Happy New Years and Welcome to my Double Rainbow

Happy New years to all!!! 

And, 

Welcome back (to me) to the writing world. I have admittedly been very absent the last part of this year from my blog. 

I was so broken, so lost, had the worst case of writers block, and honestly was completely tired of just sounding like a whiny, bitchy, complaint driven person. 

To sum up the past few months of my absence- 

I moved,

I changed jobs, 

I moved again, 

I lost almost all the love I had in my heart (honestly all that was left was for my daughter and my furbabies, everyone else either left me or gave me cause to say fuck it), 

I found my love again. 

So....

Here is to the future.

Speaking of which, 

I am engaged....To my kilt wearing rock star! 

I am moving to Colorado (literally a today made plan after a bunch of  bullshit thanks to my roommate/bestfriends ex -such a fuck head),

and I am so overcome with change and emotion I am not sure whether I want to cry or smile or both. 

I feel as though I just got my best friend back and her and I have always wanted to live together and one jerk gets to ruin it...Its so frustrating, 

at the same time I am excited because all of this means a new beginning with someone I should have been with for so many years. 

As I wrote on my facebook page, 

this year has been filled with joy, pain, passion, pleasure, change, good, bad, ugly, loss, excitement, and I wouldnt change it because it is the reason I am where I am today. I have learned my lessons, I have changed, I am not the same person I was on December 31st of 2013, and I will not be the same person I am now on December 31st of 2014. I wish the best for you all and I promise to indulge far more in my writing than I did last year. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to grow, to learn, to change, and to succeed. 

Thanks for being a part of my perplexing double rainbow. 

Im Broken

There are so many reasons that I could innumerate as to why I have begun to see myself as broken, but the end result is the same. I am. 

With all of the bullshit, pain, beauty, lust, love, loss, etc....I am always the same. 

I am broken. 

 I honestly cannot love anyone or anything beyond my daughter. 

Has my heart been broken beyond repair? 

Has my head just given up on this hope, this prayer, this idiocy of a thought of a happy ever after?

There are opportunities I should jump on but at the same time I question if my motives are pure or are my feelings real?

I am lost in this spinning fear of cyclonic craziness and broken ambition.

The ones I cared about, have left me high and fry. 

The ones I dreamed about, have been thoughtless and absent.

When I needed to be thoughtful, I've fallen and broken. 

When they needed me, there was always a reason that kept me busy.

I am lost. I am alone. I am broken. I cannot love. I cannot breathe. I fear a future of simply a career with no love. But I cannot love so....

It is as though my heart has been numbed, my eyes have been hazed over, my body desensitized.

Have I been so beaten down that there is no hope for my future or love?

Passion equals Pain

When I fully throw myself into something or commit to something (like a job or a goal) I become very passionate about whatever it is I am doing. I take ownership of that goal or job and all that ends up getting me, is pain. My passion and enthusiasm is misinterpreted and my heart gets broken in the end because either someone finds my spirit intimidating or overwhelming. No matter how hard I try to pull back or let out my enthusiasm and passion at a slow pace, it always ends up getting thrown right back into my face. 

It has been this way my entire life. 

I work my ass off and put forth all my effort into something (journalism, Operation Smile, Photography, Weightlifting, Work, etc) and the end result is always the same. I get squeezed out. 

I think the only reason I did so well in Cosmetology school was because when I felt like I was starting to get passionate about my work, I turned introvert and lost a bunch of friends. I stopped caring and did the bare minimum to pass. I still ended up graduating ahead of my class but that is what is the most upsetting about the situation. I passed by doing my bare minimum and still was truly ahead. If I would have continued to allow my passion to grow and flourish, where would I be now? Most likely answer, I would have been squeezed out and my heart would have broken again. In a perfect world I would be working for a great salon or Ild be a platform artist right now but instead, I havent done shit with my degree. And the saddest part is that I probably never will. 

I worked my ass off at Lowe's. I tried my hardest and let my passion and enthusiasm get the best of me. I didnt take no for an answer and told my heart that the sky was never the limit because just look at those stars. Well, we see where that left me. They were never happy or congratulatory of anything. It was never enough and I was beginning to loose myself in the midst of it. Maybe I should have conformed. Maybe I should have let it all go and been exactly what Lowe's wanted me to be. Maybe then I wouldnt be stressed the fuck out cause I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent this month but then again I would lose Alyssa and myself in that scenario. I never saw my own child. In truth, I would  probably end up dieing of a heart attack from the stress at my desk reviewing the same fucking transaction four times, on four different reports, to keep up with 3 different binders and one clip board, preventing actually no loss, and thoroughly missing the chance at an apprehension which is actually fully pointless because there is a $25 minimum to apprehensions, still have to call my boss to call the cops, and you have to hope to god there is a Manager in the store that can be a witness. It is all a bunch of chasing your' own tail while playing babysitter to a store bull of babysitters. 

