The Rescued Tiger

Let me introduce the rescued Tiger:

Usually I just write about my shit, but I looked over at her the day before yesterday and realized how far she has come from the little scared cat that I rescued her from. 

Let me begin by stating that I havent been a cat person since I was a kid. Never liked them, couldnt stand the smell, and the attitudes. Nope! I would much rather have a dog. 

I love all animals but cats were not my deal.

The thing is though, she is not a cat. Not in her heart. She is as her name Tiger. 

Back in September of 2013, I had gone to the vets/pet store to get some flea meds for my dogs. (Fleas are horrible in Florida and one of my dogs is seriously allergic to fleas and mosquito.)

Well, while in there my daughter is being told about this cat that someone just left. She (the nurse) specifically then says to my three year old that someone needs to save her. 

My little diva did not only beg for this damn cat but screamed her head off for four hours till I went back and "saved" her. 

She was meek, timid, so docile with my daughter so it wasnt a bad thing. Her and my dogs had to adjust to each other but Tiger has definitely made her place in this family and claimed her right with the dogs. 

She was under weight and scared of almost every human interaction. I thought it was the weirdest thing for a cat to not want to play with cat toys. She was my daughters so I was just going to make sure she was fed, litter box clean (till Diva knew how to do those things), and go about my dog life. 

SHE had other plans. 

This little bitch not only made me like her, she made me love her. She wasnt comfortable with anyone else and I had to work with her for her to even feel comfortable eating out of her bowl or sleeping in her cat bed and not hiding under my bed or in the closet (where she could have gotten squished). Slowly she came around and even became vocal with me. We literally have "meow" conversations. 

I have turned into a pathetic cat lady! 

(Well Tiger Lady) 

She sleeps with me, she cuddles with me, her and my dog Zuko fight over who gets to cuddle with me or sit next to/on my lap, and like I said she "talks" to me. 

She even plays with toys now! 

She uses my books (specifically when I am trying to get some course work done) as her pillow or scratching post. 

The day before yesterday I was writing out some course work and she swats the pen out of my hand. Made a huge mark across the whole page! I was like "WTF Tiger!" She just meowed at me and then kept attacking my pen across the bed. I think I lost about 30 minutes of productivity to this whole little event. 

I dont even regret it. 

I suddenly understand all the cat meme's all over social media. 

My point in all of this is to not just limit yourself to getting the puppies or kittens. Rescue the ones that are also a few years old because they can be taught new tricks, and so can you! They will change your life and you will literally save theirs. Tiger clearly hasnt had an easy life before I got her. Im assuming shes about 4 and she has clearly had litters of kittens and maybe some surgery or got into a bad fight cause her tummy shows signs of both. She has a small barely visible bald spot near her right ear that is actually a round scar (looks kind of like a cigarette burn, which would explain why she was so hesitant about human interaction). 

She has opened my eyes to alot of things and softened my heart a bit. She was meant for my daughter but ended up claiming me. 

And she, is definitely a rescued Tiger! She roams the house. She plays! She eats well! She lounges! She is happy now. She is calm and relaxed! She is a completely different cat then the one that I rescued last year and so am I! 

Are you a proud fur baby parent? Did you rescue yours? Did they rescue you?  Comment below with your story or a link to your blog. 

Never Have I Ever....

Have you ever loved someone so much it literally hurt? And yet you hate them, you hate all the pain they keep causing you, you hate the memories of happiness cause they were all a lie, and you hate that you love them so much  that even if you wanted to, you couldnt ever actually hate them down to the core. UGH!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!

I dont want to write about him anymore! I dont want to break down and cry anymore! I dont want to show concern about something he randomly fucking messages me and tells me and then makes me feel like shit because I fucking care!!! 

Who does that???

I have been having a great week. Class has been hectic but I have, as usual, been kicking ass and keeping a high grade. I also got the go ahead to plan a fundraiser for Operation Smile. I have been trying to get the go ahead on that for about four weeks! My director finally gave me the go ahead after I just walked in her office and made her talk to me. 

My munchkin is testing on a first grade level and she is only in pre-K. Can you even imagine how excited and glowing with pride I was finding that out?!? My little diva is amazing! She is an over dramatic, diva, princess, whiny butt, but she is my little over dramatic, smart, caring, diva, princess, whiny butt! And I love her so much!!!! 

My kilt wearing rock star has been doing so much to make me smile. He is definitely my rock during hard times and I hope that I am still his. I even get to start work with him this week, which I am very excited about. Doing random LP things, hair on the side, and cleaning houses isnt helping as much as I need it too. I should have toughed it out and kept working with the retail company I was, but after my friend Bea hooked me u with a far less demanding job, and I was still dealing with all the BS from that stupid mexican bitch punching me in the face and chipping my tooth, I thought I was making the right move. Then, I somehow fucked up my knee and then everyone was let go cause the management at that place didnt know how to do simple shrink reports. So, until now I have been scrapping up whatever small job or client I could get to pay the bills and keep my head somewhat a float. Him taking my resume and passing it up to his boss was more of a blessing then he will ever know. 

