It really sucks when you are lying in bed, so ready to fall asleep and you just cant. You start reliving all these old haunting memories that you would literally pay to get rid of and thoughts that you wish more than anything would go away. That for once you could find peace in the present no matter what was going on or stressors that were trying with all their might to hold you in a world of unnecessary worry and doubt.
So, of course in your' diluted delirium of late night self doubt you watch stupid videos posted on facebook and guess what!?! They end up making you question your own worth to others as well. Forget your' petty thoughts of self doubt. Truth is you know your worth and then you see the lack of worth to others. Its disheartening. You start thinking well what if I had Alzheimer's, would he who I love do half of the shit this old man is doing for that old woman or would he stick me in a home and walk away because that is the easy thing to do and no one has ever does the hard thing anymore. Then I look at the one that is and does show me he cares and I think of all the times Ive cried and died a little over people that would never even dare do half the shit he does. It raises the age old question of am I constantly punishing myself for something? Am I guarding myself from true potential because being hurt, neglected, alone, and forgotten are actually the easier thing for me as well? Do I expect it and yet die inside because of it? Are my tears actually a waste because deep down I knew he would turn and run again. Deep down I knew that he was a bad choice, and has always been a bad choice. Deep down I am just filled with bad choices covered up with good intentions and hopes and dreams of aspirations that will never come to true? These are the thoughts of a mind that cannot shut off after a long night of studying and finishing homework that should have been done on Friday night, but oh no you forgot to do those last three pages. Yay!
In other news, I went with my awesome little munchkin to the Museum of History and it was pretty great! Smaller then I thought it would be but I also didnt get to go into a huge portion of the downstairs area cause it had a special exhibit you had to pay to get into and my ass is broke. So.....Yeah. The munchkin enjoyed herself very much though and I learned some great details. Like the club that I went to a few weeks ago to celebrate a girls birthday from class was right around the corner! I laughed so hard cause I couldnt for the life of me find that damn club at first and oh its just a corner away from the Museum of History. LOL! I also found out that you dont have to pay to park in the city during the weekends or most major holidays which is seriously bad ass! Most cities that Ive lived in or traveled through, Ive had to feed that meter no matter what day of the week it was.
Next weekend we are going hiking. I really wanted to go today but for some reason the last few weeks its been raining a bunch. I am not complaining cause we seriously needed the rain and for goodness sake I hope it doesnt stop. I prefer the humidity and the temps not reaching a million degrees like every day. BUT, I didnt want to chance getting rained out when neither one of us have proper hiking boots yet and hopefully by next weekend I could either find some or borrow some from someone.
Also, hopefully by next weekend Ill have some money rolling through again. I quit one job cause of the bs and cause I had another job, and then I injure my damn knee have no idea how I injured it, and then the day that I am set to come back to work, everyone gets laid off. WTF! -_- This is why I prefer being the management, its harder for them to just lay you off. On the other hand, that is what I get for trying to take a job because its "less demanding" and "theres less responsibility" fuck that. I just gotta step it back up and bite the damn bullet. I really dont want to because that means less time with my daughter and I already feel like our time is strained but damnit cant do right by her with barely any money to support her needs financially.
And her father, ya know I really feel for him because he has had a very hard year; losing his grandfather, then his mother, and his dog. Its really really shitty but it also should be an eye opener to wake the fuck up and take life by the damn reigns and do something. He was for a hot minute. Was even sending his daughter money each week, it wasnt much and it was like pulling nails with my damn teeth in order to get just enough to barely pay for some of her expenses that he should be helping with anyway, but it was something and that something is more than he has ever done in the past. Now, apparently nothing is good and he doesnt want to talk about it and he cant wait till this or that happens so he can revert to his little selfish shell again. Well good for fucking him that he can revert to a shell whenever the fuck he wants. Good for him that everyone sees me as the mean one for calling him out on being a selfish prick for doing it. Good for him that he doenst have to see his daughter cry when she wants to talk to him or see him but he isnt around the phone or hes sleeping or hes busy talking to someone else so she will just have to wait. I hope he is fucking happy with that and yes blame me cause I moved away from him and his crazy drama. That I couldnt put up with the emotional, physical, and mental abuse and constant flux in anger, aggression, possession, and constant apologies. Yup everyone can go on and blame me because I tried and then I tried again and the last ditch effort turned out that I couldnt be nice anymore. Im a bitch now, I admit it. I cannot look at people the same or talk to them in the same sweet tone I once did, once they cross that line with me, once they make me shut off the "give a damn switch", as much as I want to I cant turn it back on. I physically cannot pretend. Im cold, Im blunt, Im unapologetic of sarcasm, and I turn into this side of me that I am not. Well, hes done it again and now there isnt anything I can do. I want to feel for him and I want to be nice but now I see its pointless. In some ways I am kind of happy and in others I am kind of scared. What is going to happen when those papers reach his door this time?
Well, in light of the fact my neck is now starting to hurt, its about midnight, and I think I have successfully emptied out a large portion of the shit keeping my brain awake; I am going to try and go to sleep. I dont know what is going to happen with my munchkins father, I dont know whats going to happen with all of the stuff I wrote at the beginning, I dont know if any of it matters in the bigger picture, and as I have said many times before I am beginning to think that my life is meant to be a lonly one, but I will say this, even in the darkest times there is always a light somewhere waiting to show you the way through. You just have to open your eyes. And believe me, my eyes are beginning to open. My heart is, I think either in the process of closing off or has closed off, or was closed off and is now trying to open, I dont really know, but the fact that I dont know is a bit comforting because as least not knowing is better then just all negative and for this very brief moment I will take my ignorance until my ignorance isnt a good thing anymore. Good night or good morning, whatever and where ever you might be.
No comments:
Post a Comment