Last night was by far the most upsetting though. I have been working at a night club for the past few months as my second job but its currently my only job. I have busted my ass for them, I have been passionate about their goals, and put my all into trying to make that place a success. Mainly because the manager is the best manager I have ever had. He is a truly great person, I love his family, and he has allowed me to put my passion and enthusiasm into the place. Now its a different story though. The owners, who have never sat down with me and had a conversation, and look at me like Im intruding whenever I walk into a room, have made my manager fully define my role. Since the beginning, I have been the go to girl for everything. I have been Johnny's right hand man. Need the liquor room inventoried and bottles brought to all the bars in the place; No problem. Need the female bathrooms cleaned cause someone puked everywhere; no problem. Need a lead security, vip concierge, administrative assistant, band/entertainment announcer/concierge, bar manager, cashier, or a combination of all; no problem. I have covered them all without complaint and have actually enjoyed it all. Last night however, I get told I am "just security" and that is what the owners want. I get told that maybe in the future I will be able to move up into these other positions that I have been doing but as of now...UGH!!! I couldnt fight the tears last night and I feel just completely defeated. Yes, I am great at security but I am not "just" security and when the owners asked me last week if that was my main title, I knew it was going down hill. It doesnt matter what Johnny has to say or what I have done or anything for that matter. I am "just" security. 

I hate being "just" anything. I am so much more. I have so much more to offer. 

I wish more than anything I had enough money to open my own club and prove them all wrong.

Actually, I wish more than anything that I could be "just" something, be happy an content with that, and be able to smooth my enthusiasm down so that my heart doesnt get broken every time I set my mind to something. 

Will I ever find my place in this world? Will I ever be needed? 

The only person in this world that needs my is my daughter and in a few years that wont even be so. 

I literally have no friends that need me anymore (I worked my ass off to much and lost my social life), I have no family that needs me, I have no job or career that truly needs me, I have no love that needs me (they all left, ran, or just turned their backs on me), I have nothing and no one and am starting to lose the one thing that has always kept me going. Hope. 

Aggravation, Stress, and Self Destruction

Another short and sweet update on my crazy beautiful and fucked up life. 

I was working two jobs and trying to squeeze in time for my munchkin. Then, all hell broke lose. My ceiling started flooding my house, a tooth that Ive been needing to get worked on finally literally put me to my knees (and no I still havent gotten it worked on), and my main job was just far to stressful. I completely reached my breaking point and resigned. All of the bullshit, all of the constant policy changes, all of the stress over preventing loss for a company that will not admit or equip people to deal with the true reason of loss...it all just wouldn't stop. It wouldn't  let up. It was too much and not worth the stress and heartache at the loss of time with my munchkin. She has become such an out of control kid. There is no excuse for that. 

I loved my career but I love my child more and that is the sacrifice and choice that a mother must make. And, I dont regret it. I will admit the stress of being able to pay all my bills this month has seriously got me freaking out. However, I am trying to stay positive. Applications at a million and a half other places and if I wasnt feeling like complete shit tonight I would be working at my second/only current job. 

I do have an offer to work as a personal assistant but at the same time I probably would lose the valuable time with my munchkin too.....

So..

Options....Options....Options....

Go back to college..

Actually use my cosmetology stuff...

I am going to rest up tonight and then go and check in with a few colleges tomorrow...

Maybe check into armed guard positions...

Update my licenses....

Apply to a million and one more jobs...

OH! And in my self destructive ways...I took $40 of my last pay check and got a tattoo...

A friend did it. Its easily a $300 or more tattoo..not even finished with the shading and color but its pretty bad ass!!! Pic Below!!!!

Two jobs and a toddler

To sum up the last three months in a nutshell because I haven't had a chance to sit and write for a single moment...

I moved...again. 

Work has been going alright..

Got a second job...

Immediately got a promotion at second job...

Went to Arkansas for a funeral and was sick the entire fucking time, so didn't get to see any of my friends or my kilt wearing rock star =( 

(And those are not specifically in order)

Now to go into specifics. 

