About to hit the hay

About to hit the hay and I must say, today has gone fairly well. I found out today that many, many people actually care about me and are sending me their well wishes and good karma. Do I deserve it? I really dont know anymore but I am very, very thankful for it and hope that is continues on this month. 

I havent written it on here yet but my main wish for christmas this year is for my daughter to have a great holiday experience. Now, being a pagan and having different beliefs I will never be that much into Christmas. Hell, growing up was really weird with Christmas. Every other year we would attend Catholic mass with my mother and then on the opposite years we would celebrate like every other greedy american would. Somewhere in my teens, my step dad finally started adding those pagan holidays in there and him and my mom would let me go to an after christmas powwow. Alyssa, well when she gets older then she will have the opportunity to change and hell by then all of our customs may have changed. But as a child, as a toddler, I want her to have a blasty blast. No worries, not a care besides how to rip that damn paper off the fastest. 

I feel much better, much-much better after talking to my amazing friends, how I have missed you all so much. Even the ones that never really went anywhere. Lately I have been feeling like Im standing in a crowded room and not one person notices that I am screaming at the top of my lungs and  clawing my eyes out. Now, I feel so much better.

Only makes me fee slightly crazy, =) 

Lost

I am seriously behind the curve. I am now on my second episode of Lost and guess what, I am lost LOL! 

Well not entirely but watching a series that everyone and their brother has already watched is really hard to do. I've heard that it ends in a total bs way, that its all a dream, which would explain a few things already. But, I have also heard that it has to do with Aliens, so I really have no idea what to think at this point. It is a good show but personally I am a Dexter kind of girl. 

Dexter, I cannot miss every week and you bet your ass that I dvr that stuff. Which is killing me right now cause I passed out last night and missed the new episode. It is recorded but something is wrong with the cable and although the internet is working the cable isnt. Thats what I get for buying diapers instead of paying on bills. You bet your ass I will make that choice every single damn time though. 

People these days have their values fucked up! Seriously! Like people that have to have cigaretts but cant buy their baby dinner. People that have to have weed but can barely pay their rent. People that have to play freaking video games all damn day so they cant pay their bills or feed their kids. Yeah, all of their values need to be fixed. Rearranged and prioritized the right way. America the selfish, America the proud, America the greedy, America the Brave. We are bullies with beer guts and Iphones. 

SO EXCITED!!!!

IM SO EXCITED!!!! AND I JUST CANT HIDE IT!!!!

FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS!

I just got a call to go back to work at my old store! 

You all have no idea how much this means to me, how much my little family needed it. I pray to god that this new manager likes me just as much as the old one did and I get the job. I so seriously need it! 

You might snicker at me getting so excited about a job in the mall probably making minimum wage but this is life saving to me. To my small family. I was dumb when I was middle class and could buy or pay for anything I wanted. I should have saved all that money for a time like now when we are barely surviving. 

Until you know what that feels like you cannot judge me. It is a blessing to have a job in this economy, it is a blessing to be able to afford your bills even if after paying those bills you are broke. I was naive just a few months ago. With a high paying job and a great title. I was so dumb and so careless. 

Now I clip coupons for my food stamps and I have no shame in it. There is no shame in it. Last time I bought groceries I saved eighty six dollars from coupons and still used almost all my foodstamps for that month. I find no shame is getting help from the government, when you truly need it. I truly need it right now and if for nothing else, my daughter. I would use every single dime of it on her. Once I am back on my feet Ill stop asking for the assistance and maybe if I got this job back I wont have to have it. 

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, and if I get this job it maybe a small one but it is huge in my eyes. Its taking everything to not cry my eyes out right now in happiness and hope. 

The Worst feeling in the World

The worst feeling in the world is when your daughter is crying for her "Dada" but he refuses to get out of bed. She doesnt want anything else and you cannot do anything about it. Its not only the worst feeling in the world, it is also the most enraging thing in the world. I cannot stand to hear her cry, let alone cry over him. 

How dare he! He can hear her cry and yet he does not move. To say that I made a mistake about him is an understatement. I love him but I hate him. I care about him but I wish harm on him for what he does to this family. 

