YAY!! New Years!!! And I dont have shit to do =(

Happy New Years everyone!! 

I have never been more happy to see a year go. 

Last year at this time it was horrible and 2011 kept that going all damn year. Starting at the very fucking beginning when I almost died and had four surgeries to save my life.

Yes, I am thankful that I am alive and that although a whole bunch of bullshit happened this year (including my car getting flooded out with myself and my daughter in it) I have made it through. I made it through the surgeries. I made it through getting laid off, I made it through my car getting fucked up, I made it through all this bs with Cody, and I made it through to this New Years! I made it through this horrible year with broader and beautiful goals/dreams coming true for 2012.

I am back in school and working towards a goal that I made simply to make myself happy. I am through trying to make others happy or censoring myself for their benefit. I only have one life and life has shown me all year how easy it is to loose that one life or have it misguided into bad situations. 

Regardless of what anyone has to say about 2012, I hope it to be an amazing year. And I do not believe that it will all end next December, maybe the world will change in some way or Aliens will come back but I truly do not believe that the world will end. 

Okay, onto what happened at school the last few day.

Half of the class, the half that was there before my class started took their workshop finals and are leaving into the next stage, as if they were Juniors now. Like I am no longer a freshman, I am now a sophomore and we will be getting in a new batch of Freshman on Tuesday. It is awesome! Everyone was so amped up on Friday. We were all doing something different and trying to get everything done. Well everyone that was moving into the other class was. Everyone that is in my class was doing up do's and I made third place. =) Which is great, it means I dont totally suck but I was really hoping for first. I need more practice. After Ms. Kita got done with hers I knew I wasnt going to win. She didnt even win though! Another woman did that is a barber. She has never done an up do in her life before, the only reason she did so wonderful was because she did a sleek up do. Something you would see on a black woman any day of the week, it wasnt a formal up do and that was suppose to be the contest. Whatever, I know I did well. 

28 Minutes till new years!!!!! 
And I am sitting at home watching lost with nothing else to do. My munchkin is asleep and although it was great cuddling with her for a while, I am bored as hell. I dont want to say that I wish I was somewhere else because I dont. I wish I was doing something fun but I guess that will have to do something awesome next year. I know that some time in this new year I am going to start having some fun again. I will go out and have a blast once again and start having some damn fun. I know I am a mother and I have responsibilities. I am not saying that I am going to forget about that. She means more to me than anything else in the world and when it comes to her, I dont give a flying fuck about anything else. I am just saying that I am going to start having some fun for myself on a semi regular basis. I deserve it and I have big plans for this year. 
1. I am going to drop 45 + pounds 
2. I am going to have some damn fun
3. I am going to do everything I can for Alyssa 
4. I am not going to let the past drive my future anymore
5. I am going to stay thankful for the blessings I have been blessed with, starting first and foremost with my daughter. 
6. I am going to graduate with honors and job options. 
7. I am going to continue my other degrees and graduate with them later. But start at the end of 2012. 
8. I am going to make new friends and keep them/ become a better more attentive friend than I have been.
9. I am going to buy a new car.
10. I am going to challenge myself every single week to do something better, for the best, for change, for a new beginning, and for the best of my little families future. 


Happy New Years!!! 
Hope yall all had a great night and drive home safe =) 

People want to be so hostile

So, is it me or is the world just becoming more and more hostile as a whole?

I was just talking to my ex Kevin and good lord he was being such a jerk. First he wants to start the converstation by saying that I have been ignoring him. Which, isnt true by any stand point. Him and I have always been cool. Even when he broke my heart. We are still friends and talk no matter what. 

I mean hell, he was my first love but that is besides the point. 

Then, he started ignoring me! No doubt it was to talk to someone else. 

I honestly dont care. I just dont. 

Everyone is so quick to pop off with a hostile, mean, or snappy comment and it actually makes me even more pissed off because I catch myself being like that now. I dont like snapping at people, especially people that dont deserve the snapping attitude. 

We all just need a little "fuck it juice" and chill time. Everyone, come on get happy! 

Seriously, every single time I get pissed off I sit down to myself and I list five to ten things that I am thankful for depending on how upset I am. Kinda puts my life in prospective. And seriously, no one can not list at least five things they are thankful for. Yes, I know I get on here and I vent about everything that is going wrong or who pissed me off but this is my outlet and I know I am far more blessed than most. 

Everyone, and I do mean everyone has at least five fucking things they can say to themselves that they know they are thankful for and are blessed with. For starters, you arnt entirely broke and destitute- you are reading a fucking blog off of the internet, which means you are at a computer that is connected to the internet and electricity...three things right there that you are fortunate to have and are able to use. You are breathing, your brain is functioning, and your able to compose intelligent thought..there are three more things. Fuck that means we are already at six. Damn arnt I good?! 

My main point is, no matter what is bringing you down or pissing you off you can always find at least five to ten things that can bring you back up and make you happy and thankful. I found this out trying to keep myself from a mental breakdown and hopefully that doesnt happen to you.

Now everyone, 

Come on get happy! 

I feel oh so pretty, oh so pretty, oh so wtf

 I feel Pretty 

 Oh So Pretty =)

 OH SO PRETTY TODAY!!!!! 

That is right! Today I felt oh so pretty at school because I finally treated myself to some pretty making stuff called makeup. 

I have never been one to really paint my face, I do believe in natural beauty and the fact that some people just have it. 

However, I wasnt feeling that pretty today due to some stress induced acne flair ups and what makes is better for that then some top of the line cover me all over make up! 

I made sure that my daughter was taken care of for Christmas and she has everything that she needs, so why cant I spoil myself just a little bit? 

Class was great today! I was feeling the love all around and everyone was in much better moods. It was wonderful!!! I also made a 100 on one of my quizzes !! Yay!! Go me!! I even woke up early this morning and got to have a nice long hot shower and use out my new razor and awesome shower gel. I must say, today kicked some major ass and I loved almost every minute of it. 