And for this job, I have to wear Khakis. FUCK KHAKIS!! Most people can pull them off, they look good in them, and they are  comfortable wearing them. For some, wearing khakis even looks professional. For me, I look like shit in them. I hate the way they look on me, and it takes me forever to find a pair that fits me anywhere near well enough to look remotely professional. If they fit my big booty, they dont fit my waist and make me look like I have a package or something. Or, they are those kind of khakis with no shape, doesnt hug you anywhere, making me look HUGE! I finally lost some more weight, I am not aiming to look huge in anything. 

But, I am going to tough it out, wear these stupid things cause that is what is required of me, I REALLY need the money, and I am not going to let him down. He stuck his neck out for me and I feel like I have done nothing but let people down recently. Not going to do that to him anymore. 

Well, I have to get back to finishing this cleaning and get to my onboarding for the new job. Hopefully, writing all of this and focusing on that will help get me back to not feeling this shit again. I dont want to think about him anymore. I dont want to remember the good times because they were all a lie. I dont even want him to cross my mind because he doesnt care and truly never has. There are very few people in this world that have ever truly cared and I am going to start focusing on them instead of people that clearly dont.  

HEY CANADA!! and POLAND

HEY CANADA!!

I know that I just posted a bunch of randomness but I just looked at my stats and I wanted to give a shout out to all my my Canadian readers!! 

I was born in Wisconsin (cause the hospital in the UP of Michigan where we lived stopped delivering babies) and my moms whole family is from the U.P. of Michigan dontcha know?!

I love Canada.

 I cant wait to go visit again and vacation. I havent been since I was a kid but I really admire the country and it is a blast up there. 

When I was a kid, you didnt need a passport or anything besides an ID to cross the border and go sledding or 4 wheeling or Ice fishing. It was great. I was a bit too young to appreciate it but I still had fun. 

I may have been young but I definitely retained a bit of the accent and it really comes out when I am tired, drunk, or around other people from the north. 

Well, anyway, just wanted to say that I appreciate yall! Keep reading, post/ask me some questions or comments, and have a great day!! 

OH SNAP! 
Quick revise, okay so Hello Poland!!! 
Wow, yall just kinda popped up there. Appreciate you! Would love to travel there one day as well. I actually just watched a foreign fill made from there. The Dutch, German, and Polish kinda threw me off and I was a bit rusty on my translations but thank god for English subtitles. Beautiful country!! 
And just as I said to my Canadian readers, please feel free to comment and have a great day or night (depending on your time zone!)

Dreams and Randomness

Today has been one hell of a day! Let me tell you!! 

So normally, my class is ice freaking cold. We all found out the hard way that wearing long sleeves under our scrubs were not only necessary but you are completely damned if you dont. Today, however, I felt as though I had a heater constantly on my face, chest, and legs.  

Maybe it was because we were so busy, and I went first to do the competency on pouring and trimming models. But still, the one day that I need that cold air is the one day I guess the air conditioner was turned up. 

I usually go first on tests and competencies because I am usually the one that has been helping everyone else in class get it down. For once in my life having a photographic memory is paying off. I am grasping concepts, instruments, materials, and procedures so well that it is literally blowing my own mind. It feels great to be needed and to have so many other people look to you for answers and help. I love helping people! I love teaching! (Dont know if I will become a teacher later or not but I do enjoy it, maybe just a tutor)

Yesterday, I had planned on writing but the mix of physical, emotional, and mental stress and exhaustion had taken its toll and I passed smooth the hell out after I got out of school. I dont particularly like surprise naps, because I am a bit of an insomniac as it is, I dont need another reason to stay up all night. 

To kind of help keep that from that happening, I worked out for about two hours after my munchkin went to bed and then took a long, hot, relaxing shower. 

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you literally trick yourself into thinking that you are awake in the dream, until you actually wake up!?! Yeah, that happened to me this morning. I was having such a vivid dream and believed myself to be awake but when I woke up, I was like "FUCK!! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" 

Not the best feeling in the world waking up realizing that was all just a dream and oh yeah by the way you have 20 minutes to get to class. I still ended up being late. My munchkins teacher stopped me to tell me about her scholarship and how well her testing is going to see what levels she is on. 

SHE IS SO SMART!!!!! I love my little diva! 

BUT-

Back to the dream though, if we can dream that vividly and literally trick our minds into thinking that our bodies are awake and we are going throughout our day, whos to say that this all isnt a dream and one day we are going to wake up? I know some people think that is what is going to happen when we die and to be honest I dont really refute that idea. Maybe when we die here, we wake up somewhere else. We go and do things that body would do and think about what a crazy dream it was that we just had. It is a total mind fuck of twists. 