Let me state this too, I realize that at times I am a bitch, that I am harsh, I speak my mind when I should be quiet, I stand firm when sometimes I should compromise but I at least try. I at least give a damn and its not like I am asking to much of anyone. All I ask of anyone is that they do what they ask of me. You want me to provide for this family, clean, cook, and be happy then you must do it to. You must cook and clean when you are not working and when you arnt cleaning, cooking, or  taking care of this family in some way then you need to be working! I dont even require a great high paying job, shit go work at a damn fast food restaurant and I would be happy. It would at least help with the bills. 

Winter Weather

Lets talk about winter weather. In Arkansas...

Personally, I wish it would hurry up and get here and then hurry up and leave. I am not a fan of fall. Being from Florida, I am very use to only having two seasons. Summer and Spring with maybe only one or two days of winter. 

Now this crap in Arkansas is pathetic. Freezing one minute, to hot to handle the next, and then its half snowing. Its too cold to do anything outside right now but not cold enough to actually give us some snow, I hate it! 

I would much rather be in Florida where the sun shines, it rains at four every day during the summer, and you can count on your sense of fashion and hair. My hair is perfect in Florida I cannot do a damn thing with it here. 

Side note, I am super excited about school starting on the 5th. It is something I have wanted to do for a very long time, and hopefully its something I can really excel at. Cosmetology is more than just doing someones hair, its living art. You have to be a psychologist, an artist, a sculptor, a scientist, and a chemist. I really hope my creative nature just takes over and I learn as much as possible. I want this career, and by excelling at this career I can go back to school for my other dreams and ambitions. Maybe even for journalism and photography, that would be amazing. 

Sorry for getting off topic but being trapped in this house while the weather sucks, makes me dream of more.

Hates that feeling

I hate that feeling you get when you seriously feel like you have to cry but physically cant. I was starting to feel better after

 talking to some wonderful friends, that thank god are better than I am. They are willing to come back into my life and stay, they never gave up on me, and they are (as I said) wonderful.

Then with two words, I get torn back down. I cannot wait to get out of this hell. 

Ya know what, I have never been this open with anyone or anything. I can't open up to people. Listening and being other peoples confidont, that I can do. Everything else, for get it. I fear being open with people. No one can ever know what is really going on in my mind. 

For a while my blog on myspace was really open and honest but then myspace became lame and swarming with viruses. I cant even log in to save my old posts, and I had some wonderful poems on there. Oh well, my creativity never sleeps, which is probably why I am insomniatic person who normally wakes up really early in the morning. With random weird thoughts. 

How I know I am messed up

This is how I know I am messed up in the head, 

I have been sitting here thinking of friends I have lost since I moved up here and since I got with Cody.

 I dont even mean like I lost them to God or anything like that, I mean I lost them cause I am a fucked up individual. I screw myself over by pushing people away that would actually help my life out and be good influences and stick around with other people, like Cody who only wish to hinder it. 

Dont get me wrong there are wonderful things about Cody but thats only when he wants to be wonderful and that is a very rare occurrence. Normally he just wants to find things he knows will upset you and let them loose, or use them specifically against you. He hates me, I know he does but instead of being the one to break it off he just picks and picks at me making me look like the bitch in everyone elses eyes. Which I already know I am cause I let people go out of my life that were wonderful. Truly wonderful. All the time. They loved me regardless of the fact I am a fucked up person. 

Why do I do this to myself? I let the good go and keep the bad. Do I want to make myself suffer? 

Obese child taken from family?

REALLY!!?? Wow, an obese child was taken from his family and placed into foster care, after his mother tired to seek help for one of his health problems. I just read about it on yahoo, and what was my first response? Oh my god! 

I couldn't imagine my daughter being taken from me for being overweight but I would never let her get that heavy. I was that heavy and I hated life as a child. It wasn't my mothers fault, in fact because of her and my step dad I started weightlifting and getting into shape. I was devastated when I was younger and comments were made about my weight, and seeing some kids today just makes me even more fearful of that happening to my daughter. She already shows great athletic ability though, so at least I have a plan to hinder the family curse. 