Of course you know where I am going to go from that though. It was great until I got home and the house was destroyed; again. And, the damn Netflix got shut off. I know who has the money right now to pay it but he wont. He will make me do it and guess what that isnt going to happen. I am so fucking sorry but every single bill in this damn house isnt my responsibility and it isnt my mothers either. All he knows what to do is play that fucking game and talk smack to his man friend. Ugh!!!!!!! It is so infuriating!!!!!!! 

I have a wonderful fucking day and that sorry piece of man can ruin it with one look, one word, or the left state of things because he doesnt know what it means to take five fucking minutes to clean up after you daughter that you were suppose to be watching all day, but it is clear you werent paying that much attention because there are things out all over the damn floor that she shouldnt be playing with or into. I am so fucking happy that I am putting her into this preschool. Yes, it is a school not a daycare. She is too smart and curious to be put into just a daycare with no structure or curriculum. Plus, for some reason it is cheaper. Comes with everything that the daycare came with, plus she actually has class and a learning environment. I cannot wait. 

I have said this before and I will say it again, it isnt that he is a bad father because he is a good dad but he cannot multitask and lacks the main common sense that a person needs while watching a toddler. She isnt a baby anymore and she isnt quite the age to really know right or wrong and you have to be the one to find the middle ground. I know it but I am naturally very nurturing and a good mother. Some men just dont naturally pick up on shit like that, infact most dont but its really fucking aggravating. 

So what am I doing?

Sitting in my own little room while my munchkin is taking her nap and just chilling out. I really dont feel like fighting or being pissed off. I just dont. It requires too much damn energy and to be honest I have a bit of a headache and just dont need my blood pressure going haywire like that. I mean fuck, I really do not want to have an anurism because of that bullshit. 

I may even pop me in a disney movie and pass out just to chill, ya know. 

Well, I might write more later. 

Peace out!!! 

Happy Christmas everyone

I am very proud to write that my munchkin had a great christmas! 

Some how I managed to get her some really freaking awesome presents and she loved being around all that family. Even though I still feel thoroughly out of place around all of them. Dont get me wrong these people are wonderful and I appreciate everything that they have done but I have never been that comfortable around any family, including my own.

I am great in like a smaller family function but at a big one I prefer to be in the corner or just around people I really know. 

That being said I am also a great contradiction, if I feel like the get together is beginning to be stale or conversations are heading in the wrong direction, I will become the life of the party and center of attention. 

I am so weird, sometimes I even freak myself out. 

Anyway back to today and the awesome time that AJ had. 

She got up early this morning with my mom and then they woke me up. She was so adorable and had no idea what was going on. But she was seriously excited! Every single present that she opened was even more exciting than the last. When she got done here we all went to her great grandparent and then to her papa's. She had so much fun and was so adorable. She was so tuckered out by the time we got home that she passed smooth out. I am actually pretty surprised that she is up right now because she was so exhausted. 

Well I will write more in a bit please feel free to comment on how your holidays went and any special traditions you shared with loved ones. =) 

ahdfilaqkfhjaskxdbfwei

I am so fucking tired of having to repeat myself. I know for a damn fact that I have a loud voice, so why the hell do people ask me or ignore me when I say something??? It makes absolutely no fucking sense! 

I get yelled at and faught with because of the way that I talk, the fact my voice carries, and the fact I know how to use my voice but people want to act like they cant fucking hear me! It is ridiculous!!!!!!!!!! 

In class, people want to act like I am not talking or they cant hear me, until its time for public presentations or group reading and then, "Oh, have Anna do it she has a great voice!"

At home, people want to ignore me  and act like I didnt say shit to them, just because they dont want to act like fucking adults and get shit done.

I am done with it. People want to act like they cant hear me, then they just wont. I refuse to waste my breath on people that dont give a fuck about what I have to say, even if it is something they need to know or hear. Fuck it! I will only talk when I have to or have something very important to say. 

The day before yesterday was not a very good one at all. Some bitch at school wanted to start shit with me cause I asked all of them to be quiet so we could study for a test that guess what!? The entire class failed! So, she popped me in the back with a big ass rubber band. It took everything in me not to pop her right in the face and lay her out. If I would have done that, I would have been expelled. Awesome! So, I just kept my mouth shut and twirled that rubber band around in my hand until it was time to leave. Apparently, that scared the shit out of them cause they didnt mess with me at all yesterday. That and if I would have laid her out, I would have been just as childish as she was being. We are adults and that whole situation just sounds like something that would have happened in junior high. Grow the fuck up! 

When I got home though, the entire house was a mess (big surprise!) and I was exhausted. Didnt even get to watch an episode of lost before AJ and I went 'nigh night'. I woke up at 4a.m this morning though. Which would have been great had I decided to go to school but I cleaned for four hours and I am still not done. God, its like these people never learned how to clean their entire lives. I know Cody never did but his mother should have. She is such a pack rat and is really starting to piss me off. 

She gets up this morning, after an entire week of telling me how much she doesnt want Cody driving her car and asks if I will get him to drive me to school. That was when I decided to clean the entire house instead. I would rather run around here like a chicken with my head cut off, dusting, vaccuuming, washing, and picking up Alyssa's toys than try to wake him up for anything. I knew that since AJ and I went to bed early he stayed up all fucking night playing that damn playstation and I dont want to deal with it. Then she goes back to bed and comes back out around nine and just looks around looking pissed off. Maybe because I cleaned the entire house, or maybe I cleaned up all of her fucking mess and bagged up all of her papers for her to go through; I dont fucking care. I was so tired of listening to her bitch and moan about the house being cluttered and a mess and then not do shit about it. Maybe it wouldnt be so cluttered and a mess if you cleaned up some of your own fucking papers. Do you really have to keep everything that comes into the house? Between her and Cody and their damn hoarding natures I am going to go nuts. I cannot stay in a house that is that messy and I refuse to have my daughter in a house like that. Im not saying that this house is the messiest in the nation or even in this zip code but my mother was really ocd when I was younger and now there are just certain things that I cannot deal with and a cluttered messy house just over whelms me.

That is another thing I am done with. 

