Internet is finally back on!!!!

So, so, so very thankful that the internet is finally back on! I was having some serious withdrawals. So much so, that I have been keeping a blog just on my computer for the days that I was off line but I do not believe that I am going to publish those blogs. Some were written while I was on some pain pills for my ankle and I really just dont know about those one. =) 

Instead I will write about the main topic in each blog that I wrote when the internet was out. 

The first day if was out, I wrote about religion and how conflicted I feel during this time of year. Here is an exert from that blog-

It seems like every single year we are struggling at Christmas. December is not my month in many, many ways.

For one, I hate useless cold weather. You know, the weather that is cold and rainy for absolutely no reason. It is too warm to snow but too cold to do anything outside and you have to bring your animals in and wrap your plants. As I have said before in another blog, I am a Florida Bunny stuck in the Arkansas bullshit weather forecast. Well, I didn't say it quite like that but you get my point.

Second reason, everyone is in a fake friendly mood. They are just as stressed out as everyone else about how they are going to buy everyone presents and pay their bills and they feel an obligation to be nice to strangers. When normally, they would turn their nose up at you or be really ghetto and cuss you out for no reason.

Personally, I believe that everyone is so hateful and racist in Arkansas cause the Sun rarely ever shines down on them in a wonderful way. The weather sucks here. Which, causes people to be sucky.

Third reason, I have always been conflicted about Christmas. I view myself as a naturalistic Pagan but I grew up going to a Baptist Church and Catholic mass every other year. I have also studied different religions quite extensively just for my own benefit. I believe that you have to believe in something to have a happy, healthy life. I tried being atheist and although some people can wrap their heads around that I was just depressed the entire time. Nothing to look forward to, no reason for anything, no after life or dam\nation for your action? I was conflicted on whether or not I wanted to continue this meaningless existence or kill myself and then become nothing. It was horrible. Pagan beliefs are beautiful, they speak to my soul and mother earth speaks to me. I love my planet and the amazing bounty that she has given us. I do believe that there is a God and/or Higher being but I also believe in reincarnation. Actually, I believe in purgatory. If you have lived a true and good life then you get your heaven, but if you fucked up and lived badly then you are sent to purgatory where you are punished or left in a state of emptiness to reflect on your behavior, after that cleansing period you are given another chance to better yourself and make it to your heaven. I basically took what I wanted and what I saw connected from each religion that I studied, making me a Naturalistic Pagan. I have Buddhist beliefs, some Christian beliefs, Mainly Pagan beliefs, and a mix of quite a few others.

Religion has always been a very taboo subject. Throughout the entire history of mankind, we have fought for our religious beliefs, died for them, loved for them, and killed in the name of them. I do not believe that any God would ask you to kill another living creature in his/her name. That breaks not only the commandments and convinents of so many different Religions but its just morally wrong. If you don’t agree with something or find it morally wrong then you either live and let die or you try to change it in a peaceful way. But, you should respect it as you are asking others to respect your way.

That is something our nation has a very hard time grasping. We fear the different, change, and the unknown. Why can we not embrace it all? Why do we have to kill, fight, and make fun of what we don’t understand? It is very hypocritical in my eyes. Personally, I don’t care what you belief or how you are living your life unless if directly affects mine or my daughters in a negative way. For example, my mother in law and I tried to have a conversation about religion and I tried to explain mother nature to her and how Christianity has a lot of the same beliefs, She refused to listen but she has no problem blasting about her God and how he works and you MUST listen.

No, I do not have to listen and thank you but I have read the bible too and I have attended Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal, and Nondenominational churches. Thank you but they are all spouting the same words from the same Bibles with different interpretations. God is God, Jesus was a Jew who claimed to be the son of God, There are multiple books from the Bible that are missing and the earliest popes changed many writings to fit their sermons before it was mass produced. There are scientific reasons why the 12 plagues happened but I do not doubt the power of God. The story of Noah and his wonderful Ark are not only in Christian bibles but there also versions of the exact same story in the Qur’an, Mesopotamian writings, and even some Hindu writings.

No, you will not find many of those things in Churches but you will hear about how you need to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and repent before the book of Revelations comes to be. Every single sermon after age 10 is about how you have to repent your sins and take Jesus as your savior. I have a big problem with that. I cannot sit in a Church and hear the same thing over and over again, it is depressing and guess what for some people it just doesn’t work! When I was eight I really believed all of that jazz and I took God not Jesus as my savior but I didn’t feel any differently. I went about four years at a Christian Summer camp doing that every single year and never feeling any different and I tried. I cried, I screamed, I begged God to fix my life and save me. Nothing ever changed. Not until I started researching my family history and researching different religions.

That is when I stopped going to church . Powwow was my church, alone time camping in the woods and meditation became my church. And I felt more at peace. I feel more at peace. But, every single year my heart is heavy. I want to fight with people over their materialistic Christmas celebrations and scream that you are not celebrating the birth of Christ. You are making sure that our economy keeps going. Christ wasn’t even born in December! Catholics changed the date to cover up and take over a Pagan holiday many years ago. Then again, I would be a total hypocrite to do that cause I celebrate with distant family member, buy presents too, and am hoping my daughter can feel the festive feeling of the holiday. There is good and bed to this time of year and for some reason it weighs really heavy on my heart. I have this internal conflict that wont end. Like many, many other conflicts in my heart.