Have you ever loved someone so much it literally hurt? And yet you hate them, you hate all the pain they keep causing you, you hate the memories of happiness cause they were all a lie, and you hate that you love them so much that even if you wanted to, you couldnt ever actually hate them down to the core. UGH!!!!!
FUCK!!!!!!
I dont want to write about him anymore! I dont want to break down and cry anymore! I dont want to show concern about something he randomly fucking messages me and tells me and then makes me feel like shit because I fucking care!!!
Who does that???
I have been having a great week. Class has been hectic but I have, as usual, been kicking ass and keeping a high grade. I also got the go ahead to plan a fundraiser for Operation Smile. I have been trying to get the go ahead on that for about four weeks! My director finally gave me the go ahead after I just walked in her office and made her talk to me.
My munchkin is testing on a first grade level and she is only in pre-K. Can you even imagine how excited and glowing with pride I was finding that out?!? My little diva is amazing! She is an over dramatic, diva, princess, whiny butt, but she is my little over dramatic, smart, caring, diva, princess, whiny butt! And I love her so much!!!!
My kilt wearing rock star has been doing so much to make me smile. He is definitely my rock during hard times and I hope that I am still his. I even get to start work with him this week, which I am very excited about. Doing random LP things, hair on the side, and cleaning houses isnt helping as much as I need it too. I should have toughed it out and kept working with the retail company I was, but after my friend Bea hooked me u with a far less demanding job, and I was still dealing with all the BS from that stupid mexican bitch punching me in the face and chipping my tooth, I thought I was making the right move. Then, I somehow fucked up my knee and then everyone was let go cause the management at that place didnt know how to do simple shrink reports. So, until now I have been scrapping up whatever small job or client I could get to pay the bills and keep my head somewhat a float. Him taking my resume and passing it up to his boss was more of a blessing then he will ever know.
And for this job, I have to wear Khakis. FUCK KHAKIS!! Most people can pull them off, they look good in them, and they are comfortable wearing them. For some, wearing khakis even looks professional. For me, I look like shit in them. I hate the way they look on me, and it takes me forever to find a pair that fits me anywhere near well enough to look remotely professional. If they fit my big booty, they dont fit my waist and make me look like I have a package or something. Or, they are those kind of khakis with no shape, doesnt hug you anywhere, making me look HUGE! I finally lost some more weight, I am not aiming to look huge in anything.
But, I am going to tough it out, wear these stupid things cause that is what is required of me, I REALLY need the money, and I am not going to let him down. He stuck his neck out for me and I feel like I have done nothing but let people down recently. Not going to do that to him anymore.
Well, I have to get back to finishing this cleaning and get to my onboarding for the new job. Hopefully, writing all of this and focusing on that will help get me back to not feeling this shit again. I dont want to think about him anymore. I dont want to remember the good times because they were all a lie. I dont even want him to cross my mind because he doesnt care and truly never has. There are very few people in this world that have ever truly cared and I am going to start focusing on them instead of people that clearly dont.
No comments:
Post a Comment