It has been three months today, that we have been married. I am done. Three months, and he doesnt have  a clue. Not one fucking clue. He doesnt care. Most people would be celebrating this day but he is still laying in his bed being a dick head and not acknowledging his own daughter is wanting him to wake up. We dont sleep in the same room, he pisses me off so much with his bullshit that he literally repulses me, and he doesnt even care. 

He makes me truly believe that I dont deserve anything better at times, and I literally have to smack that out of my own head. I do deserve better than this. I am worth much more, others see it. Even when I am not at my best. Others would be celebrating this day with me and would have woke up earlier than me to make breakfast in bed for me, would have a gift (even if it was home made or cheesy), and would celebrate because they would want 3 more months, 3 more years, 3 more decades, 3 more life times....

He just doesnt make the effort to care about me. 

I want some one that cares if I am not there, doesnt see a day as better because I am away at work or school, doesnt put material things/wants/habits before me or our little family, and would travel a thousand miles just to get me because they couldnt live without me any longer. Someone that picks or buys me flowers just because. Someone that  knows I love white roses and detest red roses. Someone that takes the time to figure me out before expecting anything in return. Someone that puts me first as their queen, so that I can put them forth as my king. Someone that respects, accepts, and understands my descisions, opinions, and reasons why I am asking for something to be done. I want someone that I can love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. 

I see that the grass is greener on the other side, I am just scared to jump over the very tall fence. I will do it eventually though, you know that. You know that I am getting so tired of this dry barren land over here and that tornado of dark, deep, depression is gathering far to closely. The closer it gets, the smaller that fence looks. 

I was suppose to have a job interview this week but the guy wasnt there and then he wanted to reschedule for yesterday and I couldnt do it. I couldnt miss class yesterday. Today isnt a big deal but yesterday was. And he cant do today because it is going to be really busy. Whatever. I wish I could just win the lottery and not have to worry about this shit. I cannot wait till I graduate. Things will be so much easier. College degree and license in hand and maybe Ill be able to make it better.   

should be sleeping

"I set out on a narrow way,

Many years ago. 

Hoping I would find true love,

along the broken road. 

But I got lost a time or two,

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through. 

I couldnt see how every sign, 

Pointed straight to you."

When I first heard this song I dreampt of the day that a man would fill my heart with such love and devotion. That some day I would be led to the love of my life and it would go like this song. I never knew that it could be about anything else. That was, until I started singing it one day to this little baby growing inside of my belly and that was the first time I felt her kick. There I was just walking around work, singing to myself this song and she started to kick. The first kick, ever since then this song has been hers. I sing it to her almost every single night and I wouldnt have it any other way. 

I was too young to know back then that love came in many forms and although I fought to find love, I normally found it in all the wrong places. Or, it wasnt love at all. 

I once thought that I could sing that song about my husband but I know better now. There were a few people that I wished I could whole heartedly sing that song about but it never felt right or I was broken hearted at the end. 

Tonight when I sang that song to my little munchkin, although I was filled with joy, my stomach also turned because I couldnt sing it about the person I made vows with. Probably because those vows didnt mean shit to him and he never wanted a family to begin with but mostly because I loathe him for all of his selfish and lazy agenda. How am I suppose to stay in this house with someone that I love, but wish I could have missed that first kiss with? How do I keep what I never had? 

I guess I am just in a depressed mood right now but I cannot really help it. All of these things are bashing around in my head and fucking Christmas is right around the corner. Another year is gone and I can never get that year back. Not that I want this year back but that time is gone and I fucked up alot of it because I was scared and trying to stay in good graces of the wrong people. That will not happen again. 

"Super Memory" Pill etc..

Hello everyone! My day was alright, how was yours? 

School wasnt half bad, another day of not having to work cause some bitch desided to change the schedule to save her own neck but guess what I found out. She still ended up fucking up and the other manager that was my friend got her own store. So yay for her, I pray her all that best. Kinda sucks that it all had to happen this way and I was a casualty of their war. 

Whatever, I have a job interview tomorrow and I pray that I get it. 

Tonight there was a huge blow up in this house because I hadnt shared the information with everyone in here. I never share 100% of what is going on in my world and that is how I stay safe. How I think that I keep myself safe. Well, the info came out to one person who promised me it wouldnt get around to everyone else and guess what it did. I am not proud of not having a job, even if it is for just a few days.

I hate people thinking that they know what is going on in my head or thinking that they can talk about what is going on in my world. Unless you are involved and share part of the story please keep your useless negativity and gossip away from my name. Infact just keep mine and my daughters name out of your mouths period. I dont like to gossip about other people and I would prefer it that I was not gossiped about. Although I prefer to stay private about certain things, I am also an open book. What you see is what you get and if you want to know something about me just ask me. 

On a totally different note, I read that Kim Jong Il of North Korea died. Yay! Another tyrant is gone! Another one will take his place. Maybe his mysterious son will be better, maybe not. I honestly havent done enough research to be totally one way or another about it. I know what I was taught in school and I know what I have seen over seas. When I was in Vietnam it was a great fear of many to even come any where near Korea. We had to have armed guards with every single place that we went and we had to stay in groups no matter if it was just to the restroom at the hospital. I really hope and pray that there will be peace in those nations. Peace around the globe. I hope and pray that even though war is money, we will find a way to be prosperous in peace. All of us. Some way, I hope that things get better for Korea. For all of us. 

On another astonishing note, scientists have isolated a gene in mice that works to give them super memories, which means that a cure for Alzhiemers and possible a super memory pill for human isnt far off. I was excited when I first read about this and then "I am Legend" flashed through my mind. I always get weary about things like this because what are the negative consequences? Sure we will eventually have a super memory, but what are going to be the side effects? Are we all going to become Zombies from taking a super memory pill? I know one thing for sure, I am not going to be taking the first batch of it. Maybe not even the second or third. Hell, they might not have a good batch of medications until I am actually in need of it when I get really old, or when my daughter gets really old. I am hopeful of the future and wish those scientists all the luck in the world because it would be amazing to not have to worry about Alzhiemers, or forgetting why I walked into a room but I am not going to jump on the first bandwagon for it. 