Robin Williams

Robin Williams was a great actor and a hilarious comedian. He was also a humanitarian and animal activist. He was a good man but he was a man. We all have our faults. We all have our demons. It is very sad that such a funny man could come to such a sad end but he is human and not even all the fame and money in the world can change that. I am very tired of seeing people try to use his death as a campaign for something. He died. He committed suicide. Leave it alone. He was human. I do not need to know ever gritty detail and I believe it is completely disrespectful to his memory and his whole family to try and pry so much. Like all these posts of pics of his kids at his funeral, come on, its a funeral. Back the hell off. Whats even more disturbing are these fake pictures that are going around of his "body". That isnt his body. That is some kind of bs and I refuse to look at it. People have no decency anymore. 

I am no stranger to the thought of suicide and I was even weak enough once to try and end it. I didnt. I woke the hell up in that instant and knew that I had more to do with my life and I was being completely dumb. Call it a miracle. Call it a vision from God or the Gods but I saw all that I could do and have been guided ever since then on the correct route to take. I have this intuition inside, this internal voice that tells me or gives me this feeling of "no hold off on doing that" or "this isnt the right way". I have gone through alot but I have been blessed through all of it. There are so many instances that could have been alot worse then they were. So many times I could have lost my life and because I waited on something, because I took the second option, because I chose to do something different I am still here.

Sitting on the bathroom floor thinking that I had nothing to offer this world, feeling the blood drip down my arms I was pathetic. It is pathetic to do that. Suicide is a permanent choice to a temporary obstacle. Hurting myself wasnt ever going to get anything done. No one taught me that. No shrink opened my eyes to that. I found it out. I know how I survived. There probably isnt anyone that would understand or believe the vision that I got or how I have been led every since then but that doesnt matter. I know. Before you choose that permanent choice, think about who is going to find you. What are you going to do to their mental well being? Who are leaving behind? Friends, family, pets that cannot survive without you, the chance of future children, ambition, goals, etc. 

Talk to someone you trust or reach out to a suicide hotline or listen to that internal voice. Open yourself up to the possibility of something better. Believe that this life can be worth a damn and it will be. But you have to get up off your lazy ass and make it something. You have to believe in yourself. You have to let go of all of those fucked up feelings of insecurity and all those words of others that dont fucking matter! They are not your life! You are your life! 

Some one calls you fat, fuck them! They arnt perfect. You feel fat then work out, eat right, see your doctor, get that shit under control and dont fucking worry about what is considered fat. You need to be healthy. Focus on being healthy. 

Someone calls you a slut, guess what you might be, or you might not be. It doesnt matter! It is your sex life and you choose who you want to be with and share that side of you. If you like to open your legs to a bunch of people, do you but be smart about it. If you are a virgin and someone calls you a slut, guess what? They most likely are the slut and you know your virtue isnt controlled by them. 

The ex love of my life called me a fat single mom with boundry issues. Am I contemplating death over that crushing statement? NO! Fuck him! I am not fat. I am not a twig. I am me and I am healthy and I love me. I know I have areas I can improve myself but they dont control my everyday. And yes I am a single mom, but how in the hell is that a bad thing? I had a kid and instead of staying with someone who wasnt right for me and cant handle a family, I did me and am taking damn good care of my daughter. Im proud to be a single mom and yes it would be great to just be seen as a parent or her mom, I will never see that as a bad thing. It means I stood up and took care of my responsibilities. 

DO YOU! BELIEVE IN YOU! 

Didnt mean to hurt me

There are many things in this life that we all wish we could take back. Harsh words said in anger being one of them.

The night before last, my ex love of my life/high school sweet heart, text me and literally got me so upset I became a drone basically. I was so focused on my damn phone, beyond hurt, and I let him have every single bad thought that came across my brain. I said some pretty terrible things. But everything I said was true. I listed all the ways hes hurt me, lied to me, used me, and pushed me away for bullshit. I don't think I was cruel but I was very direct and very harsh. He pushed me to that point and then had nothing much to say in return. He probably never expected me to let go and be like that to him.

I have always been understanding, which annoyed him. I have always been forgiving, which frustrated him. I have always told him and showed him that I loved him, and he hated me for it.

Well, our convo ended and we didn't talk at all yesterday. It was a pretty good day. I did great in class, went out to dinner with my kilt wearing rock star and my munchkin, and went on an apartment cleaning spree. Yes, I know that I was still kind of frustrated and Im still upset about everything but I was a lot calmer than I have been in years.

I don't regret what I said to him, I know I could have said a few things differently but at the same time so could he. I never found my life "miserable" with him. I was content with waiting for him while he was deployed. I sacrificed a lot for him and when I make that kind of commitment to someone, this usually happens. I get hurt. I get stomped on. I get lied to and then I am left. They never stick around when I give my full heart. They never keep up the love that they used to get me to let my guard down and trust them. He never has, in ten years this has always been the ending. He always gets me to the level that I trust him again, and I forgive him. I even start thinking about a future with him (naively). Then he becomes distant, blames it on work or school, nit picks everything I do (even if its a good thing for him), and then he breaks my heart and makes sure he breaks it really good.