I was working really well at Lowe's or at least I thought I was and then reality smacked me in the face when I got a new mentor and he showed me all of the daily and weekly tasks that have been expected of me and were not getting done. Not to mention my inventory might be fucked because my outside lawn and garden area might be fucked shrink wise because people didn't do their jobs before I even started working there. 

Then I went to Arkansas for a funeral and ended up having a fever that would break then come back over and over again for five days. I ended up missing every single chance to see any of my friends...

Then, I got back home to an eviction notice for my dogs, misuse of the gate pass, and my asshole neighbors pissed off at my step dad because honestly he has no regard for many people that are around him in many situations. He is a great man, he was my dad when my dad wasnt even thinking of me or my sister, and he has been there for me when I really and truly needed it, however he is also a very selfish and thoughtless man. He does everything that I wouldn't put up with from my own man and yet because he is my dad he keeps getting these passes..and its about to stop. 

For months he has helped me with Alyssa and I greatly appreciate it but at the same time it wasnt for nothing. I had to pay him the same I would pay a day care center, I provided all the food, entertainment(cable, internet, etc), and when he had no roof over his head he had my spare room rent free (and still got paid). Now that I am strapped for cash and moved into a duplex with one less room....he is no where to be found. And, actually my mom was in town for a week helping me find a new place while I worked both jobs and took care of my munchkin, they hooked up then he disappeared for three days to be with his sue-do girlfriend who he cant stand and use to stay at my house for days on end to get away from her...but I digress...we moved and he is no where to be found. 

So, now I am struggling to find a new daycare for my munchkin who I barely get to see because I am working all day at Lowe's and then all night at Silverado night club. I get maybe four hours of sleep each night and then maybe two hours with Alyssa a day, I keep calling in favors with friends to watch her and only ones that I truly trust. That is my life at the moment, two jobs and a toddler (not to mention the two dogs and turtle). 

Watching Kids movies and realizing which characters die, have sex, etc

Let me begin by stating that I feel like total crap. My nose is all red like rudolph, I sound absolutely horrible, and my eyes will not stop watering! Getting sick sucks, but getting sick because you crashed taking care of your child who has a cold, sucks in multiple ways. 

First off, you get sick, which as I already stated...sucks. And to make matters worse, you kinda get pissed that you get sick. Which, sucks much worse because then does that make you a bad person for getting pissed off you got sick? I am not pissed off at my child, she cant help that she got sick, let alone that she got me sick. But, pissed in general. And, slightly pissed off at the parents of the child who got your' child sick in the first place because instead of being the responsible adult and keeping their sick kid in bed or at least at home until they were not contagious...they still went out to a function with their sick kid and got other people sick...Infuriating. 

On the the reason I wanted to write in the first place. Over the last few days I have seriously noticed in certain childrens movies, that key characters where either subliminally having sex, were killed off, or just other shit that only an adult would notice but subliminally fucks us up as kids. I mean, hell, I remember making my Barbies act like mommy's and Daddy's (i.e. have sex) when I was like seven...Why because in the little mermaid, Aladin, etc the topic was very vivid subliminally. I was fortunate enough to never catch my parents having sex and sex is not a ad thing, do not get me wrong, but some cartoons (especially now a days) really push the damn issue to far. 

I mean, if you look at a photo of 7th graders back when I was in 7th grade (which was only ten years ago) and photos of 7th graders now...FUCK..Our society is being driven by sex...when it should just be a natural and normal thing. It is instead crammed into our brains as taboo and tempting. 

Take the human form for example, a woman body is/can be absolutely beautiful, but instead its just portrayed as a sexual object. I would much rather be seen as a beautiful creation than a fuck doll/toy. And a man body is/can be a great monument to strength and great craftsmanship but instead is dirty, grimy, taboo, and a sexual toy. I would much rather see the strength in a mans form than see him as my toy...he's not a toy..can be but that also means that he is disposable and Im getting really fucking sick and tired of 1. being disposable and 2. men being disposable to me. I want fever and ever lasting. 

Writers block

I am dealing with the worst case of writers block imaginable. It isnt that I have nothing to say, nothing to write, nothing worthy of this page. It is that I have to much to choose from. So, I am blocked.......

Do I write about my daughter and her crazy case of the terrific threes? I dont know if it is because she really did miss the terrible twos but jeez, literally ever since she turned three it is like I am dealing with an entirely different child some times. I use to be able to reason with her, I didn't have to yell, she has always been a well mannered child....But now......