The last thing that I want to write about is the creepy Kardashian christmas card. I am so freaking sorry if this pisses anyone off but what the fuck where they thinking? Christmas cards are suppose to be happy, family oriented, and ya know about christmas. That picture was one of the creepiest ones I have ever seen. The entire color pallet was cold and none of them were smiling. I could kind of see how they were going for a fashion forward thing; trying to be cotour(however you spell it)  or something but it was just stupid. Not to mention that the mother, Kris Jenner is the only one in any color. She isnt standing lovingly with her husband or anyone else she is font and center with everyone else all around her like she is the big shot or something. Christmas cards are suppose to be family affairs and although every one that is in the family is there, none of them are together in that kind of loving fashion. The two younger girls are doing their own thing, the older brother is off at the corner of the page looking back cause he is singled out, Kim is standing there front and center just like her mother, Khloe and Lamar are the only ones that even look slightly loving, and then there is Kourtney and her little gang and they look all pissy. If I had a little boy that cute I would be snuggly with him. My little girl is twice as cute and I would be snuggly with her regardless of what everyone else was doing in the picture. 

Ill write more in a bit my munchkin is being a terror. In her defense she is trying to help load the dish washer but what helping is in the mind of a almost two year old is not what is helping in the eyes of an adult. 

Calmed down after baking about 4 dozen cookies

I am way less pissed off than I was earlier and now have about four dozen cookies on my kitchen counter. 

I also have the overwhelming urge to cry. 

I am not really sad about it because I could possibly have an even better job but I am sad because of the way that store made me feel. Like my old self again. When I work there, it is like I am stepping back in time when I looked my age, when I felt my age, when the world didnt make sense but it was better that way, and when my heart wasnt constantly broken. When I worked there before I looked healthier, happier, full of energy, and thinner. I would belly dance every single day and the stresses of everything else just melted away up there. It wasnt like that this go around. I will admit I was happier when I was in the store but everything else had changed. I felt the stress, I dont look amazing right now (I look exhausted), and I never get to see my baby cakes. I am a different person and maybe it is for the best because I am so different now. I need to find a new rhythm, a rhythm that is better suited for my current status. 

It is still pretty fucked up that she de-friended me because of this nonsense. You stick by your friends no matter what. Especially, when I have tried and tried with her. I dont understand why people do this to me. I am not someone that can be walked all over. When I am nice, they see it as a weakness, when I care I am caring too much, and when I am selfless in the friendship they take a mile when Im giving an inch. 

Well, enough about all that. 

I read earlier that a cheerleading squad was disqualified from a competition due to the fact that one of their cheerleaders was a boy but dressed like a girl. 

Okay, I have never been that thrilled with cheerleading but come the fuck on. It is 2011, about to be 2012 and they disqualified a cheerleading team because one of them was a cross dresser? That is wrong, totally and completely wrong. It is fucked up! How are we suppose to be all about equality and then bullshit like this happens? It makes no sense. 

On to something else, I saw another article on the 2011 Over-the-top fast food items. It was slightly ridiculous and I am very happy to say that I ate only one item off of the list; only once. The Pizza hut Big Dinner Box. I am also happy that I really didnt eat that much of it because I cannot eat dairy which includes cheese. I also cannot eat anything that is fried. I wish that meant that I was a size eight but it doesnt.Everything else on the list just sounds like it is a heart attack waiting to happen. Like the Burger King Stuffed Steak house burger. Gosh, every single time the commercial came on for that, I just wanted to barf. It looks disgusting and has about 590 calories in just one sandwhich. 

Then there is Dennys Maple Bacon Sundae. Wow, what was everyone's fascination with bacon this year? I am not a huge fan of bacon at all. I am not a fan of pork in general. I love the smell of it though. Cant complain about that. Putting it into a shake however? That is a tad bit stupid. Some people loved it though, put bacon into literally everything. More power to you but I would much rather have a healthy heart and blood flow. 

Have you ever seen the british version of Skins, in all actuality they came up with it first and did a much better job but I am completely fascinated by the show. I am drawn in to the point that I could see myself as one of the characters. I use to be that free spirited, that careless. I do not miss it. Careless activities lead to stupidity and problems. I am however, inspired by the entire spectrum of the show and the emotions involved. 

Fuck this bullshit!

Fuck this bullshit. I am so fucking done with it. 

Okay, so last night I worked and everything was fine, or so I thought it was. I got there on time, worked hard, did everything that was asked of me, and I even tried to raise the moods of the ones that I was working with even though I was rather tired from school and my foot was killing  me. 

None of that mattered though. Nothing that I have done in the last two weeks has mattered. I have run myself ragged, going from school to work to cleaning and taking care of everything else because nothing is ever done. My foot is swollen and I am scared. 

Today I had off. That is what the schedule said last night. So, I got into my cleaning close and started trying to get this mess under control. I was trying to spend alittle bit of time with my little munchkin and I get a text saying that I was suppose to be in at two. I was like what the hell no I am not. I looked at my schedule again, the one that I copied from work and mine says that I am off today so I text that info back. When I called, every other part was correct except for today. How in the hell was a copy wrong on only one day? Apparently I am reading the schedule wrong on just that one day...I was yelled at and then told that I either needed to be in within the next ten minutes or they are going to have to let me go. 

So, I told them the honest truth, I am so sorry but cannot make it. I dont have a babysitter or a way up there. Then I balled my eyes out when I got off the phone. This is bullshit. I made a copy of the schedule and it says that I am not suppose to work tonight. Whatever. 

Oh, then my manager whom is an actual friend and a friend on facebook, defriended me on facebook. Why the hell did she have to do that? I  havent done anything wrong. I hate relying on other people. I trust and love my friends but you never truly know some one until they show their true colors. I tied.  I really did. I was still trying. I love working and I love school. I cannot choose between the two because the both are needed for my future. Thank goodness I have an interview on Tuesday. I would be very worried if not. 

Nope currently I am just pissed off and I cannot even write my full thoughts right now because of it. So I will come back later when my mind isnt so stressed and jumbled with emotions.  

OMG look who is up at 6 am!

Oh my look who is up at six in the morning!? This girl right here! Yay, me! 

Sorry, that was my little celebration because I woke up late yesterday and was late to school. I didnt even get to go to work yesterday cause it was such a stressfull, drama filled, bullshit day. 