He text me really late last night that he never meant to hurt me or make me upset. He might have been genuine but I digress. All I wrote back was that I never meant to make his life "Miserable" which he claimed I did a lot and then he claimed that no, he was just a miserable person. Then he called me a bitch. So, again, don't know whether or not was being genuine last night or not and at this point Im really losing my care to know.

I do not need anyone in my life that doesn't want to be there. I do not want to make anyone's life miserable. Or do things, plan places to go, etc that would make them miserable or that would make them relive past fucked up situations but when I am the only one being honest and open, when I am the only one caring; yeah I might make the wrong choices.

With my munchkins father, he tried to make my life miserable, he tried to trap me in Arkansas. He did everything he could to break me and tear me down. He was so resentful of me. I tried to be a good woman to him, stayed with him even though I had plenty of reasons to leave and plenty of reasons to fuck his life up. However, he is doing a very good job of that on his own. He didn't truly want a family. He isn't ready for any of this and when he snapped and did something that completely crossed any and all lines, I snapped my care and try for him. I love him because he is the father of my child. He shouldn't have been the father of my child but he is so, I gave him more chances then I ever should. Now that his mother has passed away, he barely makes an effort to call his daughter. He was sending money for about two months but it wasn't anything big and per usual it has stopped and he has stopped caring again.

I sure know how to pick some fucked up people to try and care about.

I have gotten that line of "I didn't mean to hurt you" so many times its complete bullshit to my ears now. Doesn't mean a damn thing to me unless the person saying it still has my trust.

Once you have broke me, once you have crossed that line, once you have demoralized me to the point that I just really cant anymore, then those kinds of statements don't mean shit. If you loved me as much as you said you did, you would have been around. You would have tried. You wouldn't have hurt me to begin with. You would have given me a damn chance instead of judging me and then throwing me aside.

EVEN THOUGH I have done nothing wrong. All I wanted was to see you. All I wanted was to be a good woman to you like I was raised to be. NO I do not play into all the sexist bullshit and NO I am not your average woman but when someone is good to me, I am good to them. Specifically, I like to cook (food makes everyone happy), I like to be around that person, I like to do things they like to do (because chances are I liked doing whatever it was before I knew this other person liked doing it), and I like to do some other gender specific things to show my gratitude and love for that person. I am fierce, I am passionate, and sometimes that can be overwhelming.

I have learned some major life lessons from all of this. I have seen some sides of some people that I thought I knew but now know better. I have released a lot of anger and pain that I have been holding onto for entirely too long. This has been heart  wrenching and a complete disaster. I lost someone that I really cared about down to my core. He was truly my first love and has been such a part of my life for so long. I didn't know how I could go on if I ever lost him. I lost myself for a while last year when he first really broke my heart but I picked myself back up and now that he has done it again....I feel like I am in a good place. I have pretty much come to terms with everything that he has done and said to me. I don't feel like I am bound to him anymore. I don't feel like my heart would literally break and I would literally die since he isn't here. Yes for a brief moment I wished total harm on him, but I wont do that again. I have no reason to.

Its the worst thing to harm someone that you love deeply and whom you have promised so much to, only to renege on all of it because of fear.

I am just the type of person that if I love you, I wont try to intentionally hurt you because of how much I love you and that it is frightening. I embrace that passion and love for you. I go full force when I am given the all clear to go full force. I normally end up crushed, hurt, lied to, cheated on, and alone but I refuse to be any other way because of fear or because of how badly I was hurt by him or by anyone else. I have this heart for a reason. I have this level of love to give for a reason. I was apparently trying to give it to the wrong person for ten years but I still have it.

Shout out to my Russian Readers

I was looking at my stats to see exactly just where my words have been landing and I gotta say, shout out to my Russian Readers. I have always been fascinated by the Russian culture and would love to travel there one day. 

I would also like to go to Egypt, Ireland, Italy (where my entire fathers family lives), back to China, and back to Vietnam. I loved being in Vietnam. I know, weird for an American to say but it was honestly beautiful and the people were very welcoming and inviting. I was immersed in the culture and I LOVED IT! Honestly, before I went I was kind of bummed because I wanted to attend the medical mission to China, but I already had one in Hong Kong after the one in Vietnam, so I stuck with it. 

(By medical mission, I am referring to my work with Operation Smile.) I was a medical/student international volunteer with them and still am. Infact I am about to start a chapter in my college as soon as the dean signs off on the Organization affiliation with the school. Which she should, if she ever gets to reading her emails and actually communicates with the students. Anyway, OpSmile is one of the best and more caring nonprofits I have ever seen and am damn proud to be a part of. 

Well off to pick up my little diva from school, Love yall russian readers and everyone one else around the world =)

Impressions

In the last few days I have come to realize that through this writing I am beginning to be a calmer person again. Writing in general has always been a huge escape for me. I can release everything that is weighing down my brain, making me a very bitchy person. So, here I am again, writing even though I wrote at 4 am this morning. YAY ME! 