Her favorite word is no. She will only do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She refuses to stay in the cloths you dress her in, and actually you cannot dress her "shes gonna do it", she wont eat her dinner in full....the list goes on.....

Do I write about my dogs that I desperately need to have fixed but cant seem to get any fucking vet to call me back.

Do I write about my nonexistant love life. How Kevin just flat out broke my heart and now acts as though none of that happened....How what I want I still cant have and although I have plenty of options, my heart just continues to stay dormant it seems. Like I cant go one way or the other because its so sick and tired of being broken......Ugh

I have a much longer list but for now..I am just going to watch some Lord of the Rings, nerd out a bit, do my 30 day squat challenge, shower, and then bed. 

Short Story Challenge

Short Story Challenge: Begin A short story with the sentence, "When the phone rang at midnight, I knew" and end the short story with the sentence, "I should have trusted my instincts." 

Well here goes nothing........

When the phone rang at midnight, I knew. 

I knew it was him calling me once again. Never failed, it was like he had an Ami happiness radar and when ever I was truly beginning to feel happiness due to some one elses love, he would be able to tell and jump right in and steal it away. No one else could have me. No one else could love me. And, I was hopelessly and stupidly hooked to his charm and wit. 

Fuck this heart of mine, it has to be retarded by now. Being broken so many times must have done some serious damage to it. Because once again, that phone rang, and it lept. 

"Ami?"

"Dereck?"
"Are you awake?"

"Well, now I am. What's up? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking about you. It's been forever since we have talked."

"Yeah........I know."
"You're not still mad at me are you?"

(Long Pause) 

"Ami, come on don't you love me? You cant stay mad at me forever."

And, he was right no matter how many times he fucked up, how many times he broke my heart, or let me down. I for some reason could not stay mad at him. He was my Kriptonite. 

"Dereck, you really hurt me."
-Interupts-

"Ami, that is all in the past. I am going to be in town tomorrow. I'll pick you up at 8."

-Click-

"Dereck? Hello?"

Against my better judgement I got all dolled up and ready for him that next night. Feeling like an idiot the entire time. What was his plan? To pick me up and then take me out to dinner with his buddies again? Or, does he have something else planned, something more sinister than last time. Does he want to make me pay again for embarrassing him, for calling him out infront of his family and friends last spring about the girl whom he fucked behind my back.  

Just as I was checking my hair for the tenth time just to keep myself from pacing the apartment, the door bell rang. 

And there standing at my door was the man that I once loved with all my heart. There was the man that broke my heart on so many occasions, I couldn't possibly innumerate them. There standing like a king among men was the man that I couldn't say no to. 

There standing, was a dead man walking and he had no idea what was in store for him. 

Maybe I should have warned him, maybe he shouldn't have hung up on me, maybe I should have resolved my issues like a normal human being. But then again, maybe he shouldn't have rufied my drink the last time we saw each other. Maybe he should have stopped his friends from doing all of the things that they did to me, in that cold, dark, damp bar that he just left me in. 

Maybe, I should have just let the answering machine get that call last night but my shot gun told me to answer. 

So, there laying in the hall way, was the guy that I should have trusted my instincts on.

Wisdom teeth

For anyone that says that a tooth ache isnt much, bitch you have never lived then! OMG!! That hurt and has hurt so bad for the last week. I had a wisdom tooth that was impacted and I swear to you it was literally the worst throbbing pain of my life. 

I could easily compare that to child birth. As in, child birth doesnt have shit on that horrible throbbing pain. It was crippling. 

So, I finally found a dentist and at first I was completely heart broken because they sent me to another location but now I am SO freaking happy they did. That dentist was great! 

They took care of me immediately and put me to sleep for the surgery. Which was also great, I didnt feel a thing but it was a very weird state of conciousness. I remember everything...Like everything. Nothing was painful though because on top of putting out (ish) they numbed up everything. 

Oh, and they even played my favorite band for me during the procedure. ARANDA!

So my loratab is starting to kick in Ill write more when Im not like passing out =) 

Faded

In reflection of my past, 

I have realized quite a few things. 

1. Even though I am a very strong person mentally, emotionally, and physically...some how I was twisted  and changed, faded into a person that I didnt like and didnt want to be. I became a faded representation of myself two better someone else. Someone who didnt even want my help, come to find out. I became trapped into a world of bullshit and I was almost like a 2nd class citizen in my own house. And it was all because I allowed it to happen...why?

