Didnt mean to hurt me

There are many things in this life that we all wish we could take back. Harsh words said in anger being one of them.

The night before last, my ex love of my life/high school sweet heart, text me and literally got me so upset I became a drone basically. I was so focused on my damn phone, beyond hurt, and I let him have every single bad thought that came across my brain. I said some pretty terrible things. But everything I said was true. I listed all the ways hes hurt me, lied to me, used me, and pushed me away for bullshit. I don't think I was cruel but I was very direct and very harsh. He pushed me to that point and then had nothing much to say in return. He probably never expected me to let go and be like that to him.

I have always been understanding, which annoyed him. I have always been forgiving, which frustrated him. I have always told him and showed him that I loved him, and he hated me for it.

Well, our convo ended and we didn't talk at all yesterday. It was a pretty good day. I did great in class, went out to dinner with my kilt wearing rock star and my munchkin, and went on an apartment cleaning spree. Yes, I know that I was still kind of frustrated and Im still upset about everything but I was a lot calmer than I have been in years.

I don't regret what I said to him, I know I could have said a few things differently but at the same time so could he. I never found my life "miserable" with him. I was content with waiting for him while he was deployed. I sacrificed a lot for him and when I make that kind of commitment to someone, this usually happens. I get hurt. I get stomped on. I get lied to and then I am left. They never stick around when I give my full heart. They never keep up the love that they used to get me to let my guard down and trust them. He never has, in ten years this has always been the ending. He always gets me to the level that I trust him again, and I forgive him. I even start thinking about a future with him (naively). Then he becomes distant, blames it on work or school, nit picks everything I do (even if its a good thing for him), and then he breaks my heart and makes sure he breaks it really good.

He text me really late last night that he never meant to hurt me or make me upset. He might have been genuine but I digress. All I wrote back was that I never meant to make his life "Miserable" which he claimed I did a lot and then he claimed that no, he was just a miserable person. Then he called me a bitch. So, again, don't know whether or not was being genuine last night or not and at this point Im really losing my care to know.

I do not need anyone in my life that doesn't want to be there. I do not want to make anyone's life miserable. Or do things, plan places to go, etc that would make them miserable or that would make them relive past fucked up situations but when I am the only one being honest and open, when I am the only one caring; yeah I might make the wrong choices.

With my munchkins father, he tried to make my life miserable, he tried to trap me in Arkansas. He did everything he could to break me and tear me down. He was so resentful of me. I tried to be a good woman to him, stayed with him even though I had plenty of reasons to leave and plenty of reasons to fuck his life up. However, he is doing a very good job of that on his own. He didn't truly want a family. He isn't ready for any of this and when he snapped and did something that completely crossed any and all lines, I snapped my care and try for him. I love him because he is the father of my child. He shouldn't have been the father of my child but he is so, I gave him more chances then I ever should. Now that his mother has passed away, he barely makes an effort to call his daughter. He was sending money for about two months but it wasn't anything big and per usual it has stopped and he has stopped caring again.

I sure know how to pick some fucked up people to try and care about.

I have gotten that line of "I didn't mean to hurt you" so many times its complete bullshit to my ears now. Doesn't mean a damn thing to me unless the person saying it still has my trust.

Once you have broke me, once you have crossed that line, once you have demoralized me to the point that I just really cant anymore, then those kinds of statements don't mean shit. If you loved me as much as you said you did, you would have been around. You would have tried. You wouldn't have hurt me to begin with. You would have given me a damn chance instead of judging me and then throwing me aside.

EVEN THOUGH I have done nothing wrong. All I wanted was to see you. All I wanted was to be a good woman to you like I was raised to be. NO I do not play into all the sexist bullshit and NO I am not your average woman but when someone is good to me, I am good to them. Specifically, I like to cook (food makes everyone happy), I like to be around that person, I like to do things they like to do (because chances are I liked doing whatever it was before I knew this other person liked doing it), and I like to do some other gender specific things to show my gratitude and love for that person. I am fierce, I am passionate, and sometimes that can be overwhelming.

I have learned some major life lessons from all of this. I have seen some sides of some people that I thought I knew but now know better. I have released a lot of anger and pain that I have been holding onto for entirely too long. This has been heart  wrenching and a complete disaster. I lost someone that I really cared about down to my core. He was truly my first love and has been such a part of my life for so long. I didn't know how I could go on if I ever lost him. I lost myself for a while last year when he first really broke my heart but I picked myself back up and now that he has done it again....I feel like I am in a good place. I have pretty much come to terms with everything that he has done and said to me. I don't feel like I am bound to him anymore. I don't feel like my heart would literally break and I would literally die since he isn't here. Yes for a brief moment I wished total harm on him, but I wont do that again. I have no reason to.

Its the worst thing to harm someone that you love deeply and whom you have promised so much to, only to renege on all of it because of fear.

I am just the type of person that if I love you, I wont try to intentionally hurt you because of how much I love you and that it is frightening. I embrace that passion and love for you. I go full force when I am given the all clear to go full force. I normally end up crushed, hurt, lied to, cheated on, and alone but I refuse to be any other way because of fear or because of how badly I was hurt by him or by anyone else. I have this heart for a reason. I have this level of love to give for a reason. I was apparently trying to give it to the wrong person for ten years but I still have it.