But! That was yesterday and today is starting out great! I woke up at about 5:32am and was able to make myself breakfast and lunch, and get this, COFFEE! 

Okay, I am done with my little celebration of me and my coffee success. 

I wanted to talk about something I read this morning. 

Apparently, there are these massive plumes of methane gas exploding from the earth and up into the atmosphere through the arctic shelf. Talk about scary. Although it doesnt say this in the article my first thought was what if too much is released and it actually changes the make up of out atmosphere? Couldnt too much of the methane mixed with out oxygen and hydrogen actually catch on fire? I know that I am not a scientist but I was always pretty damn good in any science class I took. Especially, when I was in Chemistry. That freaks me out quite a bit. 

But,  if the world was going to end I would want it to end some way quick like that cause this whole Zombie Apocalypse thing is not settling easy for me. Seriously, this is like the hundredth time that I woke up from a Zombie nightmare and seriously had to look around the house to make sure I was just wigging out and everything was okay. Although this nightmare was pretty timid in comparison to the ones I had when I was pregnant it was still freaky and had my heart going. 

So, I was back down in Florida and I was with my mom and some other chick. Dont know her, probably someone from a commercial or something my subconscious just stuck in there. We were driving in this big van and actually picked up two guys that we thought were survivors like us but turned out to be Zombies. They acted just fine until they needed to feed again or die themselves. Thats when we threw dog food out (cause they could eat that instead of people for some reason) and just left them in this grocery store parking lot. There was a curfew in effect and if you were outside passed the time of curfew you had to fend for yourself and was not allowed home. So, we were rushing to get back to the house where my munchkin was and my sister and brother, including their families. The rush back was what woke me up frightened. 

You know I am writing all of this down and saying it allowed so this crap does not come true. my dreams have a way of becoming real and this is one that I wouldnt wish on anyone. 

The rush back home was so frightening because a pack of zombies fucked up the blockade and were going ham on some National Guard. We didnt have much amo left in the gun and it was really hard to drive over all the Zombies. One was trying to break into the window and it was just horrible. I was hacking away at the zombies arm but nothing was happening. True nightmare. 

In some ways I am happy that I had that nightmare instead of the other reoccurring one that has plagued me since my father died but still. Before I got pregnant I could control my dreams. If one was turning into a nightmare I could change it, in mid dream to something that was calming and happy. I would literally just stand up in my dream and walk out of it into one of my choosing. Whatever I knew would calm me down and change the dream, I would go to it. Now it isnt that easy and I really wish I knew why. 

Different topic, I was reading one of those celebrity articles that I really care nothing about but sometimes they are interesting. Well, I am really starting to like Miley Cyrus. She is turning into such a confident and hippy type woman that I cant help but be like "You tell um girl!" 

She stepped out to some premier or something in a really hot yellow plunge dress and had some pretty impressive cleavage going. So automatically everyone started screaming that she had a boob job, to which she replied, "Thanks for the compliment but these are all mine, I keep trying to stress to people that you dont have to be 'fake' to be beautiful". Yup. I love that response. It is spot on. You do not have to be 'fake' to be beautiful. Natural can be breath taking and amazing. Some of these 'fake' women out there look fake. They look fucked up. 

Well got to go jump in the shower and get ready for my day. Leave me a comment with what I should write about when I get home tonight. =)

What was banned this year?

I really should be sleeping but when I woke up earlier cause my little munchkin woke up, that was about it. I am awake and I am going to write about some cool shit I read earlier before I passed out. 

Okay so I missed out on alot this year apparently we are banning shit now that is slightly communist, maybe even totalitarianistic of us. What the fuck America? 

A few things I can understand, like how some Florida counties actually put into law that Baggy pants are wrong and disgusting, which they are! Most people dont even remember how that trend started and if they did they would jump at the chance to pull up their damn jeans. I do not want to see your nasty undies or the five other pairs of pants you have underneath all that mess just so that you can kinda sorta hold up your pants. Good choice on banning that but come the fuck on with the other ones. 

It doesnt say where this was from but somewhere in America a boy was banned from taking his rescue dog with him to school even though the dog was trained on how to save his life because the kid was epileptic. What the hell is wrong with some people? It isnt like the dog was really his pet, the dog has a job to do and can save the boys life if he has a seizure. That was one of the dumbest bans I have ever heard of. 

Next we have the baby bans. Ugh, this had to of come from some that doesnt have children because it is just wrong. Guess what people! Babies are a part of life, they are the ones that actually make the earth go round, all the economies in every country on the planet continue to function, and give everyone a purpose. Why do most people work? To support their families, i.e. Babies! I know that sometimes it sucks when a baby is on a plane and is thoroughly upset but who gives a flying fuck? It is a part of life! I would get so livid if I went to have lunch with a friend or something and they told me I couldnt be there because my daughter was with me. Fuck yall bitches! My daughter goes where ever I go and you must not what my money or the money of any other mother that actually gives a shit about their children and family. Unless the child could get hurt from going some where, I see absolutely no reason why places would ban children. Airplanes, restaurants, hotels, etc. Ya'll just dont want money. Good hard earned money. I think it is communistic and wrong. Children and babies are a part of life and will always be around. 

Here are three that really just make me want to scream duh! Cheerleader uniforms were banned from class in one San Jose school this passed year because although the girls were required to wear these skimpy outfits for games and competition, they were to skimpy for school and were required to change before and after class. Before class into regular cloths and after class back into their uniforms for pep rallies and the games. How retarded! If you are going to make these girls wear a uniform for school spirit shouldnt you order a uniform that you can actually wear in school? 

Teacher-Student Facebooking, self explanatory. I dont see the problem with it. Some schools have utilized social networking and can actually keep better tract of their students grades, projects, and extra curriculars via social networking but there is a line. As always. I dont understand why one school decided that they were going to fire any teacher that was "friends" with their students on facebook. That was a bit over dramatic. Come the hell on, everyone and their grandmother has facebook now. I remember when everyone and their mother had a myspace, but facebook took it to an entirely different level. I dont even know one business that doesnt have a facebook. Why shouldnt teachers be able to friend their students? Again, communists! 