2. I am one resilient and determined individual! When I realized that I had faded into this shadow of a person, I got back on my feet. I got up and worked my ass off to get back to reality and to be better than I once was. I am not claiming that I am perfect now, there is always room more improvement, but I am MUCH better than I was. Even in the face of death, losing myself entirely, a life of regret and devistation, I pushed through and tried. 

Most people cannot say that. 

Most people never even live. They one exist. 

I want to live. I want to grow. I want to experience all that life has to offer and leave this world a better place than when I finally woke the hell up and most of all, I want my daughter to never have to struggle on whether to live or not. I never want to see that she is only existing. 

So, I dont care what I have to do, I am going to make sure she gets to go to Disney world, we travel together out of the country, she goes to schools for the gifted and talented (because she is and I was never able to take that opportunity), and my wall of pictures spans the whole house. Memories arnt meant to be locked into a book or box. Let them out and let others see the light that is residing inside of you! Some will try to put it out but always remember the only reason they do that is because their light was taken away, they are jealous of the spark you have inside of you and the only way to stop the haters is to let that spark catch a flame, a passion, that spreads like a wild fire! 

Make a conscious effort to say that the cup is half full, and eventually you will be happy. Eventually, you will see the light again. Eventually, you will be free! 

That is my thought for the day! Hope you enjoyed. 

Quitting time!

Just at that point in my day where I am ready to go home and hang out with my munchkin. I love my job and I love what I do but riding my bike in this morning and the mountain of paperwork and training ecourses I had to do just have me ready to go! I want to get out of these boots, into some shorts, and enjoy the sun while its still in the sky. 

Thankfully tomorrow is my catch up day/day I get to clock out at an early ish time so I can pay my bills and still have some sunlight to soak in. 

On other notes, my life is going great and only a few things could make me happier than I am right now but all in all I cannot complain. My kilt wearing rock star is being such an amazing friends and keeps my spirits up no matter what...I swear he is my rock. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. 

My soldier is....well I guess he's doing alright. Some days I can tell when he is just worn out from all the shit he has to put up with over there and others I feel like I am the reason he is stressed. I know I get too passionate at times and can over do it but I generally dont mean to. He just received the care package I sent over and it seriously warmed my heart to know that he liked everything in there. 

He was being a smart ass and told me to send him a motorcycle and baby knee caps...well it wasnt halloween so I couldnt find the baby knee caps but I did send him a motorcycle...infact I sent him I think 4. One that had spiderman, 2 that were just bad ass, and 2 hot wheels varieties. He told me that he left them on his bed and when he came back his sargent and another guy were laying on the floor, playing with them, making vroom vroom noises....The little things I swear..

We take so much for granted. 

Anyway..my munchkin is growing so fast and surprises me every single day with what she knows, what she has learned, and how much of a little diva she it. I swear that girl is destined for greatness. Screw being an actress, she is going to be a congresswoman, senator, or president one day. The sky is not the top for her. And its not for me either. 

I have made a few goals and I will achieve them! 

More later...

Just some thoughts

So apparently this damn thing doesnt want to work correctly, so my set up is going to be all fucked up.

Isn't that just lovely. Ugh......

Anyway, I wanted to just take a moment for myself and jot down a few things that are running through my brain right now and slightly interfering with my work. I truly hate it when I cant drop a thought and pick it back up later, especially when I have something far more pressing to deal with.  

I have been very, I guess, aggitated the last few weeks because I throw myself back into some friendships and they just proved over and over again that I meant absolutely nothing to them and can be forgotten about so easily. Not even just friendships. What suppose to be a best friends, a sister at heart, and then a totally different subject all together. Its so....heart breaking and straight up pisses me off. 

Do NOT expect me to make you a priority or feel bad when I don't after you prove over and over again that I am meaningless to you or that other far less honorable people can take up all your' time and devotion. Its just wrong. 

Also, when you fuck up, dont try to make me feel like the guilty party. I am not the one that continues to flake on you, and I am not the one trying to give you bad advice on purpose because of alterior motives....what the fuck is wrong with people these days. 

I think it is time for me to make all new friends and move on. There are a few that I will keep, like my kilt wearing rock star, but others I will have to walk away from.... All I want to do is shout from the roof tops its not me its you...yes and get that petty with it but instead I guess I will just have to allow things to keep going as they are and keep getting ignored and flaked on/stop trying to communicate when clearly they dont want to communicate with me. 

