she wanted it to but she just was ticked because she couldnt get an ethnic student to do her hair, and the third and worse was today. 

Luckily, today ended on a good note and I got to see an old friend from high school who is a real sweet heart and her ethnic hair came out beautifully. And her ethnic baby was adorable and loved me. 

Bottom line, the effects of racism are ignorance, more racism, and stupidity. I dont discriminate against you, please do simple assume because I am white that I cant do my job, that I cant comprehend the dynamics and design of ethnic hair, that due to my fair melanin in my skin I am incompetent in comparison. Racism is a disease of the mind. Its toxic to all it comes in contact with and it breaks down well rounded people. It infects even the most level minded person due to constant badgering and belittling. It breeds hate and distrust and I never thought that it would affect me so badly. 

I have no tolerance for ignorant people and no acceptance for bullshit like this.