And lastly there was a ban on a photo of Dakota Fanning holding a bottle of perfume: The British Ad Council banned this ad suggesting it's borderline pedophilia. It was a simple picture, she isnt a child anymore. She wasnt even kind of slutty looking. Her cloths fit properly, everything was covered. She is just holding a bottle of perfume, lame. 

For more of the bs banning that took place this year, here is the website http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/bans-baggy-jeans-burqas-babies-more-172200625.html

Today was not my day..

Today was my breaking point. I actually cried my eyes out in class today. I feel so embarrassed and so horrible. Not myself in any measure. 

It wasnt just because I was late to class and didnt bring some of my supplies, it was how bitchy every one else was and how cold sholdered I was getting from everyone. Am I really that different from all of them? I am getting my degree at the same place and working towards the same goal and yet I am the outcast today. I didnt do a damn thing to piss anyone off and yet I felt like the whipping boy today. 

Another thing is that I cannot stand the fact everyone wants me to cut my hair. I am trying to grow my hair out long, like how I had it when I was younger. I have had enough with short boring hair. I like when I can do stuff with it or just let it fly. I love my long hair. It is healthy and pretty. I cannot stand the fact that everyone wants to talk shit about it cause they are jealous that they cant grow their hair out like I can. I was blessed with healthy, long, thick hair and thats how I want to have it right now. No one wanted to be my partner today because they didnt want to have to style my hair. WTF! Come on! My hair is really easy to do and lots of fun to play with cause its so soft and well managed. I am so freaking sorry that I dont have to put weaves in my hair or spray it down with a shit tons of grease for it to behave correctly. 

I was just so out of my element today and I couldnt take another second of it. It was either allow myself to break down and cry or start to get stressed out and pissed off, eventually leading to getting really mad. Which then would have resulted in me taking it out on the wrong person. I hate that being done to me and I try really hard not to do it to others. 

I work hard and I am going to school and that isnt going to change. Just to put that out there. Why? Because, I have a child to take care of and I am one of those kinds of people that learned early on in life that I cannot rely on anyone but myself and what I can do with my two hands. I have friends and I have family but when it really comes down to it, I am on the bottom of everyones lists or they just assume that I dont need the help so why offer it. That is fine with me but dont you dare tell me to choose between school or work when I have to do both to have a good future and a present that doesnt suck quite as bad. I have to be able to pay my bills and make sure that my daughter has what she needs. That means I cannot do just one. I have to work and I have to go to school. I cannot rely on anyone else to provide for us and Im not going to. I am so tired of having my heart broken. Of putting my faith in those around me and then being let down, but god forgive me for ever getting upset about it. I am not allowed to. If I let someone else down though, well then there will be hell to pay. This whole world is filled with double standards and bullshit. Why are we taught to have dreams and ambitions when you grow up and have to choose just one? 

Okay I am done with my rant..Next blog 

Politics Blah.....

Politics EWWWW.....

Well not entirely. I actually like to know about the laws and shit that are getting passed in the country that I live in. I also like to know who the hell is running this country because regardless of the checks and balances bs, those decisions come down to him or (eventually) her. 

Now do I like talking about them with other people? Nope. Not everyone. Why? Because some people just dont know what the hell they are talking about and they just pretend to know everything so, the conversation ends up being a fighting match or very awkward. 

That being said. I feel bad for Obama. He came in after that catastrophy known as Bush happened and he had to clean up everything before he could even fix and change what he set out to fix. Some things like legalization of pot and womens rights of abortion he hasnt followed through with but he has done a better job than everyone thought he would be able to do when the final numbers came out of how far in debt we actually were. Apparently now we are out of a repression and clear of possibly having another great depression. He signed medical legislation to ensure that everyone in the country has health coverage, which we are behind the curve with but he still got it started. He is bringing our troops home (which is what everyone wanted but are now pissed off about cause all of those soldiers dont have jobs anymore but it is what we all wanted!). I will not vote a republican in office. It just isnt going to happen. None of them are worth a shit and they are all very right winged. How are any laws going to be written in allowing gay marriage or to help small buisnesses? 

Personally, and I am not afraid to say this. I am going to vote Obama again because there is no way anyone could fix everything that was fucked up after Bush in just four years. To see those big changes we all hoped for he needs to have the rest of his term. 

Truthfully I miss Clinton being in office. Dude was getting shit done. So the fuck what if he was also a horn dog and liked to fuck around. That is the American way. Do you really want to sit there and act like if you were president and could fuck any person you wanted to cause you could pull it like that, you wouldnt? No! Every president since the beginning of our nation had mistresses and entire second families. Clinton was just careless with it. Then he lied about it. I wouldnt have. Yes, congress I fucked her. LOL! It was great! Now can we get back to work on the actual important shit going on in this country? 

I did not want to get up this morning. I was so freaking tired! I still am so freaking tired and I am in a serious debate with myself on whether or not I want to just lounge around until work today or get up and try to push myself awake. Alyssa is even in the mood to lounge around so I do believe that I am going to join her in chilling out. Sunday is not a day of rest though. It is a day that everyone rushes around to churches, grocery shopping, and getting all the things done they need to get done for Monday. Which is generally why I think that people have bad Mondays. Their bodies are pissed at them for not taking a break on Sunday and then  forcing them to wake up super freaking early for the following work day. I am going to try and keep my body happy today. Side note- I am down four pounds for one week!!! YAY!  I keep this going and Ill reach my goal! 

FInally~ I am writing tonight!

Yay! I am exhausted but I am finally getting to write. 

The first that is really on my mind is the leash law that is apparently a part of this bullshit county. If your dog is off of their leash and a dog catcher comes by they can pick up the dog regardless of if the dog is still in their yard, if you are home, or if they have a collar on and arnt bothering anything. Which, has happened to me before. Our dogs were outside on their lines sunning and Rizzo broke her collar. She didnt leave our yard and she wasnt bothering anything. In fact she was sitting on the porch waiting for me to let her in and the damn dog catcher grabbed her, beat her with a stick, caused my dog Buddy(RIP) to go off, and then threatened to shoot Buddy. All of our cars were there, I had the radio going cause I was in the shower and I was actually pregnant at the time. As soon as I got out which wasnt but five minutes after all of this happened, I went to let them in and only Buddy was there and he was obviously upset. I ran out the front door to see if she was there and the neighbors told me that the dog catcher just violently grabbed her off of our front porch and was hitting her with a stick. I immediately called the pound and sure enough she was there. 