But, seriously shit! People need to start caring about their children's weight! There is a huge line that cuts right across the barrier of just having some baby fat and being completely overweight and obese, and you cannot look at your child and not notice it. 

There is a girl in my family that I worry about all the time. She is seriously over weight and headed for some serious problems, hell she already has serious problems but everyone just turns a blind eye to it. They know what the doctors are saying but do they stick to a diet or make her work out? Nope, they just let her go on eating whatever the hell she wants to and sit watching t.v. I will admit she is an active girl and I see so much promise in her but not while she is being told it is okay to get seconds, thirds, some of mommas plate, dessert, and go to bed. 

I know that my daughter already has a predisposition to be over weight, she is getting it from both sides of this family but she also has athletic ability from both sides and you bet your ass I get on my hands  and knees every single day and play with her till we are both swetty and ready for a break. I know that there are some more things that I could do food wise for her but for now I mainly focus on not giving her too many sweets, no soda, and I cook almost every night so that its healthier for her.  When she gets older I will work my ass off to make sure she is in multiple sports and learns how to eat correctly, and I dont mean like when she is in her teens. I am talking about when she is about four or five. Start out healthy young, hopefully stay healthy the rest of her life. 

I know that pushing it to hard on her could make her have a complex or eating disorder so I am not going to stress her about it to the max but it will be a part of our family discussions and life fame plan. 

I do not want my child taken away from me for anything, especially cause I was a jackass and didnt make sure she was healthy. 

More things that freak me out....

6 am why arnt I sleeping

Its six a.m and I am totally awake. I tried to go back to sleep, lay here in the dark bliss of my room and listen to by little munchkin sleep. Which, is very calming to me. I don't know about you but when my daughter was a new born I couldn't lay her in her crib. I was so freaked out about S.I.D.S that it literally made me shake. I know there are dangers to Co-sleeping but my fear of S.I.D.S far surpasses that. Plus, I use the same rule you would use with a new borns crib, no big pillows or huge fluffy blankets, no stuffed animals, and make sure the sheet is a nice tight cotton. 

She doesn't always co-sleep with me now that she is a toddler but when she was a newborn and I was breast feeding, it was so much easier and safer(in my mind) to just prop her up next to me. I do not move around a lot in my sleep when someone is next to me. Even when someone isnt sleeping next to me I normally stay in one spot only changing my position slightly throughout the night. Its just so much more comfortable to me to be all curled up and warm. 

I will admit that when I am cramping or I fell asleep crying, I will be all sprawled out. Its my subconscious way of stretching out my body, lol! Doing yoga in my sleep. 

Before AJ was born all I could think about was how lonely I was and how I hated sleeping alone at night. Don't get me wrong I dated, I snuggled up with my dog Buddy every single night, but there is a huge difference when you have your arms around a loving pet and someone has their arms around you lovingly. I yerned for someone to love me enough to hold me at night, I still do. Cody and I have never really slept in the same bed, at the same time. When we first got together and he was trying to woo me (I guess) he would hold me till I fell asleep, or he thought I was asleep. Then, he would roll over and either watch t.v, sleep, or leave. Now, I never get that. 

He stopped doing that when we found out I was pregnant. I guess he figured his work was done, no need to romance me anymore or pretend to care. When I first came back from Florida, he did make an effort for us to at least go to sleep in the same bed but now hes sleeping in the living room again. We are back to being room mates. We cannot even talk. I have talked the same way since we got together. I havent changed, I just stopped putting up with so much bullshit. Why be nice, understanding, and supportive of someone whos main goal in life is to be alone, depressed, and on a damn video game? He stopped caring about this live long ago. He gets in these depressed states that last months, and I have to wonder. Why doesnt he see what he is blessed with? He has a healthy and happy baby girl, a wife that throughout everything is still here giving him chance after fucking chance, he has a roof over his head, and although he has barely worked in three years he has everything he wants. I dont understand! 