To the point of the topic at hand, well quite literally at mouth. In class today we began doing Impressions and casts of oral cavities. So, of course I did my own mouth. That is only natural; right?

 I am quite disappointed at how bad my malocclusion is. Sure, a regular person could look at my cast and only notice the small issues Ive got going on in there. I, however, am very hard on myself and see EVERY imperfection. 

My bite is sitting slightly more towards the left, my front teeth are chipped (because I am one of those individuals that is destined to meet the pavement), and the missing filling and completely broken tooth do not look good.

 I seriously need to get into a dentist and fix this shit before it gets even worse. Although I have insurance, I dont have $800 to drop on just the missing filling. Its retarded that I have to drop that much money even though I have insurance. I dont get it! 

Yes, the companies have to be paid and the work dentists, hygienists, and assistants do is vitally important but I never remember having to pay a doctor an additional 300 on top of the 800 they just charged my insurance for one procedure. It would be awesome if I could just get the government insurance that is suppose to be available to single mothers and college students, but that is all a lie. There are so many ways you can be denied coverage because of shit that doesnt even relate to what you are needing the help with. For example, I was denied because I have a car that is worth a damn.  I am still making payments on it (and actually behind) but some how in their twisted minds they see that as a form of income. "?" HOW?? I am still paying for it, I went through hell to get it in the first place, and I am even behind on payments because I am struggling to keep my head above water. If it wasnt for my moms help and the help of a certain kilt wearing rockstar, I would be completely fucked right now and questioning whether or not I was even a good mother. 

I am a very proud person. It is a large fault of mine. I do not like to get help from others but would help my worst enemy if need be. I try as hard as I can to do it all on my own because then no one can be in control of me or have that power over me. That kind of thinking has made many aspects of my life quite difficult. I will never stop trying to be self reliant and striving for the best but I am working on getting over my pride and accepting the help offered from those that I really care about. I can (to a point) trust them and its not their fault that someone else hurt me, lied to me, used me, took advantage of me, tried to control me, and tried to drive me down. 

I am glad that class was as busy as it was today though because I didnt want to look at my phone anymore. Just when I think that I am free, still hurting and questioning everything, but free....he messages me again. If you are so done, if I make you so miserable, if there is nothing I can do to ever make you happy why are you prolonging this. You have said goodbye to me more times than I can count now. You called me a lying bitch when I was telling the truth. You lashed out when I had no idea what the true issue was. You have said and done everything possible to hurt me and then you dare to come back and finally open up to me, just to immediately revert back. I complain too much, how? You have all these notions of shit that you think I want but have never listened to the words of my heart. You judge me when I accept you. How the fuck is that fair?? 

And he isnt even the first person to do this to me, it is a damn trend! I am too caring to people who do not deserve it or even want it deep down. But, I cannot change that. If I shut off that emotional switch, I will never be the person I am and for all my faults I am a very passionate, caring, and loving person. I am loyal to those I love. I am fiercely protective. To shut it off and walk around like a drone because everyone seems to end up doing this to me, would be like being in purgatory, which to me is worse than hell. I am severely ocd and a.d.d  and to be trapped in my own mind like that with nothing to do or the same monotony over and over again, would make me go insane. 

Well off to do this homework, leave me a comment on what topic to write about tonight or share your experiences with either impressions or anything else I wrote about. PEACE 

Life isnt all Bad

In this crazy world, you really have to remember that life isnt all bad. Yes, I have written at least 80 blogs that are just basically me whining like a little bitch but I do always at least try to add in a bit of positivism in it. I try to be optimistic. I cannot stand it when people say they are realistic. The truth is, they are not being realistic they are being pessimistic with a polite spin. 

The cup is neither have empty or half full, it is what you make it. 

Recently, I have been very down because its been one thing after another stressing me out and trying to rain on my parade. If its not my daughters father either completely ignoring her or trying to consistently play the victim, its a bill that over due, a bit of homework I forgot, me being my clutzy self, my mom being my mom, a teacher trying to start shit with me over nothing, feeling left out in my tiny group of friends, getting sick when I cannot afford at all to get sick, and hurting the ones I love the most and seriously not trying to at all. Oh yeah and my high school sweet heart/love of my life completely breaking my heart because I make him miserable. Why, because I want to see him on his days off and I pick the most stupid shit to do. Cause you know, no one would ever love to just chill at home, work on cars, or go shooting as a date. Fuck no, I must be out of my mind to ever suggest such horrible actions 0_o. 

HOWEVER! 

There is quite a bit of light at the end of this rainbow! I am blessed and I know that I am blessed. I am a real piece of work but for some reason I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, my little munchkin is well taken care of and I can provide for her, all of my furbabies arent suffering in the least, and I have a 4.0 gpa in school regardless of any other bullshit, stress, or anything. School is most likely going to suck tomorrow because I have been up all night but I am still kicking ass! This is probably the 2nd best I have ever done in school/college. 