Talk about pissed off. I was pregnant, hormonal, and you just not only took my dog but beat her, threatened the love of my life (Buddy), and put her in the line of pitbulls about to be put down because their dumb asses cant tell the difference between pit-bulls and akitas or boxers. You better believe that I told them off like they had never been heard before. 

The reason I am talking about this is because I am so tired of hearing horror stories about peoples beloved pets getting treated like trash from the dog catchers in this state. 

Point one~!  Pitbulls are NOT bad dogs! Let me repeat this PITBULLS ARE NOT BAD DOGS! A is only ever as good or as bad as the people who are training them or neglecting them. Pitbulls are great dogs, they get a bad wrap because they are capable of being mean and vicious. They are not mean or vicious. They only become that way because of the people who are suppose to be showing them love and attention are beating them and teaching them to be fighters. 

Let me tell you right now. Buddy was pitbull/dingo mix and he was a wonderful dog. I miss him. I miss him more than I could ever express to anyone. He was a great protector, guard dog, and companion but he was also always sleeping at my feet, cuddling with me, and so very gentle with Alyssa. I have never had a dog like him and will never find another dog like him. I guess I am just missing him alot tonight, and a woman at work almost had me in tears talking about how the pound just came and got her dog because they thought he was a pitbull and she has paperwork proving he wasnt but they had already but him down before she was even notified that they had him. She was at work and he got off of his line and although he was in his yard and he wasnt bothering anyone. They picked him up. He wasnt mean or anything, and they just took him to the pound and put him down thinking he was a stray. Fucking bullshit. 

Next topic. 

I recently read that the "Duggars" lost their 20th child. I feel for them I really do, and I know how that feels but I think they are dragging out their own pain. She wasnt even far enough for them to find out what sex the baby was and they are wanting to have a test done to find out if it was a boy or girl, name it (even though it wasnt even past an embryo state), and then hold a funeral for it. That is dragging out your own pain. The human body is not meant to have a kid every single year for 20 years that is just too much. Eventually things like this are going to start happening because your body is not going to be able to support the children anymore. I would never wish a miscarrage on anyone and I grieve for them but they are dragging out their own pain by doing all of this. It is too much. 

I had a few other topics but they are going to have to wait until tomorrow. I am so tired and my mind is going much faster than my fingers. When normally my fingers are moving so much with my mass amounts of thoughts that I have to go back and read everything that I have written. Just to make sure that I dont sound crazy. Well night night....

^_^ feeling better

Feeling much, much less livid. 

Working where I am working, is a blessing. The atmosphere is so lively, happy, and calming all at the same time that you cannot, not get your mood up in 

there. 

Plus, there is nothing like watching such a beautiful little munchkin sleep and being ubber comfy in nothing but boyshorts and a tank top. Too much info? I dont care. I am so relaxing right now. 

Tomorrow its facials and fake eye lashes at school and I am really, really excited. This maybe really girly but I have always wanted to put on quality fake eye lashes. Never could. I was so scared of getting a poor product and fucking up my eyelashes. 

Alright random thought time! 

Okay so I am watching the Transformers movie and although I have a wonderful imagination I always think to myself how in the hell do they grow? What do they eat? How do they power themselves? Every single time I watch it, I cannot help but be a total nerd and try to think of ways they could actually exist. 

Some movies I even sit there and think that there is no way they are not actually real. Like this actually happened but everyone is just thinking it is a movie because thats what the government wants you to think, sort of thing. But, that makes me sound like a crazy person. Well it does until we find out that, that is in fact the truth and then I'm so going to rub it in yalls faces!  

Like the movie paranomal activity. I seriously thought that that movie was a real documentary until I saw the credits. I still think it is based off of something that really happened. There is no way that it didnt happen. 

There is so much out there that we havent discovered, havent taken as fact, that is just waiting to be tested. We think that we know everything but if you really look back, we are still far too young to know everything, even about this planet. Just think about 300 years ago we thought that the world was flat. Some still try to hold onto the idea that we are the only planet with life but just two days ago, scientists announced that they found a planet only 6oo light years away from us. Which in the broad span of things is not far away at all. 

I do not believe that the world is going to end in 2012, I think that maybe the world will be changed in a significant way. Maybe aliens, maybe a polar change, or maybe we will just go on living like every other time some one has tired to claim the world was going end. 

Very Pissed off right now!

I am very, very livid right now! Seriously, this shit is stupid! So, last night it snowed although much of it is gone now, it wasnt this morning. I received a phone call at six am this morning telling me that school starting had been pushed back until noon and then on my way in I received a phone call from my advisor saying to just come in tomorrow and make sure to have my work done. Great awesome I get to rest my foot some more and I get to read and do my work in a stress free environment, or so I thought. I was so excited about resting my foot because good lord it hurt last night at work. When I got home and took my boot off it was severely swollen. I was scared I may have re-injured it.  

So, I get back home and start dinner because although I wont be home to eat it my daughter will be with her father and last night he even had a hard time feeding her correctly. I will not take away from him the fact he is a good father. He is. He is just an idiot when it comes to common sense for children or cooking. So I was trying to make it easier on them but that didnt do anything for me. He decides that because I am up cooking, he doesnt have to do shit. Not a damn thing. He is tired cause he is always tired and he doesnt want to do a damn thing. He makes this huge ass overly dramatic sigh every single time that he is asked to do something and his body language is horrible. If he hates it so damn much then dont allow me to rely on you! Make it perfectly clear that you dont want any kind of responsibility and you cannot handle it. At one point he had but then he tried to back track. It is very clear now that he is still in that mind set. 