Yesterday he told me that us getting married was a mistake, and I agree. Not that I said that to his face, I just let him walk away. But, I do agree. We never should have gotten married. It was all a fake out by him, by me. I had to drink to walk down the isle. I do love him and I miss the love we use to have. I guess thats why I didnt fight getting married when he brought it up, cause he was acting like his old self. The one that I fell in love with. Not the one that doesnt give a flying shit about anything or anyone but himself. 

Our wedding was a serious split second thing. He asked me to marry him on Wednesday, got the marriage liscence on Thursday, and was married on Friday. It was no where near my dream wedding, I didnt even have one friend or family member there, but it was what I thought I deserved. Never in my life have I ever thought I deserved nice things or a happy life. For some reason bad shit always happens, and although I pull myself out of the darkness every single time, I know that just around the bend is another obsticle, fight or flight situation, or my worst nightmare. 

The day of our wedding he was higher than a kite too. He couldnt even look at me while we were standing there in front of the preacher. I should have noticed all of that and ran. But, foolishly I stood there hoping for love. Hoping something in him would crack and he would realize what life and promise he had infront of him. 

Damn, the things I think of at 6 am. No wonder I am not asleep. Who could sleep with all of this running through their brain? 

Spouse or Child?

Who comes first in your life, spouse or kids?

I'm sorry but you would have to be a total selfish bitch to choose your spouse over your children. Kids will always come first. My child will always come first. That isn't saying that I don't care about my spouse or that my spouse would be completely pushed aside but that is my child. It is a product of our love and came from my blood, my body, and was a blessing upon me. My child will always come first because of many reason, a big one being that no matter how much love is in a relationship, a marriage, it can end over petty shit. My spouse could cheat on me, whether it be with his penis or his emotions. My spouse could just decide that he didn't want to be here anymore. People are fickle like that.. Men suck just to put it out there bluntly.

My child on the other hand will always be in my heart, will always be the first thing on my mind, and will always need, want, or come to me for life's big questions. I know that doesn't happen in every family and its probably cause their dumb ass parents put something before them, i.e. work, spouse, social obligations, old freaking dreams. GUESS WHAT! When you have a child it isnt about you anymore, I dont care what anyone else has to say about the matter. When you become a parent, you become a PARENT! That means you dont do the same shit you use to do when you had no responsibility. It doesn't mean you cannot have a life anymore, it means that you need to put your life second to theirs. They didnt ask to be born, you spread your legs and caused it to happen, and God (what ever God you believe in) saw fit to bless you with that child. Sometimes God takes that child back if he needs to but thats an entirely different conversation. You have a child, you did the deed to get the child, now grow the hell up and take care of that child cause it for damn sure deserves better than second rate to some penis or vagina that can only give you a few moments of passion. SORRY If I burst your bubble or hurt your feelings in anyway, its just what I feel and believe. YOUR CHILD SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST!

Shoot, if the whole zombie thing were to come about I would still choose my daughter over my spouse and I would want my spouse to choose my daughter over me. Children come first, they matter the most. Why cause they are innocent, they have a long future ahead of them, they have a whole thought process still unaffected by bullshit politics, trends, or someone elses agenda. 

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my world everyone. 


I want to just jump on into things, so here is a small over view of my world. I am 21 years old, have a wonderful daughter, am married to a man that is the greatest manipulator in the world and I despise, and am stuck in bullshit Arkansas with a Florida mind set. My husbands name is Cody and I will be writing about him a whole lot. I have five dogs, two that I completely claim and the rest are actually either his or my daughters but I am the one that cares for them, so they are mine too. Now that you're caught up, lets get this show on the road.


I have been married all of three months to a man I have been with for almost three years. We met and it was like magic. I fell so hard and so fast for him, maybe it was just the idea of him and what he promised to give me. A family. A true family. That would have been awesome but what we have is nothing like that. I know that I will not have the shortest marriage of all time but it doesn't please me to know that I am already contemplating divorce or annulment after only three months. 


