Today was my breaking point. I actually cried my eyes out in class today. I feel so embarrassed and so horrible. Not myself in any measure.
It wasnt just because I was late to class and didnt bring some of my supplies, it was how bitchy every one else was and how cold sholdered I was getting from everyone. Am I really that different from all of them? I am getting my degree at the same place and working towards the same goal and yet I am the outcast today. I didnt do a damn thing to piss anyone off and yet I felt like the whipping boy today.
Another thing is that I cannot stand the fact everyone wants me to cut my hair. I am trying to grow my hair out long, like how I had it when I was younger. I have had enough with short boring hair. I like when I can do stuff with it or just let it fly. I love my long hair. It is healthy and pretty. I cannot stand the fact that everyone wants to talk shit about it cause they are jealous that they cant grow their hair out like I can. I was blessed with healthy, long, thick hair and thats how I want to have it right now. No one wanted to be my partner today because they didnt want to have to style my hair. WTF! Come on! My hair is really easy to do and lots of fun to play with cause its so soft and well managed. I am so freaking sorry that I dont have to put weaves in my hair or spray it down with a shit tons of grease for it to behave correctly.
I was just so out of my element today and I couldnt take another second of it. It was either allow myself to break down and cry or start to get stressed out and pissed off, eventually leading to getting really mad. Which then would have resulted in me taking it out on the wrong person. I hate that being done to me and I try really hard not to do it to others.
I work hard and I am going to school and that isnt going to change. Just to put that out there. Why? Because, I have a child to take care of and I am one of those kinds of people that learned early on in life that I cannot rely on anyone but myself and what I can do with my two hands. I have friends and I have family but when it really comes down to it, I am on the bottom of everyones lists or they just assume that I dont need the help so why offer it. That is fine with me but dont you dare tell me to choose between school or work when I have to do both to have a good future and a present that doesnt suck quite as bad. I have to be able to pay my bills and make sure that my daughter has what she needs. That means I cannot do just one. I have to work and I have to go to school. I cannot rely on anyone else to provide for us and Im not going to. I am so tired of having my heart broken. Of putting my faith in those around me and then being let down, but god forgive me for ever getting upset about it. I am not allowed to. If I let someone else down though, well then there will be hell to pay. This whole world is filled with double standards and bullshit. Why are we taught to have dreams and ambitions when you grow up and have to choose just one?
Okay I am done with my rant..Next blog
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