Every single thing that he does is perfect and every single thing that I do is nagging or snappy. I cannot talk to people the right way. Blah dee freaking blah. 

I know how to talk to people. I just dont put up with bullshit and I am so fucking sorry that I have a loud voice. I have always had a loud, big voice, and I will always have that voice! And, fuck no I will not accept a bullshit apology for that display of bullshit fighting. 

I get you are tired, our daughter is a handful but guess what I do way more with way less of an attitude. 

Yes, I sometimes can be a bitch and I apologize for those moments or at least I try to. That doesnt mean that you can sit around and do nothing, be a jackass 24/7, and only accept your own views a fact. That is not how life works and I refuse to be broken down to a silent, quivering, and obedient woman. 

"Without passion, you dont have energy, without energy, you have nothing"-Donald Trump

I am tired of not receiving any passion because he obviously doesnt care and has no energy. He told me that I need to choose between school and work. If I didnt have to provide for a wonderful child and five dogs then fine school is all I would have but I have adult responsibilities and I refuse to go any moment longer freaking out cause Alyssa is on her last diaper and we have absolutely no money. I am use to having money and I am not ashamed of that. It means that I work, that I have my shit together, and that I can pay my damn bills. I am going to school so that I can get an even better job, with a higher pay. So that my daughter never has to need for something that I cannot afford. I grew up always worried about the bills, scared the electric was going to get cut off, that we were not going to be able to go to school cause there was no gas in the car, and scared that everyone would find out how low we had it. But, my strong and independent mother always made sure that shit was taken care of. She is were I gather much of my strength from. 

Yes, I have been on my own since I was 15 but that was also because after my step dad left and my sister moved in with her now husband she had to do something to earn a living and make sure that I was at least taken care of until 18. Because I am so independent she wasnt afraid of leaving me alone at that age. Not most people can say that and I am not ashamed of it. I am so sick and fucking tired of people telling me that living on my own since 16 isnt something to be proud of. True I still had to grow up a bit and didnt do that till I was 18-19, I still was much more adult then most adults today. I can do this. I can take care of myself and provide for my daughter and I will never be told I have to choose between my future and the money to provide for her right now. So-the-fuck what if I am a little tired at the end of the day and I ask you to feed our daughter. So-the-fuck what if I ask you to go feed the outside dogs because I have a fucked up foot at the moment and want to rest it before work tonight. As my current husband, the father of my child, and currently unemployed, that is your job. You dont want it then you dont have to have it. 

I do love him but I hate him so much at times. I cannot stand his voice right now. I cannot stand his demeanor, and I cannot stand his mightier than thou attitude. Get the fuck over yourself. You are not working, you cant clean worth  a damn, I dont ask much of you at all, and you are not a god among men. Most women wouldnt put up with your shit and somehow I have managed to. 

Ugh!!!!!!! 

Is it wrong of me to want more than the mundain? Is it so wrong of me to expect the simplest of tasks to be done? Is it wrong of me to want much more than this constant bullshit?? Is it wrong of me to want the best of you because I give the best of me, every single day? Is it wrong of me to strive for better, instead of settling for this? I dont think so and that is where the problem lies. I want more. I dream of a better life. I compare my old life to this one and it saddens me. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to beat the shit out of him and scream "what the hell is wrong with you???!!! Cant you see what potential and blessings you have???" But no I would be the bad guy, I would be the horrible woman that asked to much of him. 

Whatever...

Its snowing it pouring the old man is snoring!!

Thank goodness for the snow. It didnt snow quite as much as I really wanted it to but to be completely honest I needed the rest. My ankle was so swollen after work and school yesterday! Fuck! I had to take a pain pill and a anti swelling pill. I am not one to take pills, I hate it. That is how my father died, why would I want to do that to myself. But, last night I needed it. I was so exhausted and in pain, it was ridiculous! I am deffinitely not in the shape I was just a few months ago which really saddens me. 

I wasnt kidding when I said that my new years resolution is to drop some weight and I am going to stick to it. This shit is pathetic! 

Last night when I finally got home and was about to go "nigh nigh" with my little munchkin, it really started snowing! She didnt want any part of it! She was so freaking funny! Why? Cause she was freaking the fuck out! She ran to the window about a dozen times sreaming at it, like what the hell are you and why are you all over the ground? She was mad, and it was funny! We even tried to take her outside and she was like hell no! Thats my little Florida Bunny! I am glad she is more like me in that aspect. 

Dont get me wrong I do like the snow. It is an important process needed in weather patterns and snow angels, snow fights, and making snow men are the funnest damn things to do in the world but I prefer my sunshine and my warm weather. I like to be able to go outside without any shoes on, wear mini skirts and tank tops with flip flops, and I like to be able to wear lighter cloths without freezing my ass off (and thats alot of ass to freeze off!). 

I hate having to bundle up in shit loads of cloths and puffy jackets. I dont need the puff! I am already a thick girl, I dont want to add anything to make me appear thicker than I am. And Skinny girls shut the hell up about your little imperfections. You are skinny! If you are under my size 15-17 pants then shut the fuck up about your ass, your waist, your thighs, and your arms! You have alot to be thankful for and can actually go cloths shopping and not be embarrassed cause you dont fit into anything in one way or another. I have long legs, thick thighs, a skinny waist, and a big booty! I have a very strong upper body so most shirts dont fit me correctly in the arms cause my bisceps are not like the average girl, I am a beast and I accept that fully! I am an amazon woman and I wear that badge with honor. But I am just so sick and damn tired of all these skinny girls our there that can fit into anything under the damn sun and want to say that they are fat! Bitch fuck you! You are tiny! I am three feet taller than you and wear four to five sizes above you! You can fit into anything and although you have a shitty personality and sometimes have a shitty face, guys and people in general flock to you without question. 

Why? Cause we have been taught our entire lives that skinny is the way to be. Skinny is socially acceptable, Skinny is sexy and sex sells! Skinny means healthy! Bitch, no it does not! 

Thick is where it is at! LOL! 

Okay I am done with my rant and off to take my shower and start the day. Read, comment, subscribe, follow me! 

What is one thing you want me to write about? Any question, Any topic, I do not care and I will not be censored!