So my darlings, life isnt all bad. Yes, there are rough patches, and shit happens on the regular. You want to go up and mother nature shoves you down. You want to go one way and the plans get changed, like the map of your life was taken right out of your hands and switched from english to chineses and all you can do is try to decipher the land marks. You have to roll with the punches and take those moments to really enjoy and be thankful for what you do have. 

-And what I have is a crazy ass spread out family that I love and love to hate. I have an amazing, beautiful, smart, and out going child that I love more than anything else in this world. I have an truly phenomenal kilt wearing rock star that even when we disagree and we have our major ups and downs, at the end of the day, he is one of the only people on this planet I can bear my soul to and know that Im completely safe in doing so. If I fall hes there to catch me, if Im down hes there to raise me back up, when Ive floated to high and my pride is getting the better of me, he is there to give me a reality check. I have an awesome step dad that I miss so much right now. He is all the way back home in Florida and I still run to the window or flip around real quick when I hear an old school motorcycle, heart fluttering because I wish it was him driving up. I have 2 dogs, a cat, and a turtle that are more than my babies and even when they piss me off and get into stuff they arent suppose to and make a huge mess, I wouldnt be me with out them. I have the chance to get my education and pursue all of these dreams I have and there are so many people out there that cant. I am blessed and I am thankful I am blessed. 

Bound

I felt as though my heart was bound to yours.

I was your ever faithful,

Naively loyal,

Hopelessly accepting, 

Fool of a love. 

I tore myself apart to be yours.

I accepted all your faults, 

I kept a fools hope, 

I pushed,

We were just ashes,

Of a long lost fable. 

Not even a fairy tale, 

No knight in shining armor, 

and I need not to be saved. 

You need the saving. 

You need the awakening.

And yet I was bound to this. 

Each time you fed me a perfect lie, 

Each time you led me down the road of lost redemption, 

Each and every time you tossed me aside,

Bound,

Tormented,

Fool.

I gave you all my secrets, 

I hid no flaws, 

I laid myself out before you,

My heart resting in your hands.

-You applied the pressure. 

You ignited my love, 

never to behold it. 

You took that heart, 

and tried to destroy it.

How I wished I could have stopped. 

I wanted to stop. 

-Stop being yours,

Stop accepting all you are,

Stop believing your false promise of love, life, forever. 

Stop the bond, 

Free myself. 

Even when you threw me away,

I knew I wasnt free. 

I knew I was still yours. 

Even when you didnt want me,

One day you would.

I waited for you, 

when you had no plans of ever coming home. 

I prayed for you,

When you were cursing God for giving you life. 

I fell for you,

when you had no intention of catching me. 

I gave you all that I am,

and you let it all go.

You told me I was written on your heart,

then told me your heart has been long gone.

You told me I was your dream,

then told me you never dream.

You told me I made you miserable,

then pronounced that you were just miserable. 

I begged for just one more night, 

I forgot my moral code,

I had you stuck on my body like a tattoo,

I held you close,

You stabbed me with everything you could. 

Ive said it a million times, 

I love you! 

Ive proved it a million times, 

Im yours!

I was bound, 

to you.

I would have made that permanent. 

I would have crossed that line.

I would have took your name. 

I would have bore your children.

I would have stood by you in all ways.

I would have.

You were once music to my heart, 

your name would awaken a smile,

even on the darkest of days.

A memory of you, saved me.

I was a fool! 

I was naive!

I was bound,

when in truth, 

I absolutely hate to be.

Youve finally done it, 

Youve finally pushed me to far, 

Youve finally been the cruelest, 

Youve finally broken it. 

I was bound,

Youve finally lost me.

I wished harm on you, 

I cried,

My very soul wept,

I cursed your name, 

I begged the Gods to punish you,

For Karma to kick your ass.

I lost my control.

But youll never hear me apologize. 

Im a fool, 

Im an idiot, 

I asked this upon myself,

I begged and pleaded for your love, 

I should have know the consequences.

But I am a woman, 

I am a force to be reckoned with,

I am vulnerable,

I am brave,

I am strong willed,

I am proud, 

I am Beautiful,

I am strong,
I am, to a fault, cursed.

I was bound but no more.

I was cursed but not more. 

I was lost but no MORE! 

Whats done is done,

Ill pay my dues, 

when they come around,

Ill smile knowing,

Im FREE! 

Cant shut my brain off sometimes

It really sucks when you are lying in bed, so ready to fall asleep and you just cant. You start reliving all these old haunting memories that you would literally pay to get rid of and thoughts that you wish more than anything would go away. That for once you could find peace in the present no matter what was going on or stressors that were trying with all their might to hold you in a world of unnecessary worry and doubt. 

