Welcome to my world

Welcome to my world everyone. 


I want to just jump on into things, so here is a small over view of my world. I am 21 years old, have a wonderful daughter, am married to a man that is the greatest manipulator in the world and I despise, and am stuck in bullshit Arkansas with a Florida mind set. My husbands name is Cody and I will be writing about him a whole lot. I have five dogs, two that I completely claim and the rest are actually either his or my daughters but I am the one that cares for them, so they are mine too. Now that you're caught up, lets get this show on the road.


I have been married all of three months to a man I have been with for almost three years. We met and it was like magic. I fell so hard and so fast for him, maybe it was just the idea of him and what he promised to give me. A family. A true family. That would have been awesome but what we have is nothing like that. I know that I will not have the shortest marriage of all time but it doesn't please me to know that I am already contemplating divorce or annulment after only three months. 


Infact, it down right pisses me off even more that he has already gotten me to that point and I just came back to him. We were separated for two and a half months over the summer and idiotically I came back thinking I was just coming to pick up my things, my dogs, him, and move back to Florida.  Why were we separated? SSDD, seriously! Every single day it is the same. I get up, take care of our daughter, our house, our animals, our whole world so it doesn't come crashing down, and he either lays there pretending to sleep or is already on his fucking playstation! News flash men, a playstation game cannot fuck you, cannot cook you dinner, cannot solve your' fucking problems, and cannot take care of your' lazy ass. After all of that, I then head off to work for 12 hours; only to come back to a messy house, daughter, dogs, and lazy man still on his fucking game. 


When I left, I had the best summer of my life. I hung out with old friends, got to see family, hang out with my (also overworked) sister, and really let lose for the first time in my life. I may only be twenty-one but with all the bullshit in this world, I feel like I am at least fourty-two. I left cause I couldn't deal with the back and forth. He would tell me to leave and then beg me to stay. It was beyond what anyone could handle. I came back being promised things were different. He had a job, he was willing to grow up, and he "cried" every day thinking about the woman and child he was missing. BULLSHIT! 


I get back and got about a month of bliss. He was kind, caring, stayed off of the playstation for more than two seconds, and so I married him. He quit his job claiming it was because he wasn't getting to spend time with our daughter or I and it was killing him. He worked the night shift so I understood but was pissed cause HELLO! We are not rich, we have bills to pay, and he just quits? So, he promises me that he will have a new job in just a few days. That was three months ago! 


Every single weekend he says that Monday is the day he is going to make a change, get a job, and check out this local college to make a true change. He wants to fix mistakes he made before he ever met me. Then, Monday morning is here and we fight. We yell, we cant stand to be in the same room with one another cause he refuses to get out of bed. Last Monday he pitched such a bitch fit that he said asleep in bed all day and half the night, actually ignoring our daughter. What kind of man completely ignores his daughter, for an entire day? 


I cannot allow this to happen. She deserves better than this, and so do I. I gave up many great, wonderful opportunities, guys, and dreams to be with Cody. WHY? I cannot even answer that question. He has never supported me, never been truly kind, never given me anything besides my daughter to be thankful for. 


People say that you cannot choose who you fall in love with, and I believe that BUT I believe that I can choose what I put up with and if I fall out of love. I have fallen, I have fallen out of love, fallen from grace, fallen from the woman I once was. I got to see a glimpse of that daring woman this summer and I will see her again. 


Don't get this blog wrong, I am not going to just bash him all day but this is about my life and for some reason this man is a huge part of it. 


For the last month and a half, after putting applications in every where I could possibly find, I started working at Labor Ready. You know that place that normally only guys go to at like five a.m. in the morning for like construction jobs? Yeah, I went there every single morning. I worked and did that so that I could buy diapers for my daughter. How fucking pathetic is that? I have to go work at a temp agency, surrounded by fellons and crack heads just so that I can buy diapers for my daughter. 


Well, everything was going great. I was working this car auction place and although I hated it, that was fifty bucks in my pocket and another day my daughter didn't go without. It was November 15th and it was raining really, really bad. I was getting to go home after just one more trip and thats when I fell out of the damn work van and tore a bunch of ligaments in my ankle. Now I am back to square one, almost out of diapers, about to start school again on the fifth, and no money. I even have to start going to physical therapy for my ankle, and Cody told me I didn't need to see a doctor. He always says I don't need to see a doctor. The last time he said that was New Years and I almost died. My gull-bladder completely failed, my liver was beginning to fail, and my small intestion almost ruptured. 


I cannot wait until 2012, cause 2011 was my hell. Some how I still feel blessed though, because my daughter hasn't suffered from it and I am still alive. In spite of everything that has happened, I still see the beauty in the world. I still feel hope flowing through my veins. 


It would be completely heartless of me to annul or divorce him during the holidays, so I have made a secret vow to myself. If he hasn't found a job by 2012 I will not enter the new year with him as his wife. I will enter 2012 as the single mother I have been since I found out she was growing inside me. 


If you are a single mother, have been through what I am going through, or have any constructive comments please feel free to leave them below.