Infact, it down right pisses me off even more that he has already gotten me to that point and I just came back to him. We were separated for two and a half months over the summer and idiotically I came back thinking I was just coming to pick up my things, my dogs, him, and move back to Florida.  Why were we separated? SSDD, seriously! Every single day it is the same. I get up, take care of our daughter, our house, our animals, our whole world so it doesn't come crashing down, and he either lays there pretending to sleep or is already on his fucking playstation! News flash men, a playstation game cannot fuck you, cannot cook you dinner, cannot solve your' fucking problems, and cannot take care of your' lazy ass. After all of that, I then head off to work for 12 hours; only to come back to a messy house, daughter, dogs, and lazy man still on his fucking game. 


When I left, I had the best summer of my life. I hung out with old friends, got to see family, hang out with my (also overworked) sister, and really let lose for the first time in my life. I may only be twenty-one but with all the bullshit in this world, I feel like I am at least fourty-two. I left cause I couldn't deal with the back and forth. He would tell me to leave and then beg me to stay. It was beyond what anyone could handle. I came back being promised things were different. He had a job, he was willing to grow up, and he "cried" every day thinking about the woman and child he was missing. BULLSHIT! 


I get back and got about a month of bliss. He was kind, caring, stayed off of the playstation for more than two seconds, and so I married him. He quit his job claiming it was because he wasn't getting to spend time with our daughter or I and it was killing him. He worked the night shift so I understood but was pissed cause HELLO! We are not rich, we have bills to pay, and he just quits? So, he promises me that he will have a new job in just a few days. That was three months ago! 


Every single weekend he says that Monday is the day he is going to make a change, get a job, and check out this local college to make a true change. He wants to fix mistakes he made before he ever met me. Then, Monday morning is here and we fight. We yell, we cant stand to be in the same room with one another cause he refuses to get out of bed. Last Monday he pitched such a bitch fit that he said asleep in bed all day and half the night, actually ignoring our daughter. What kind of man completely ignores his daughter, for an entire day? 


I cannot allow this to happen. She deserves better than this, and so do I. I gave up many great, wonderful opportunities, guys, and dreams to be with Cody. WHY? I cannot even answer that question. He has never supported me, never been truly kind, never given me anything besides my daughter to be thankful for. 


People say that you cannot choose who you fall in love with, and I believe that BUT I believe that I can choose what I put up with and if I fall out of love. I have fallen, I have fallen out of love, fallen from grace, fallen from the woman I once was. I got to see a glimpse of that daring woman this summer and I will see her again. 


Don't get this blog wrong, I am not going to just bash him all day but this is about my life and for some reason this man is a huge part of it. 


For the last month and a half, after putting applications in every where I could possibly find, I started working at Labor Ready. You know that place that normally only guys go to at like five a.m. in the morning for like construction jobs? Yeah, I went there every single morning. I worked and did that so that I could buy diapers for my daughter. How fucking pathetic is that? I have to go work at a temp agency, surrounded by fellons and crack heads just so that I can buy diapers for my daughter. 


Well, everything was going great. I was working this car auction place and although I hated it, that was fifty bucks in my pocket and another day my daughter didn't go without. It was November 15th and it was raining really, really bad. I was getting to go home after just one more trip and thats when I fell out of the damn work van and tore a bunch of ligaments in my ankle. Now I am back to square one, almost out of diapers, about to start school again on the fifth, and no money. I even have to start going to physical therapy for my ankle, and Cody told me I didn't need to see a doctor. He always says I don't need to see a doctor. The last time he said that was New Years and I almost died. My gull-bladder completely failed, my liver was beginning to fail, and my small intestion almost ruptured. 


I cannot wait until 2012, cause 2011 was my hell. Some how I still feel blessed though, because my daughter hasn't suffered from it and I am still alive. In spite of everything that has happened, I still see the beauty in the world. I still feel hope flowing through my veins. 


It would be completely heartless of me to annul or divorce him during the holidays, so I have made a secret vow to myself. If he hasn't found a job by 2012 I will not enter the new year with him as his wife. I will enter 2012 as the single mother I have been since I found out she was growing inside me. 


If you are a single mother, have been through what I am going through, or have any constructive comments please feel free to leave them below.