I am moving forward with my life in so many ways and for once I am truly happy about it. My job is amazing. I actually feel proud of what I do and am striving to do the best. I want to move up in this company. I want to be the best in the biz. I want to grow and thrive. And, for once in my entire life I feel like I can. Dont get me wrong I still want to do the cosmetology things but at the same time I can thrive here and make such a good living, make such a good home for Alyssa, and give her the things that I never had. Every parent on the planet has said that. They want to give their children what they never had. Its because that mind set is drilled into our skulls from the time we can talk but I am gladly going with the flow on this one. Alyssa will have a good childhood. I am going to allow her to have a true childhood. I am going to make sure she still learns the value of a dollar and the pride that goes into an honest days work and getting your' chores done but she will also know what it means to really have fun as a child. She will always know that she is beautiful. And she will learn the importance and appreciation that comes from being in sports and staying active and healthy. 

Also, I'm going to stop the whole bullshit about the importance of having both the parents there. I would much rather her be in a stable, happy, healthy environment than be in one that is built on lies and constant fighting or bullshit because someone either forgets to take their meds or just refuses to take them. I swear to God, that is beyond the dumbest thing that I have ever had to endure. You know that you are on the meds for a reason, its a obvious change in a positive way when you are on them, why in the hell would you try to take yourself off of them or think its okay not to take them. Some people just have hormone imbalances in their brain and the only choice is medication....take it and stay a productive member of society or dont and have a horrible shell of a life...your' choice. I just will not allow my daughter to be a part of it. Simple as that. 

It is really a sad thing to find out that four years of your life was literally wasted on a person that never wanted  you there to begin with but the funny thing is, I not only dont love him anymore. I dont hate him anymore either.

With everything the way its been going, the house, the job, my munchkin, the opportunities presenting themselves to me and me gladly reaching out and grabbing them, and the amazing man I do have in my life, the wonderful kilt wearing rockstar that is and always will be like my rock and vice versa, I have absolutely no reason to hold onto regret, remorse, or any what if situation. Time is showing that everything has happened for a reason and I had to go through everything I have to get to this point right here and this point right here is pretty bad ass!! 

I am down to 5 lbs below my goal weight and continuing to tone up, the conference last week was THE BOMB!, my man sent me Russian chocolates from over seas for Valentines day, and even though its freezing right now I am going to happily ride this bike home tonight because it adds to my toning work out. I think if I say that enough times I will actually make myself believe it. 

Well, break time over...back to work and then home. YIPPY! 

Hope you enjoyed my thoughts for the moment, now I can focus!! 

Tampa !!!!! LOwes!!!!! Amazing!!!!!!!

Its been SO long since I have been able to write and boy do I have alot to update about. 

First and foremost, I am finally into my own place!!! And, some how I was very blessed that I literally just get to walk right down the street to my work. Which, is perfect because my dodge threw a rod the day I was moving into my new place. I am not going to get into the whole reason about how or why my truck is fucked up but its fucked up.

I am working on getting it fixed but shit, they want me to ship it up to Arkansas to get it fixed which would be about $2300 just to ship it not including whatever my warranty wont cover. 

In the mean time that would then still leave me without a vehical and then without all of my savings. So, instead I am going to buy a second car within the next few weeks. I was already approved to get a really nice brand new car, just waiting to replenish some of my savings so, I dont kill myself trying to work out both. 

I dont have much I can bitch about and I really am not even going to try. Im still doing wonderfully keeping the weight off and losing the last ten pounds I want to lose...well I see it happening by my birthday and toning up is going great too. What is helping me in this endeavor is my awesome new bike I got on sale. I use to bike all the time when I was younger and no it didnt help me much then but I wasnt really pushing myself back then, I was just riding for fun and I was being weak. Now I can bike to work every day if I want to, carrying a heavy book bag on purpose, and yoga/running the stairs every single day. My legs are getting into great shape! 

Right now I am sitting in this kick ass room, literally bad ass! It has its own livingroom, spare bedroom, patio, and full kitchen. My amazing company put me up in the master suite for this conference. I looked at the price list and this room is $500 a night!!! Holy shit!! I would never pay that much for a hotel room. Unless I had a big group or won the lotto or something but shit just or me....Im spoiled =) 

In all actuality all it makes me want to do is work harder because I want to be worth this. I want to show I am worth this. I want to earn this. I am not like alot of people out there with their hands out expecting shit like this to always be handed to them. I dont. You earn the things you are given. You earn your keep. And, I intend on earning my keep. 

I will write more tomorrow. 

So exhausted from the meetings today.