So, of course in your' diluted delirium of late night self doubt you watch stupid videos posted on facebook and guess what!?! They end up making you question your own worth to others as well. Forget your' petty thoughts of self doubt. Truth is you know your worth and then you see the lack of worth to others. Its disheartening. You start thinking well what if I had Alzheimer's, would he who I love do half of the shit this old man is doing for that old woman or would he stick me in a home and walk away because that is the easy thing to do and no one has ever does the hard thing anymore. Then I look at the one that is and does show me he cares and I think of all the times Ive cried and died a little over people that would never even dare do half the shit he does. It raises the age old question of am I constantly punishing myself for something? Am I guarding myself from true potential because being hurt, neglected, alone, and forgotten are actually the easier thing for me as well? Do I expect it and yet die inside because of it? Are my tears actually a waste because deep down I knew he would turn and run again. Deep down I knew that he was a bad choice, and has always been a bad choice. Deep down I am just filled with bad choices covered up with good intentions and hopes and dreams of aspirations that will never come to true? These are the thoughts of a mind that cannot shut off after a long night of studying and finishing homework that should have been done on Friday night, but oh no you forgot to do those last three pages. Yay! 

In other news, I went with my awesome little munchkin to the Museum of History and it was pretty great! Smaller then I thought it would be but I also didnt get to go into a huge portion of the downstairs area cause it had a special exhibit you had to pay to get into and my ass is broke. So.....Yeah. The munchkin enjoyed herself very much though and I learned some great details. Like the club that I went to a few weeks ago to celebrate a girls birthday from class was right around the corner! I laughed so hard cause I couldnt for the life of me find that damn club at first and oh its just a corner away from the Museum of History. LOL! I also found out that you dont have to pay to park in the city during the weekends or most major holidays which is seriously bad ass! Most cities that Ive lived in or traveled through, Ive had to feed that meter no matter what day of the week it was. 

Next weekend we are going hiking. I really wanted to go today but for some reason the last few weeks its been raining a bunch. I am not complaining cause we seriously needed the rain and for goodness sake I hope it doesnt stop. I prefer the humidity and the temps not reaching a million degrees like every day. BUT, I didnt want to chance getting rained out when neither one of us have proper hiking boots yet and hopefully by next weekend I could either find some or borrow some from someone. 

Also, hopefully by next weekend Ill have some money rolling through again. I quit one job cause of the bs and cause I had another job, and then I injure my damn knee have no idea how I injured it, and then the day that I am set to come back to work, everyone gets laid off. WTF! -_- This is why I prefer being the management, its harder for them to just lay you off. On the other hand, that is what I get for trying to take a job because its "less demanding" and "theres less responsibility" fuck that. I just gotta step it back up and bite the damn bullet. I really dont want to because that means less time with my daughter and I already feel like our time is strained but damnit cant do right by her with barely any money to support her needs financially. 

And her father, ya know I really feel for him because he has had a very hard year; losing his grandfather, then his mother, and his dog. Its really really shitty but it also should be an eye opener to wake the fuck up and take life by the damn reigns and do something. He was for a hot minute. Was even sending his daughter money each week, it wasnt much and it was like pulling nails with my damn teeth in order to get just enough to barely pay for some of her expenses that he should be helping with anyway, but it was something and that something is more than he has ever done in the past. Now, apparently nothing is good and he doesnt want to talk about it and he cant wait till this or that happens so he can revert to his little selfish shell again. Well good for fucking him that he can revert to a shell whenever the fuck he wants. Good for him that everyone sees me as the mean one for calling him out on being a selfish prick for doing it. Good for him that he doenst have to see his daughter cry when she wants to talk to him or see him but he isnt around the phone or hes sleeping or hes busy talking to someone else so she will just have to wait. I hope he is fucking happy with that and yes blame me cause I moved away from him and his crazy drama. That I couldnt put up with the emotional, physical, and mental abuse and constant flux in anger, aggression, possession, and constant apologies. Yup everyone can go on and blame me because I tried and then I tried again and the last ditch effort turned out that I couldnt be nice anymore. Im a bitch now, I admit it. I cannot look at people the same or talk to them in the same sweet tone I once did, once they cross that line with me, once they make me shut off the "give a damn switch", as much as I want to I cant turn it back on. I physically cannot pretend. Im cold, Im blunt, Im unapologetic of sarcasm, and I turn into this side of me that I am not. Well, hes done it again and now there isnt anything I can do. I want to feel for him and I want to be nice but now I see its pointless. In some ways I am kind of happy and in others I am kind of scared. What is going to happen when those papers reach his door this time? 

Well, in light of the fact my neck is now starting to hurt, its about midnight, and I think I have successfully emptied out a large portion of the shit keeping my brain awake; I am going to try and go to sleep. I dont know what is going to happen with my munchkins father, I dont know whats going to happen with all of the stuff I wrote at the beginning, I dont know if any of it matters in the bigger picture, and as I have said many times before I am beginning to think that my life is meant to be a lonly one, but I will say this, even in the darkest times there is always a light somewhere waiting to show you the way through.  You just have to open your eyes. And believe me, my eyes are beginning to open. My heart is, I think either in the process of closing off or has closed off, or was closed off and is now trying to open, I dont really know, but the fact that I dont know is a bit comforting because as least not knowing is better then just all negative and for this very brief moment I will take my ignorance until my ignorance isnt a good thing anymore. Good night or good morning, whatever and where ever you might be. 

