should be sleeping

"I set out on a narrow way,

Many years ago. 

Hoping I would find true love,

along the broken road. 

But I got lost a time or two,

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through. 

I couldnt see how every sign, 

Pointed straight to you."

When I first heard this song I dreampt of the day that a man would fill my heart with such love and devotion. That some day I would be led to the love of my life and it would go like this song. I never knew that it could be about anything else. That was, until I started singing it one day to this little baby growing inside of my belly and that was the first time I felt her kick. There I was just walking around work, singing to myself this song and she started to kick. The first kick, ever since then this song has been hers. I sing it to her almost every single night and I wouldnt have it any other way. 

I was too young to know back then that love came in many forms and although I fought to find love, I normally found it in all the wrong places. Or, it wasnt love at all. 

I once thought that I could sing that song about my husband but I know better now. There were a few people that I wished I could whole heartedly sing that song about but it never felt right or I was broken hearted at the end. 

Tonight when I sang that song to my little munchkin, although I was filled with joy, my stomach also turned because I couldnt sing it about the person I made vows with. Probably because those vows didnt mean shit to him and he never wanted a family to begin with but mostly because I loathe him for all of his selfish and lazy agenda. How am I suppose to stay in this house with someone that I love, but wish I could have missed that first kiss with? How do I keep what I never had? 

I guess I am just in a depressed mood right now but I cannot really help it. All of these things are bashing around in my head and fucking Christmas is right around the corner. Another year is gone and I can never get that year back. Not that I want this year back but that time is gone and I fucked up alot of it because I was scared and trying to stay in good graces of the wrong people. That will not happen again.