Wife Swap

Today, I was having a pretty great day. Class wasnt all that bad, I woke up early enough for not only me to get a shower in the morning instead of at night but for the munchkin to get her shower and eat without eating on the run. It was the little victories that made today pretty great. Took two competencies (tests/lab tests) at school today and I am pretty sure I did really well and even though I got an 87 on a written exam that I was sure I would get a 100 on, I was still proud of how well I did. Seriously, today was a smile day!! That was until a teacher I havent had much contact with since my first semester in school text me and said that she needed to see me after school tomorrow. I already had to move around 2 clients looking to get their hair done because I normally do not have class on Fridays. That is money that I desperately need to pay my bills. But instead of missing a day in class and putting my future goals on the back burner, I did the responsible and motivated thing and just switched stuff around. Do you know how many people in my class and in others that are missing tomorrow? I am literally going to be sitting in lecture with maybe three people. But, anyway, I get this text from her and she wont even say what the meeting will be about but just that it isnt good and for me to have a nice night. How in the hell am I suppose to have a nice night when I know that there is something that I am walking into at school tomorrow? That even though I am a good student, an A student, and really one of the only ones actively trying to keep people participating in a special club that is suppose to help us but really only causes more drama; am in some kind of trouble or something when I havent done anything wrong?????? Yes, normal people would probly brush this off and be like who cares but unfortunately I am one of those kinds of people that care. I work my ass off to keep in good standing at school and maintain good grades. I am a passionate person and when I am driven to do something I cannot just shut it off. Normally, this passion is diverted to work and that is how I got to where I was prior to this fucked up year but I have motivated myself back into kicking ass and taking names again. Yes, I know I have a loud mouth and I put my foot down about a lot of stuff. I am very strong willed, hardworking, and educated. I am not a child and I will not be treated like one. It is my God given right to speak my mind and ask as many questions as I so choose if I feel something isnt right or if I just want to. 

Which brings me to my next topic, I was watching wife swap earlier to kind of calm down and not continually over think this whole thing, and this woman is on there that makes her children sign a citizen agreement in order to be considered a citizen (member) of the family EVERY SINGLE MONTH. They have some pretty strict rules and are lavished with very expensive shit if they maintain their citizenship. They are so brainwashed into thinking that this piece of paper is like gold or something that when the new wife who is crazy and messy and stuff tears it apart they try to tape it back together and ball their eyes out over it because that is there "trophy" for being perfect. I get how that could work but also I get how its completely fucking up those kids. This family is pretty well off but the daughter was crying for just some quality time with her father at the beginning of the show, and through out the whole show the mom to this fucked up family cannot even speak with the father of the other family without calling him a slob or fatty or some other kind of insult. She even got in a fighter stance against him when he told her she needed to leave cause she was just yelling insults at him. Then the next episode was about a family of (no joke) pirates from Oregon. Great idea, horrible follow through. If you are going to be a pirate,  then really live like a pirate. Get a house boat or something LOL! Anyway, while they were on the swap the mom from the complete opposite very organized and healthy family had to pay like $459 while there to keep the lights and gas on. She pulled that money out of her pocket like it was nothing and paid those bills and fixed the  disorganized mess that was their pirate abode'. On the other hand the pirate mom made the little girl of the organized family cry because she compared mopping a floor to slave labor and the little girl was like "No, we just like living in a clean house!" Which I get. I get both sides, the free spirited and easy going pirates and the organized and got their shit together family. I have lived and can relate to both families, well Ive never been a pirate but there was a very brief period of my life that I didnt care about anything and was so disorganized it was complete bullshit. I do not look at my life at that point as anything to be proud of though. And then there was this other family that were ubber religious and controlling of their children. They even controlled their 18 year old son on EVERY aspect of his life. The schedule for the whole family was written out weeks in advance and to the damn minute of what they should and need to be doing at all times. The kids werent allowed to watch any shows that were PG13 or considered in any way pornography. There is a limit to controlling children. And when the father was confronted about why he was controlling his children, he said because people with choices choose to smoke crack and sleep around with all kinds of people. I was like whatever! Good people choose to save lives, to make people smile, to go beyond what was asked of them. People with choices move mountains. Not every person with a choice makes the bad one. They are taking the free will away from their children and masking it with religion and forced contentedness. You must be happy that I have your entire world planned out and you will do everything I tell you to do and everything I tell you to do is the best thing in the world ever! No you crazy nazi! Parents make the wrong choices too! People are not perfect, having every minute of the day planned out isnt the besting thing in the world and forcing your children to fit into this tiny little christian mold of perfection is not going to end well. There need to be a balance people! Balance the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the mess and the organization. There need to be some slightly controlled chaos and never be content when you could be happy.